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Stop Stealing my Forks!


Dear Cleaning Lady, Landlord, Building Super, and/or Cats,

Stop stealing my forks.
You are really pissing me off.

Since last year I have noticed my supply of forks dwindling. At first I blamed myself, as I sometimes use them for darts. Surely I trashed a few in the past in my drunken attempt for a bullseye?

Then two months ago I made a change. I replaced all my old forks, knives, spoons and got two new sets of utensils. That gave me 8 forks - I'd never be short forked again.

Today I realized there are only 4 forks left.
What the fork!
I searched under the sink, behind cabinets, emptied the dishwasher, even looked under the sofa cushions but didn't find even one fork.
Not even a tine.
And none have been used as darts either.

(Note: I still have 8 knives and 8 spoons.)

And so I turn my evil eye toward those who also have access to my forkly-challenged apartment. Which one of you is getting in the way of me eating my waffles?
Is it you cleaning lady?
Or building super who keeps saying he has to "repair my windows."
Or nosy landlord?
Or my cats who have been acting suspicious lately?

Whoever it is, it's not forkin' funny. I demand you return my missing forks. N O W. Otherwise I will take drastic measures.

This is your chance to come clean. Return my forks and all will be forkgiven. Ignore me and I will nab the sterling-silver bandit and reign down a flurry of pain so severe you will wish you took stole my plastic sporks instead.

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Cats ALWAYS behave suspiciously ...

said David Lucey on February 4, 2009 11:35 AM.

You should pitch a new undercover show to NBC News: "To Catch a Fork Thief." Internet pedophiles have been getting kinda boring anyway.

Or, maybe you could start attaching magnets to them and sticking them under your kitchen sink, like those spare key holder thingies.

said Jeem on February 4, 2009 11:41 AM.

I think it could be aliens..my sister had a similar problem but with her knives. She and her husband and children were left with one knife between them.

said CindylovesScara on February 4, 2009 11:58 AM.

I would go the passive agressive route and put your remaining forks in a locked box in your silverware drawer and mark it in big letters FORKS ONLY.

said Angie on February 4, 2009 12:41 PM.

Go CIA style. Attach small GPS units to each fork. Then send in a swat team of thugs in to take them by force.

Contact Leo for the thugs.

Where has Leo been anyway?

said Sheriff Pablo on February 4, 2009 12:43 PM.

It might be your dishwasher eating them (or your sink, perhaps). I know the dryer is the culprit in many sock related thefts.

At least in some houses. My cat has taken to hiding amongst my pile of dirty laundry to spy on me at night, and I imagine a good number of my socks are now wherever her secret lair is. So I wouldn't be surprised at all if your cats were to blame.

said Eddy on February 4, 2009 1:03 PM.

Chalk it up to household entropy.

said E on February 4, 2009 1:27 PM.

Dave, agreed. I have tried to keep them pleased by giving them daily doses of wet food and chicken nuggets.

Jeem, do you have any connections with MSNBC? I think this would make a fabulous option.

Pablo, I was investigating that too. But the downer with Obama in the WHite House is more strict rules in place for these types of black ops.
Also thought maybe a nanny cam like device, like a wall clock, might be a good idea. I'd like something with a live feed of my fork drawer so I can maintain constant surveillance.

Cindy - was your sister ever abducted? It could be just a coincidence but aliens do like to take momentous. I don't remember if I was abducted but come to think of it, a few months ago I did wake up with a pain in my ass. I chalked it up to Spicy chili but maybe...

said Baierman on February 4, 2009 2:36 PM.

Just so you have one serious comment: It is your cleaning lady. She is using them to eat her meal. Instead of washing and putting them away, she puts them in her bag silently saying, "I will wash this at home and bring it back next week."

Cindy, your knives are disappearing because your husband uses them instead of a screwdriver or miniature pry bar. Of course, they are ruined and he throws them away instead of letting you see them. Your sons might also be doing it, but they had to learn it from someone, now didn't they?

said Edward on February 4, 2009 2:45 PM.


Just some ideas ... places to check for the missing forks.

