ornate line
The Deal Breakers
There are things your significant other does that probably piss you off. Putting their toenail clippings on top of cupcakes and serving them to you in bed. Shaving your cat's entire body, save for the head, and recreating the opening scene from the Lion King. Telling her parents you're the "pool cleaner" whenever they come by. But these things are all worth it because of the great things they do. I realized I had a list in my head of things that, no matter who (I'm looking at you Alessandra Ambrosio) did them to me, I'd have to break up with her.

Now, I'm probably missing a bunch of stuff here, but off the top of my head, this is a list of 21 things that I don't want in my significant other.

  1. She has a penis.
  2. She doesn't "get" Arrested Development.
  3. She was born after Back to the Future came out. (Thank you for that one Johnny)
  4. At one point or another, she decided to change her name to a naturally occurring element or item off the Periodic Table.
  5. The last book she read was Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing ... in the Fourth Grade.
  6. She makes the statement, "Well, I don't speak Mexican."
  7. She questions why I don't eat mayonnaise.
  8. She can beat me at arm wrestling. (I know this depletes the list significantly)
  9. She doesn't at least consider having a Lord of the Rings themed wedding.
  10. She text messages while we're at a restaurant.
  11. She won't attempt to learn how to tie a bowline knot.
  12. Let's say you're out in a picnic in a park and you point out the Empire State Building. She says that isn't it because the building in front of it, which happens to be closer to your current location appears bigger. This happened. I've seen it. It was messy. Try explaining the rules of perspective to a 20-something year-old. It was like kicking a puppy.
  13. She cries after sex.
  14. She laughs after sex.
  15. Her bottom row of teeth are so mismatched, they look like the silhouette of a city skyline.
  16. She wonders why Sting remade P.Diddy's old song.
  17. When given the choice between going Kite Surfing or attending the Dog Show, she picks the pooches.
  18. She "claims" to read your blog, but then sends you an article on the exact same thing you wrote about three days ago.
  19. She has "Property of Lance" tattooed on or around her genitalia.
  20. Her biggest accomplishment in life was the time she fashioned a gravity bong out of Playmobile pieces.
  21. When asked who has the biggest "junk" of anyone she's ever dated ... she hesitates.
Alright kids, let's open up the comments section and see what you'd add/take away from the list. Let 'em rip.
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I think the only thing that would bug me about Allessandra would be #1, I'd probably not even notice the rest.

That said, the constant cell phone use, #10 is a popular thing now. Not cool.

said E on March 17, 2009 3:22 PM.

Sweat socks, pulled up to mid-calf with shorts on under the age of 65. If you are not in retirement in Boca, it's a deal breaker.

said J on March 17, 2009 3:27 PM.

She doesn't like your friends and thinks you shouldn't either.

said limbodog on March 17, 2009 3:44 PM.

Bragging about your $500 Star Wars light saber from The Sharper Image (to go with your glass encased Storm Troopers obviously), then asking if I want to see/use it.

said J on March 17, 2009 3:46 PM.

Today, I am not proud of this, but I once broke up with a girl over...wait for it..math.

I was in college studying engineering. And not just any college, one that had nothing but engineers.

I was struggling through a grueling semester of partial differential equations (and you can count your self lucky if you get through life without ever encountering a laplace transform). Anyway, my girlfriend was 100 miles away majoring in social work. She called me one night, all excited, to tell me she had received a waiver from the dean so she would not have to take her one and only math requirement which was called "lifetime math".

I dumped her on the spot.

said Jeff on March 17, 2009 3:52 PM.

Name dropping.
Talking about her ex.
Has been on Jerry Springer show.

said E on March 17, 2009 3:59 PM.

re: item #1 - please define "has"

said mobudaki on March 17, 2009 4:02 PM.

Dave's Deal Breakers:

1. Hairy Armpits, no matter how hot.
2. Plays games. (If you like me you like me if you don't you don't.)
3. A member of PETA.
4. Hates guns
6. Hates Jesus
7. Likes Nancy Pelosi
8. Too serious
9. Takes me too seriously.
10. Hates the outdoors.
11. Hates dogs.
12. Hates kids.
13. Unable to handle living in a state of complete mental, physical, and sexual fulfillment.

said Dave on March 17, 2009 4:33 PM.

If she is an Ohio State, Florida, or Florida State fan, hit the bricks toots. BTW Echo, it's a good thing we never dated the same women or you would keep running into problems with 21.

said cleet on March 17, 2009 5:11 PM.

Deal breakers for Jimbo - mind you I'm already married, so these are hypothetical.

