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Yahoo! Answers: 10 of the Dumbest Questions Ever

yahoo (yä'hōō) n.
an uncultivated or boorish person; lout; philistine; yokel.
-Random House Dictionary

Back in the Olden Days, when you had a nagging question, you consulted a doctor, counselor, librarian or other trained professional.

In the Not-Quite-As-Olden-Days, you called into a radio show or listened to the sage advice of a psychologist (or an actor who played one) on TV.

Nowadays, there's Yahoo! Answers, which resolves your queries using all the power of the Internet. And by "power" I mean "skull-thumping moronity."

The basic idea is as follows:

  1. Some dipshit formulates a question that neither the voices in his/her head, Glenn Beck, nor Google can answer.
  2. This dipshit types said question into Yahoo! Answers, often ending the question with a question mark (sometimes several, for those really nagging questions.)
  3. Other dipshits from all over the world post their answers.
  4. Still more dipshits vote on which of the other dipshits' answers is the least dipshitty.
  5. If Question-Posting Dipshit accepts the "Best Answer" picked by the Voting Dipshits, then the question is deemed "resolved," and QPD goes back to sodomizing a sheep, sticking body parts in light sockets, and/or coming up with more dipshit questions for Yahoo! Answers.

Got it? Cool. Then let's explore 10 of the forehead-slapping-est nuggets of populist curiosity, shall we?

How can I ensure sex doesnt smell like poop and sweat afterwards?

Really? Poop? The "Best Answer" chosen for this one was written by a nurse, and is a 210-word paragraph that basically says, "take a shower." I'd take it a step further and add, "stop shitting the bed." This two-pronged approach should work quite effectively.

(By the way, if you think I'm making these questions up, just click on the quotes to see them in context on Yahoo! Answers.)

Can you catch AIDs off of a dog?
On a film.. a dog licked a mans asshole.. couldn't he catch AIDs now?

Come on, now. Everyone knows you don't catch AIDS from dogs, you catch it from public toilets that have been used by George Michael. In fact, a dog's saliva is so chock-full of antibacterial enzymes, that film star's asshole is now actually impervious to AIDS. (Unless you're talking about Chicken AIDS -- see next question.)

Can you catch aids from sex with a chicken?
a mate told me he'd dun it, an he is well scared, wot do i tell 'im?

Ah, the classic "for a friend" advice solicitation. This poster may as well have picked the username "ChickenFucker2009."

And the best part? The "Best Answer" voted by the Dipshiterati does not include any variation of "don't fuck chickens," but rather, "tell your friend to use protection when having intercourse with birds."

Unfortunately, the follow-up query, "what kind of protection?" appears to be missing -- I haven't really read the fine print on condom wrappers for a while, but I don't seem to recall any particular brand being "beak-resistant." (It's clearly an untapped market for a budding entrepreneur, though.)

How much time does a push-in-your-asshole dulcolax need for it to work?

About as much time as it takes you to look up the word "suppository."

Is a retarded person retarded if they know there retarded?

Does a person who doesn't know the difference between "they're," "there" and "their" know they don't know the difference between "they're," "there" and "their"?

But seriously, the answer is no -- once a retarded person realizes he or she is retarded, that person instantly ceases to be retarded (in much the same way a 2nd, identical bump on the head cures amnesia.) After such an epiphany, the formerly retarded person then has the option of leaving the Republican party.

If muslims ever were to infest and take over Italy, will they dynamite all of the priceless arts, Michalangel?
Michelangelo, Sistine Chapel ceiling, cathedrals, Mona Lisa, and all that other evil stuff that offends muslims?

No, dynamite is too expensive -- they will use home-made explosives crafted from old turbans. Fortunately, Italy has gotten proactive about this impending threat of infestation, lining their borders with No-Muslim Strips™ and sprinkling Raid Muslim Powder™ all over the country's carpeting.

And the Mona Lisa is safe either way, as it is kept in The Loofa, which is in France.

Where can I buy a retarded monkey?
I want a pet monkey, but I don't want it to be smart enough to escape from my car while it's parked outside my office. Are there special shelters that house retarded monkeys?

If anyone would know the answer to that question, it's this man.

How do you make your son gay?
i've always wanted a gay son...but i don't exactly know how to make him gay

Unfortunately, this is no longer possible, since Bravo cancelled "Queer Eye." However, you can make your son at least bi, if you happen to have multiple seasons of "Entourage" on DVD.

My girlfriend always calls me an asshole. What bad names can I call her?

Your ex-girlfriends'. While you're having sex. And try to create a smell of poop and/or sweat while you're at it -- that'll show her!

When ants start to swarm your semen, is it a sign that your blood glucose level is high and you are diabetic.?

No, it's a sign that you're about to get kicked out of your company picnic!

Well, friends, that's about enough moronity for one day -- I can feel the stupidity starting to infest my brain like a Muslim infests Italy, and I need to save a few IQ points for tying my shoelaces later. But fear not -- there are plenty more questions being asked of Yahoo! Answers even as we speak....

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Those are all moronic...

But in defense of Yahoo answers, I was able to post a question I needed for a psych class presentation--I got some good answers because of the anonymity aspect. Kind of like around here...some stupid answers, some good ones. You just need to know how to weed them out.

said sarcastic one on May 29, 2009 1:28 PM.

Yeah, to be fair, I did have to do a bit of digging to find the REALLY moronic questions...but no need to thank me, it's just part of the job.

said Jeem on May 29, 2009 1:31 PM.

Thank you Jeem!!!!

said sarcastic one on May 29, 2009 1:33 PM.

LOL good stuff. Ta Jeem.

said Jimbo on May 29, 2009 1:36 PM.

