ornate line
While The Cat's Away...
As has been widely discussed, my girlfriend Lindsey is in Portland, OR for work during the next few weeks. And despite my brushes with infidelity, she trusts me enough to take care of her apartment while she's gone. She was under the assumption that it would be nothing more than picking up her mail and watering her plants. I had other ideas...

With iPhone in hand, I made my way to her small brownstone apartment on the Upper West Side. Knowing Lindsey's love of her apartment, which is not unfounded as it is a wonderful place, I decided to be a bit naughty. I took several pictures (with my iPhone's shitty camera) of me doing stupid things. (You'll have to imagine the things I did that I can't show you here.) I took the photos and e-mailed them to her, just to make her squirm. These were the results:

I left the toilet seat up. This isn't a huge infraction, but she arrives back in town late at night, and I hope she ends up with a wet butt when she falls in. She'll forget about the photo, and I'll get an angry late-night phone call explaining what a dipshit I am. (These are not uncommon.)

I was naked ... very naked. The usual disgust at the site of my genitalia will only be compounded by the thought that my unprotected member is brushing up against her high-thread count Egyptian cotton sheets.

Lindsey's kitchen is brand new. At most, it's about eight months old. Lindsey loves her kitchen. She creates masterpieces in there. So threatening to destroy the peaceful balance of a room she adores gives me an immense amount of glee.

Note to self: Get Lindsey addicted to pain killers. As it stands, my girlfriend has absolutely no fun drugs in her medicine cabinet. (Though the under-eye cream I used was wonderfully refreshing.)

I have a change jar in my apartment which was pilfered to no end by what I'm attributing to change elves or our stereotypical Eastern European landlord trying to afford to bring his family to the states, one quarter at a time. (Though, in actuality, it was probably me during one of my drug-induced walking comas.) So I knew she'd find it funny that I stole (and took a picture of) what amounted to $2.58 worth of change... and some paperclips).

The sin of all sins. Drinking from the bottle. What's worse is that I freshly opened this bottle of seltzer and actually drank from it. It wasn't an act. I left some in the bottle, which at that point more than likely contained 20-30% of my own saliva and backwash. Upon seeing the photos, Lindsey insisted that I simply finish the bottle as she doesn't want to "deal with it" when she gets home.

So there you have it. I'm probably the world's greatest boyfriend. Unselfish. Caring. Compassionate. Trustworthy. Faithful. And most importantly ... exceptionally virile.
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Dude, that's pretty funny, your all pervin' out in your womans apartment while your woman is all pervin out with a dude named Ted.

That almost makes me feel bad.

There is probably so much that she doesn't know about.

There is probably so much that you don't know about.

Oh, the shame.

said Dave on August 25, 2008 11:12 AM.

I sure hope the 5 bucks you get for your share of the revenue for this page is worth the mountain of shit that Lyndsey is going to heap on you on her return.

Oh, and I want you to post that picture of you under the sheets larger for our next Caption Competition.

said Scaramouch on August 25, 2008 12:23 PM.

You are hilarious! Lindsey sounds a little bit paranoid about her material items. For the love of god - get her some new sheets! Country bumpkin lacy sheets are NOT sexy. The thread count can be off the charts, but, come on - Holly Hobbie in the heart of NYC? Well, maybe for some of you sickos.

said molli on August 25, 2008 12:36 PM.

Good thing you aren't married.......yet.........can't wait for the caption contest!

said Bigus Dickus on August 25, 2008 1:03 PM.

As your chick mentor, I'm kind of feeling a little vibe that molli might be pushing your way.

Work that vibe a little, buddy.
Little subtle signs, talking a little smack about Lindsey, kind of challenging her sexiness.
Come on, let's see your magic.

WWTD? (What Would Ted Do?)

said Dave on August 25, 2008 1:04 PM.

what i dont get is the disgust part, i assume you've been naked there before.

said etantao on August 25, 2008 1:13 PM.

Echo not to chuck you under the bus or anything, but you had mentioned that you took the pics. with your I phone. Now, just noticing the photo of you in Lindseys bed-naked, I'm wondering who took the picture? I see both arms down, unless Lindsey has a swing over her bed that you duct taped your phone to. (which leads to another question of if IPHONEs have timers?) I am guessing that you had an accomplice for that picture. Now, I don't know a lot of dudes that are willing to take a picture of their buddy in their girl friend's bed naked.
I can only assume that there was another woman in Lindseys apartment taking pictures of the Echo-Naked in her bed.
Echo, you dog.

Lindsey, please call me, I'm here for you, pretty girl.
Love Dave.

said Dave on August 25, 2008 2:02 PM.

Dave you're on thin ice.

Further, why are you studying the picture of me naked so intently? VERY interesting...

said Echowood on August 25, 2008 2:27 PM.

Dave, you busted Echo on that, bud!

Scara, I can't wait for the caption competition!

said Leonardo Carvalho on August 25, 2008 2:40 PM.

dave + molli,
i'll give you a point for the pillows, fair and square. as amazingly awesome as they might be, echo needs to sleep with three of them each night to prop his overly large head up.

and, darling echo, dave has such an interesting point. who did take that lovely photo? hmmm. maybe we should take your ybnby winnings to buy me roses, champagne, and new bedding.

said the real lindsey on August 25, 2008 2:55 PM.

Do her one better. Take something of yours that she finds disgusting and offensive and fears her parents may one day discover and hide it somewhere in her apartment. Let her know its there - or not - but give no clues to its location.

said Jim on August 25, 2008 2:56 PM.

