Dear Cleaning Lady, Landlord, Building Super, and/or Cats,
Stop stealing my forks.
You are really pissing me off.
Since last year I have noticed my supply of forks dwindling. At first I blamed myself, as I sometimes use them for darts. Surely I trashed a few in the past in my drunken attempt for a bullseye?
Then two months ago I made a change. I replaced all my old forks, knives, spoons and got two new sets of utensils. That gave me 8 forks - I'd never be short forked again.
Today I realized there are only 4 forks left.
What the fork!
I searched under the sink, behind cabinets, emptied the dishwasher, even looked under the sofa cushions but didn't find even one fork.
Not even a tine.
And none have been used as darts either.
(Note: I still have 8 knives and 8 spoons.)
And so I turn my evil eye toward those who also have access to my forkly-challenged apartment. Which one of you is getting in the way of me eating my waffles?
Is it you cleaning lady?
Or building super who keeps saying he has to "repair my windows."
Or nosy landlord?
Or my cats who have been acting suspicious lately?
Whoever it is, it's not forkin' funny. I demand you return my missing forks. N O W. Otherwise I will take drastic measures.
This is your chance to come clean. Return my forks and all will be forkgiven. Ignore me and I will nab the sterling-silver bandit and reign down a flurry of pain so severe you will wish you took stole my plastic sporks instead.