Then you have obvious trolls who ask dumb questions just to see what kind of dumb answers come up from the depths. Those are always fun!

said Miss Cellania on May 29, 2009 1:47 PM.

Man, I was really sweatin' it out after clicking on the retarded monkey link and waiting for the page to come up. I misread and thought it was a link to Jeem's best example of a retarded monkey.

As a Republican monkey, I was already on edge about the Republican retard comment. The flaming gears were in motion and warming the fingertips for battle.

Now I realize that he is just pointing out that JW is the world's foremost authority on monkeys overall. Nevermind.

All in good fun. Guess I'll go to confession instead.

said Tim on May 29, 2009 2:04 PM.

This one was the best answers to a not so lame, but kind of idiotic question I've ever seen:

said Leonardo Carvalho on May 29, 2009 2:15 PM.

Yeah, I couldn't resist the Republican jab, but it was all in good fun, Tim.

And it wouldn't apply to you, anyway, since you're the non-retarded Republican monkey. (Pretty lonely group now that Bonzo's presumably passed away, though, huh?)

said Jeem on May 29, 2009 2:16 PM.

Leo, that is indeed a pretty awesome answer. When compiling this list, I saw another one asking about if vampires can get AIDS, but in the end decided to limit it to "real" (heheh) questions.

said Jeem on May 29, 2009 2:21 PM.

You sound pissed about these questions. Sounds like you got trolled. Try not to take them too seriously

said ping on May 29, 2009 2:27 PM.

ah, the power of Entourage. who knew?

said mobudaki on May 29, 2009 2:28 PM.

Do I sound pissed? Nah, just amused. (Maybe I should start using more emoticons?)

said Jeem on May 29, 2009 2:31 PM.

You really shouldn't fuck chickens. I have to agree.

said E on May 29, 2009 2:33 PM.

Jeem, I got it....
but then again, I am quite fluent in sarcasm.

said sarcastic one on May 29, 2009 2:33 PM.

The one thing you forgot to add was that you are granted points for posing questions and answering questions. So people are going to do both in an effort to see just how many they can rack up.
'Best answer' gets more points.

said sarcastic one on May 29, 2009 2:35 PM.

And for your information, the question about the chicken really was for a friend of mine... I was, ahem, he was about to get married and was afraid of passing STDs to his wife. errr... yes, is it... right like this.

said Leonardo Carvalho on May 29, 2009 2:36 PM.

No matter. That pesky Bonzo was giving us Republicans a bad name.

said Tim on May 29, 2009 3:15 PM.

I used to answer Yahoo Questions a lot for a period of two or three months. It was so simple because I guess people are just too dumb to use Google properly. Then I realized that I was just doing all the work for free for a bunch of morons. That's why I'm considering using my skills and working for KGB and getting paid to do it. Although, I don't know if texters on KGB would ask as blatantly moronic questions like "I had sex with my bf and we didnt use a conundrum and then we did it again and dint use it aagain and now my perioud is late so i think i mite be preggers what do you think!"

said nihil on May 29, 2009 3:17 PM.

Nihil, that sounds like a pretty amazing behind-the-scenes essay waiting to happen! Please let us know how it goes if you go the KGB route.

said Jeem on May 29, 2009 3:32 PM.

Jeem, You should make this a weekly feature. Hilarious stuff man.

said Sheriff Pablo on May 29, 2009 8:00 PM.

Thanks for the post! Made my night : )

said NAV on May 31, 2009 3:35 AM.

Thanks, guys! I actually was thinking this could make a decent recurring feature, if people dug it. (And there's certainly no shortage of stupidity on Yahoo! Answers.) Not sure about every single week, though -- that might severely cut into my porn downloading time.

said Jeem on May 31, 2009 2:14 PM.

Jeem, make it a regular... it's gold.

said Leonardo Carvalho on May 31, 2009 6:23 PM.

We definitely can't request that you cut into your porn downloading time, now can we? ;oP

said Vicky on May 31, 2009 7:40 PM.

No problem Vicky, he can schedule multiple downloads and while it's coming--no pun--he can research on the dumb questions...
Time sharing...

said Leonardo Carvalho on May 31, 2009 8:27 PM.

Ha! Leo! While it's coming! That's multi-tasking for ya

said Vicky on June 1, 2009 12:49 AM.

silly thing is that those who are making fun of these "stupidity in action questions...." don't seem to realize they've just been trolled.

wake up folks, here you are making fun of stupid people but you've just been duped...

come on already, stop putting your own head up your ass.

said dingdonghead on June 21, 2009 1:43 PM.

Eh, either way, it's pretty fun.

And I will never stop putting my own head up my ass, sir or madam -- sure the atmosphere ain't great, but I save a ton on colonoscopies.

said Jeem on June 21, 2009 6:49 PM.

I used to answer questions in the tattoo section of yahoo!answers till some bitch reported I was an abusive poster because I pointed out how lame it was she wanted the yahoo! community to do her next tattoo research for her. They ask the same stupid questions over and over. How many times do you have to ask if a tattoo hurts, how much it will cost to copy someone else's tattoo, and the good ole 'Do you think this is trashy or stupid? I'm getting it no matter what your opinion is.'.
I did it to see how many points I could rack up, but ended closing my yahoo! account and got a google one. Because unlike the numbnuts on yahoo!answers I know how to use the Google search engine (and yahoo's too).

said Shelby on June 28, 2009 12:39 PM.

Testify, Shelby! Amen, sista.

said Jeem on June 28, 2009 4:21 PM.

The Loofa...hahahaha, that's the funniest thing you wrote :)
I've never heard anyone calling it that...funny :D

said sara18leite on March 30, 2010 6:57 PM.
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