Ends every sentence with an upwards inflection of pitch.
Says phrases/words like "like, totally" and "OMG" as part of their normal dialect.
No education.
Loves, or even believes in, Jesus.
Tries to take me away from my hobbies.
Poor hygiene.
Habitually misuses your, you're, their, there, they're, right, write, etc.
and finally, Ugly.

said Jimbo on March 17, 2009 5:23 PM.

Cleet - This is true, for more reasons than just #21. It would have made things on the air a bit interesting.

Dave - I definitely missed the "hairy armpit" call. Damn French.

said Echowood on March 17, 2009 5:44 PM.

Echo, from your list, this little honey's still a candidate - For Love:

said E on March 17, 2009 6:57 PM.

If she likes pina coladas, getting caught in the rain, or the feel of the ocean
or the taste of champagne, you're not the lady I've looked for cause I fucking hate that song.

No Red Sox fans.

No born-again vegans. (Fine to be one, but don't try to change me)

Doesn't enjoy sarcasm.

Doesn't mind if I habitually misuse their, they're, their, write, right, etc.

said Baierman on March 17, 2009 10:37 PM.

1. If he's a Duke fan (I have had many issues with male Duke fans--only know one I would trust with anything, and he's happily married and I'm happy he is so)
2. Is a racist
3. Has no sweet tooth (I love to bake)
4. Doesn't like sports
5. Doesn't vote (registered for either party is fine, but not voting is a problem)
1. Must like a good argument and the ensuing aftermath of make-up time--but must also know the phrase "yes dear"--we women actually consider that foreplay sometimes
2. Must have good hygiene
3. Must be able to match my drive...
4. Must understand and appreciate sarcasm, even if not so fluent himself

said sarcastic one on March 17, 2009 10:57 PM.

If Allessandra Ambrosio told me she was an AIG bonus beneficiary, I'd kick her out of bed - 1 minute after I climaxed. Deal-breaker.

said E on March 18, 2009 12:28 AM.

E, in that situation, I give you permission to leave her hanging and unfulfilled...if the AIG guys are going to eff over the US taxpayers, and she was a retention bonus recipient, she wouldn't be worthy of an orgasm

said sarcastic one on March 18, 2009 1:19 PM.

Thanks SO. Those bastards spouses should be kicking them to the curb. Shameless.

said E on March 18, 2009 1:47 PM.

probably waiting it out like Madoff's wife--you have to see what's left of the fortune when the feds are done before you can sic your divorce lawyer on them...
otherwise the case gets drawn out and you end up paying the lawyers

said sarcastic one on March 18, 2009 2:25 PM.

another dealbreaker---a person who cannot apologize when they have done something wrong. I don't mean the wring it out of me, okay, I'm sorry apology, but the actual, wow I screwed up and she (or he) deserves to know that I acknowledge wrongdoing.

said sarcastic one on March 18, 2009 2:38 PM.

she text messages anyone while your with her.

said anonymous on March 18, 2009 4:09 PM.

I heart Dave. Your list looks an AWFUL lot like mine. Although, being a woman, I'm okay with my partner having hairy armpits.

said Heather Dawn on March 18, 2009 5:59 PM.

1. Poor grammar and syntax.
2. B.O. is ALWAYS a deal breaker. I'll overlook it if you're on your way to the shower after a gym session, but that's about it.
3. Christians (sorry, but as a strict Atheist, it would just create waaaaay too many problems).
4. Doesn't want to travel.
5. Is a huge dreamer - the sort of person who every two seconds has a new life goal and plan. Stop talking about it and do it.
6. Thinking they can give me rules I must follow. I will rebel.

said Amdela on March 19, 2009 9:57 AM.

I really take exception to the lightsabre comment. I happen to have a decent Star Wars collection, and I'd be bummed if someone were to dismiss me because of that.

I mean, at least I don't carry my lightsabre around with me.

said Melissa on October 26, 2009 3:18 AM.

Melissa, I hope a "Leia" outfit is somewhere in that collection. That's the only way I'm forgiving any woman for having a lightsabre.

My short list:
1. Thinks Sarah Palin 2012 is a good idea. I'm a republican and that's still a deal breaker.
2. Quotes anyone from Fox news and/or Rush Limbaugh.

And one from real life:
3. Looks at your picture on Facebook and says "I don't like 'joke' t-shirts." Honestly, I canceled a date because of that. What's the use of dating someone I can't wear 90% of my wardrobe around? Humorless bitch.

said Jason on October 26, 2009 11:46 AM.
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