Anyone can dress up and play Santa. And maybe that's not such a good thing.
I'm beginning to think there should be laws against who can and who can't dress like Mr. Claus.
Or some established rules that must be maintained while wearing the Saint Nicholas outfit.
Because, as you shall see, it's becoming far to easy for people to disgrace the red suit, white beard and all the goodness Santa stands for.
Since common sense and self-respect don't often apply when one chooses to dress up as Santa, here's a list of guidelines to follow the next time you, or someone you know, dresses up like Santa Claus.
The first guideline is obvious. Like the photo on the front - when dressing like Santa don't get arrested.
That would be more like Satan, not Santa.
The same goes for illegal activities like no hitchhiking. Come on, you don't have flying reindeer so carry money for a cab.
Along those lines of getting arrested, try not to pass out and puke all over yourself. This is not a humorous movie to make Eddie Murphy a star and you are no Dan Aykroyd. Go easy on the hooch, mmm-kay?
Next, try to avoid urinating in public. If you're not dressed up as Santa you may pee-pee anywhere you want. But as Santa Claus, you need higher standards.
Control your sex drive.
Sure, even Santa gets nasty and horny. But he says "Ho-Ho-Ho" in public as a jolly greeting, not as an invitation for lap dances and titty twisters.
I mean, they're are children watching you. Keep the kink private.
Don't drink gasoline.
The real Santa can drink anything he wants and survive. Oil, bong water, boiling acid, Shasta.
You have to be more careful.
Next, and this is a very important guideline, when dressing up like Santa do not add your own accessories.
The outfit for Santa is clear: Red suit trimmed with white, black belt, red/white Santa hat, white beard, black books.
There is little room for creativity and certainly no excuse for stuff like this...
No fucking unicycles. Ever.
Santa ain't no circus clown jackass.
Your pets can not be Santa. No matter how cute they look on a card.
Dogs and cats may love you unconditionally, but they don't deserve to be made fools of. Even for a treat.
Also, don't use Santa Claus as a fetish.
I don't care if you get off on red or Ho'ing. Get some help.
No one finds this sexy. It only makes people want to cancel Christmas.
By no means is this list complete, but it's a start.
I know it's seems like I'm being a scrooge, but I'm just trying to help protect the holy image of Santa. After all, he is the most important icon of the Christmas season in the 21st century.
So keep these rules in mind for the future, that way you don't end up like this Santa.
Ho. Ho. Ho!
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