1) Do you eat a lot of fish? Every Seafood Sunday, I would prepare a meal featuring fresh, pan-fried fish. Sure enough, I'd sit down to enjoy my meal only to find that my placesetting was askew, and my utensils missing altogether. I'd place the feast on the table, fetch a new set of feeders and return to my meal - only to find nothing but hushpuppies and a trail of malt vinegar. It only took a few Sundays to figure out that the culprit was the cat, but the utensils weren't located until many months later when I finally changed the cat litter. Not to be outsmarted by a cat, I ate my meal from the litterbox from that day forward. So, I suggest to you that a quick sift through the litterbox might be worthwhile.

2) Do you have the sudden urge to scratch your back while eating? Whenever I am low on clean forks, I can always count on my buddy Sal to have a few amidst the back hairs. He showers regularly, so his fine silverware are as clean as those you'll find in any restaurant. Perhaps the hug of a good friend will uncover a few of your lost wonder prongs. Sal and I have been friends for years; always watching each other's back.

3) Are there any 'abstract artists' living near you? For years, I couldn't figure out why all my lint kept disappearing. Every Spring, I would go downstairs to do laundry and clean out the lint trap on the dryer. I'd throw it in the trash, put the clothes in the dryer, go upstairs to fetch another load, return downstairs and POOF, it was gone. Next Spring, same thing. Same with the belly lint. I'd go to bed ... it was there. In the morning ... nothing! It took a trip through the art district and a southerly wind to discover my missing product and point me to the sticky-fingered villian. My weaselly, artist-like neighbor had been taking my lint nuggets to canvas and selling the artwork for profit. Perhaps a local 'abstract artist' is on the verge of making millions with your forks.

I'd say that one of these is the most likely culprit. But failing these ideas, I have other less likely possibilities involving things like underground silver commodities trading, disenchanted mirror salesmen, travel portals for primates and loose women in parachute pants. We can discuss those in more detail as needed.

Good Luck!

said Tim on February 4, 2009 4:42 PM.

You know, Baierman....alien abduction is possible in my sister's case..but I'm thinking an alien might actually be living in her body.

Edward, my hubby always leaves his knives in the sink for me to wash..:)

said CindylovesScara on February 4, 2009 4:50 PM.

1. I don't eat fish regularly but I have in the past 2 months. However, I also clean the litter box daily so I'd have found the forks there. BUT, that doesn't mean the forks couldn't have been thrown out with the bones, heads and entrails.
Perhaps I should add the garbage guys to my list of culprits. My search expands...
(Note: when I seafood, i usually do eat it. Hence my need to take up smoking diet.)

2. After an unfortunate innocent with a Ginzu that sent me to the ER, I usually scratch my back on corners of doors or walls. I wish I had a friend like Sal. May I rent him? Does he do windows? (I haven't upgraded to Vista)

3. Abstract artists? I have neighbors both upstairs and downstairs. The upstairs ones leave at all hours of the day and night. They could have keys to my apartment for the previous tenant. I must change the locks!

4 I am a big fan of the show LOST. Is it possible that JJ Abrams has invented new technology that can search your home and take things from it then place it on the show??? On that same front, I must NetFlix "The Abyss" That movie had some weird water creature that invaded human worlds. Also, whatever happened to that chick from "The Ring?" Did they kill her cause come to think of it she kinda looks like my cleaning lady....

said Baierman on February 4, 2009 7:07 PM.


After reading your reply, I am not convinced that the cat litter has been thoroughly examined. Are you aware that cat urine can return certain metals to their liquid state? Is there a thin layer of metal at the bottom of the litterbox? If so, it just might be the remnants of your missing forks.

I discovered this quite by accident after a Fish Fry at the local humane society. They let me take bottom of the kitty sandpit home as a memento. I use it as a cookie sheet.

Those damn cats are smarter than you think.

said Tim on February 4, 2009 8:50 PM.

Tim - I really appreciate your wealth of knowledge and expertise. You not only have a grasp of financial markets but very in-depth information about cat urine.

I report that there is not a thin layer of metal on the bottom of my litter box.
I do use clumping style litter so perhaps I could smelt down the clumps and strain the excess to find the metal fragments/traces? Do you know how I would do this? Can I mail my used litter to you and you can do this process for me. I would pay you.

said Baierman on February 5, 2009 11:31 AM.
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