You know, Dave's got a point about the both arms thing.

said Scaramouch on August 25, 2008 3:04 PM.

After reading the molli comment as she bagged on your womans sheets, I thought I'd take a second look. I didn't notice anything bad about them the first time I skimmed over the picture.
While I was taking interest in the SHEETS I just happened to notice the photo and realised that you didn't take the picture.
Though it was a nice attempt to divert attention away from your blunder by trying to attack my manhood, it wasn't wise move.
First, because everyone knows that attacking my manhood is like trying to knock down a plane with a slingshot. It's just not going to happen. My manhood is just too stable.
Second, you have to have a little faith in your wing man, and realise that my attack was not against you.
Lets take a step back for a minute.
Remember back to My challenge, sweet Lindsey immediately upon reading shot down any Ted's or Darryl's but mentioned a Bob.
There was never an explantion of Bob, she just gave you a "just a send me flowers and I'll forget about it."
Thus, keeping the blame on you.
Typical estrogenic game by keeping the focus and blame on you.
That leads me to my next question: WHAT ABOUT BOB??????
Lindsey, what about this BOB?????
Echo, I know you have had to wonder about the question.
I was just trying to give you (as your wingman) a little fuel. If you are going to have questions, then by hell she is going to have questions.
You've gotta level the playing field. You can't let her pull stuff like that and get away with it.
As your wingman, you have to trust me. I'll take care of you if you do. Let's call it a lesson, and move on.

The Dave.

said Dave on August 25, 2008 3:20 PM.

My Grandma had bed linens just like that. No way that's Lindsey's bed.

said Tim on August 25, 2008 3:35 PM.

Perhaps Echo is in your grandma's bed???

said Dave on August 25, 2008 3:55 PM.

kudos to Lindsey for putting up with all of this. Take no offense to the sheet/bedding decor - but now you definately need new bedding from what I've been reading. You might want to relocate to Oregon at this point.

said molli on August 25, 2008 4:00 PM.

Dave - This is what I am saying.

P.S. I suspect molli is from Oregon. Nicely played, molli.

said Tim on August 25, 2008 4:07 PM.

Molli, you have become interesting to us, tell us about yourself.

said Dave on August 25, 2008 4:27 PM.

Dave, don't forget the usual checking... AVU, ass-crickets... Walk on safe, bud.

Anyway, go on molli. Let's share.

said Leonardo Carvalho on August 25, 2008 4:33 PM.

Dave, I'm glad you find me interesting (?). I live in Denver - Headquarters of the 2008 DNC. I'm about ready to head downtown to check out the excitement - and get some bamboo sheets at BB&B. You are funny Dave.

said molli on August 25, 2008 5:52 PM.

Bamboo Sheets, very interesting. I can tell you are quite particular about your sheets. That is a good thing, Most don't care about the particulars, especially when it comes to sheets.
Are you aware that I am running for president?
I would like you to give you a formal invitation to join my campaign.


Thank you for finding me funny.

said Dave on August 25, 2008 6:15 PM.

I like things that feel good against my skin. Wow - first we get into the sheets and now you are asking me to be your campaign bitch? You don't mess around, do you Dave? Maybe after you tell me what you are running for - I'll think about it.

said molli on August 25, 2008 9:00 PM.

molli - You have to thread lots of comments on previous posts here. What started as Dave willing to run for President, is now becoming a plan to spread a new worldwide nation...

said Leonardo Carvalho on August 25, 2008 9:09 PM.

No, no, no, Leo - it started with Echo trying to violate his girlfriend's trust with his iPhone. People blog, I mentioned some new sheets - things manifested, and then voila! You have a young man in a sheet emerging from a missle-like shell, pounding his freedom fists in the air and shouting........where is my typewriter - this could be an Oprah book club book.

said molli on August 26, 2008 12:13 AM.

molli - I said that you must follow threads from weeks ago to see what's Dave running for and get into the whole business.
I saw where he started to try to get you into.

said Leonardo Carvalho on August 26, 2008 12:21 AM.

'While The Cat's Away ...'

Echo - It may have escaped our detection here that there is a hidden clue about your 'relationship' with Lindsey in the title of this post. It begs the question:

Is your beloved a cougar?

I ask because it might better explain the granny sheets. Cougars need love too.

said Tim on August 26, 2008 11:16 AM.

So now I'm #2 on the list?

said Jeni Gump on August 26, 2008 1:30 PM.

We can stop thinking that he had someone else take the bed picture...I figured out how he did it...
Arms at sides, hands hovering above (wrists crossed or not, that's your choice, but easier to brace the camera phone if you do), use one hand to take picture with...

don't ask......but my guess is that he was trying to enhance his cleavage by having his arms squeeze the girls together--from the looks of the sheets he did a good job...

Dave for world supreme leader!
(that was my attempt to change the subject...did it work?)

said sarcastic one on August 26, 2008 9:14 PM.

Tim-I wasn't referring to that "cat". What I was referring to was another way to call a cat a kitten (there's five little letters that I'm missing here).

Sarcastic- You're methodology would prove correct. However, my pectorals are more like two tic tacs on a cutting board rather than anything substantial.

said Echowood on August 27, 2008 9:49 AM.

Coll blog.
Thanks, webmaster.

said Order Viagra on August 28, 2008 9:45 AM.

you're good looking

said Beth on August 29, 2008 2:57 AM.
pop culture
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