ornate line
Government! Bail Me Out!
greatdepression.jpg"Brother, can you spare a dime?"
E.Y. "Yip" Harburg

Dear our Government,

Well, I should have seen this coming. Years of reckless living and frivolous spending has finally caught up to ole J-Dub. Can you believe it? Bust out the checkbook, Government, I need a bailout.

The circumstances that brought me to his point are still pretty murky. It's vexing. You would think that churning out childish drivel for an online pop culture blog would have me in the black. Not so!

We're at "threat level midnight," here Government. Time for you to step up to the plate, knock the dirt off your cleats and be a hero.

I figured that I could use my overconfidence, produce an inferior, poorly made product, take no responsibility for my actions and all would be peaches. Sure, maybe I should have been more astute and planned ahead, but oh well. Spilled milk and all that hooey. There was an assumption on this end that every one of my 77 readers would pony up $77.77 each time they read this very column. Then I found out they read it for free. Free! Imagine the shock.

So, Government, here's what I need; $77 million clams. That's it. Notice, that's an "M" in front of that "illions," not a "B." This is a bargain. The original number was $1.3 billion, but I slashed the budget to the bone. No racecars, no private monkey house, no island retreat. We all have to sacrifice in this time of crisis.

(Okay, I may still have the primate house. I need some amenities. What am I Amish?)

There are some necessities I require so I can get back on my feet; a new penthouse in The Dakota. The new digs will really help my productivity. And I might live next to Yoko Ono. Imagine the stories, Government! There will be some travel expenses. How am I supposed to write about Africa and Wimbledon if I haven't been there? This is just common sense. Oh, before I forget, I'm going to buy a 1959 Stratocaster from Guitar Center on 14th Street. Only $49,000! Bargain city, baby!

There is also a possibility I may start collecting dinosaur fossils. A man has to have a hobby.

There you have it. $77 million to get me going again. None of this is my fault, of course. I kissed personal and fiscal responsibility long ago. Time for you to help me out.

We are going to have a lavish shindig at the Rainbow Room in celebration of the windfall. Er, "bailout." Yeah, bailout. You should swing by, Government!

Make the check out to "Johnny Wright, Keymaster of Legends." And could you be a dove and hurry? Stuff to do, guitars to buy.

Thanks! We'll get through this crisis together!

Kindly and with respect,

Johnny Wright

Sing it Tom...

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"And I might live next to Yoko Ono."
Say what? Government gone give you a bailout and you be spending it on dat skeeza? Blogga, puhlease! You bout to get on my last nerve.

said E on February 19, 2009 9:53 PM.

Dear Johnny Wright YBNBY,

We would like to acknowledge receipt of your request for assistance. As you may know, we are currently in the business of assisting many Americans experiencing financial hardship due to no fault of their own. Your situation certainly qualifies as something needing immediate action. We are here to help.

The United States Government are prepared to act quickly in this matter. While you have provided much detail on your immediate funding requirements, we are writing to request additional information about your future funding needs. When these programs (or 'bailouts', if we may be permitted to use your terminology) become available, we find it is often best to not only consider immediate needs, but provide funding for any needs that can be reasonably anticipated at any time in the near future.

To date, we have approved funding in excess of 300 billion dollars that will not be spend for at least 2 years. But there is still much to do. Please respond as soon as possible with your future plans so that we may exercise our current mandate and allocate funds for your anticipated spending needs well into the next administration.


The United States Government

cc: Nancy Pelosi
Barney Frank

said Happy Days Are Here Again on February 19, 2009 10:22 PM.

Now that is a comment. Beauty. A+.


said Johnny Wright on February 20, 2009 10:01 AM.

Given the recent stint of monkey related injuries, you may want to rethink the ape house. Maybe you need a giraffe house. When was the last time you heard of a giraffe going crazy and eating anyone? It just doesn't happen. All they know how to do is eat leaves.


said Echowood on February 20, 2009 4:53 PM.

Maybe so, Echo. May rethink that one. Maybe I could get a hippo pool and feed them pumpkins.

I haven't been able to write about the chimp story because it's so sad and upsetting. A terrible week for the monkeys and apes.

said Johnny Wright on February 21, 2009 10:04 AM.
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