"In general, mankind, since the improvement of cookery, eats twice as much as nature requires."
We all laughed when Subway Jared held up those Barnum and Bailey tent-jeans. He lost a metric ton (or a Kirstie Alley, depending in how mean you want to be) by eating Cold Cut Combos. But Subway hammered the those ads like one of the girls on The Jersey Shore and we began to believe it. "That David Copperfield made the Statue of Liberty disappear. It looked so real, maybe he actually did it."
Now comes the cockamamie tale of Christine Dougherty who is hocking the new Taco Bell Drive Thru Diet. On the program, Christine claims she lost 54 pounds eating the "healthy items" on the Taco Bell menu.
I ain't buyin' it.
This smells like a scam. And refried beans. An elaborate ruse. Like the talking Chihuahua. That mutt didn't really talk, I'm not getting fooled again.
Using my deductive reasoning, I am predicting this fast food conspiracy is going to unspool pretty quickly. The math just doesn't add up.
My prediction is that a guilt-ridden Taco Bell whistleblower is going to come forward and contact an ambitious young reporter. Then the Drive Thru Diet is going to unfold like a picnic blanket.
I can see it now. The informant calls the reporter on a secure line, "You can call me Cheesy Throat. If you need information, stick a grilled stuffed burrito in the flower pot on your balcony. 24 hours later, I'll meet you at the Claire's Boutique in the back corner by the sparkly butterfly hairclips. Come alone."
The best part of the Drive Thru Diet ad is Christine saying "I didn't want to cut out my fast food." Of course not, that would be crazy. Now, using Taco Bell to lose 54 pounds, that makes perfect sense.
(SIDENOTE: Did we really need the flabby "before" picture of Christine in the bikini? We can tell what is going on in a pair of mom-jeans. Bikini seemed gratuitous.)
Taco Bell is now responsible for two if the most disturbing, yet truly American, advertising campaigns in modern times. It's the modern equivalent of cigarette companies saying how many doctors smoked Camels. The two current ridiculous campaigns are the infamous "4th Meal," you bet fatty, this 3 square meals crap is for city-boy woosies. When the clock strikes the witching hour, it's time for 2,100 more calories and a bed wetter beverage tub. And the second being the new Drive Thru Diet where it is claimed you can drop 60 lbs by making a run to the metaphorical border.
Don't buy what they are selling. These fast food execs are the same breed that told us a Pet Rock is fun toy and that New Coke tasted better than Windex.
This "diet" seems to be aimed at the Sea World escapees you see at the grocery store that have an overflowing cart with Doritos, Hot Pockets, ice cream and ... a 24 pack of Diet Coke. This isn't going to work, honey.
This makes me wonder what other fast food joints are trying to capitalize on these weight loss hijinks.
"I lost 87 pounds just eating Sonic Coney Island Chili Dogs. My husband can't keep his hands off me. He doesn't even mind my bean farts."
"I'm Janet and you won't believe how I lost 233 pounds. A sensible breakfast of granola and fruit, then a large Heath Bar Blizzard for lunch and dinner. Now only half my pants have elastic waistbands. Thank you Dairy Queen!"
Taco Bell is flipping nutrition on it's huge head. They're changing the game. It's like the first time I heard Son House and Howlin' Wolf. Everything was different for me after that. Maybe the Bell really is revolutionizing nutrition.
Nah, this is a snake oil scam. The Lindsay Lohan Cocaine and Cigarettes Diet made sense. Skeletal in no time. That's just science. The Taco Bell diet seems risky in comparison.
However, there is a little gambler in me. I like to place the occasional proposition bet. Especially if I can weigh the odds on my favor. With the Drive Thru Diet a success, I figure I can come up with my own eat fried junk and lose weight program.
So I am creating The Johnny Wright Coffee Shop Diet Plan.
The Plan consists of:
Breakfast: Ham and cheese omelet with home fries, a Coke and a refill.
Lunch: Alternating sandwiches, tuna melt and club, with fries, a Coke and a refill.
Snack: Piece fresh fruit and candy bar.
Dinner: Steak, baked potato, a Coke and a refill plus a sensible milkshake.
Let's roll the dice. I'll bet I lose 25 pounds in 3 weeks. That puts me at a scrappy 185 pounds.
The corner booth at the coffee shop is where I want to be anyway. Sometimes the waitress calls me "hon." I can read a stack of magazines and newspapers, they have Wi-Fi, and I can put a couple novels and an iPod in my bag. I may never leave. "Another omelet! I need to drop 3 more pounds!"
If this backfires and I look like Kevin Federline, I'm suing Taco Bell's balls off.