ornate line
Pastor Doesn't Have Cancer, Has Porn?
This week in unexplainable...

Some of you are already aware of this bizarre tale. An Australian pastor named Michael Guglielmucci has been faking cancer for the last two years to hide an addiction to pornography. Take a second and read that sentence again. He faked cancer. Including losing his hair and vomiting all over the place. His wife didn't even know the cancer was bogus.

Still confused? Here's more:

I cannot figure out how the thought process would go from hiding his online activities to faking the most hated disease on our planet. I don't see the correlation. Faking cancer as a pornography alibi. I do not understand what Michael was thinking.

Any theories? Please share.

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Douchebagery at it's finest!

said Jeni Gump on August 26, 2008 7:11 PM.

is he in Norway? (kidding)

said Angie on August 26, 2008 7:19 PM.

You asked for a theory – here is one: The guilty make the best accusers.

After spending 6 years living with and socializing
among members of a “ church group” I learned that anyone
that “thumps the bible” loud and hard is usually hiding something.

The church group I knew preached against and looked down
upon “sinners” that did things like enjoy adult pornography,
had pre-marital sex, or were homosexual.

The irony of it all is these things were happening in EXTREME
forms among most of the members within the group.
Including the priest – LOL!

I have much more respect for people that openly live as “sinners”.
I have zero respect for hypocrites and fakers that hide behind religion.

said cleantowel on August 26, 2008 7:51 PM.

Leo - It's time to clear a corner. We've got some propping to do.

What a shit stain. I'll give his suitable punishment some thought this evening and return with my final answer.

said ConservaLiberCrat_08 on August 26, 2008 8:48 PM.

What I find most interesting is that this "pastor" didn't even have the guts to go up there and admit his sins. As much as I loathe assholes like Jimmy Haggart, at least he had the cajones to get up there in front of his congregation (crying like a little girl) and admit what he did, knowing many would damn him.

Idiots like this guy (and Ted Haggart) have someone read a letter in their place. Complete chickens. If they really believed in the power of forgiveness they'd get up there and tell them in person. I guess he was too busy... downloading porn.


said Chris on August 26, 2008 9:19 PM.

weird thing is, he looks like a professor I had who was also a complete douchebag.....his American doppleganger.....

question....his wife never went to a doctor's appointment or chemo with him? And I guess that Australian insurance is different--because here in the States you get a bazillion letters/EOBs/pieces of correspondence, etc from the insurance company and physician just for going for a physical w/labs...with cancer you might as well set aside a room for the mail...

also...lying about cancer to cover up a porn addiction is just asking for God to give you cancer of the boys....

said sarcastic one on August 26, 2008 9:44 PM.

You see, lying about having cancer to the people at work, by pretending your hagard look is because you've been downloading too much porn - that I can kind of understand.

said Scaramouch on August 26, 2008 10:09 PM.

It is all so easy to understand after you think about it for a while... The model reveals itself like a typical pyramiding business plan and story of success.

Phase 1... Collect lots of porn and devise way to spend the ret of your life beating off.

#A. First you fake being ill, but not just being sick... You have to be dying. People pay attention to people who are dying more than people who just have a case of the flu.

#B. Spend a long time in the hospital at the churches expense, and make side money donating blood and semen. (It's a win/win situation.)

#C. hire six people to hire six people that will hire six people and you have the making of an evil pyramid.

#D. Sit around all day violently masturbating to Onion Booty (Ass so fine it makes your eyes water.) and the Bang Boat (With Captain Stabbin) Do this all day with a carrot up your ass while everybody prays and slaves for you.

#E. Take a break from beating your jimmy raw and put on a show as if you were Garth Brooks of the Australian Christian Rodeo Circuit.

Phase 3... Profit.

I think his only mistake was not planning out a contingency plan and then taking into consideration that Jesus was hiding behind his hospital room door when all the spanking was going on.

(Ha... that guy said addiction.)

said inlikeflint on August 26, 2008 11:32 PM.

Is it Eroticism and Religion week? We had a Nun beauty contest, a, uh, whatever you call that butt plug thing and now a porn addicted pastor/preist/whatever... Something is in the air, no?

said E on August 27, 2008 1:00 AM.

Sister Mary Ignatius will be wanting a word with you Johnny. (May the lord protect you.)

said E on August 27, 2008 1:02 AM.

Man, I didn't think about that. E may be right. Sorry about that unfortunate running theme.

said Johnny Wright on August 27, 2008 1:25 AM.

Clearly, the 'rapture' is upon us.

said E on August 27, 2008 1:30 AM.

Another odd thing about this is Michael appears to be running a lumberjack church. I'm looking for the Big Blue Ox in the background when he's speaking.

said Johnny Wright on August 27, 2008 2:08 AM.

What are his sermons like I wonder:

Where were you when they went down on our lord?
My rod and my staff shall comfort thee.
Priets and the Boy's Choir - Damn them liberals.
God casts his eye on the (semen drenched) water.

said E on August 27, 2008 2:23 AM.

Man... this guy is really sick. Faking a cancer to hid his pornography addiction? Nasty...

He doesn't deserve to be propped into the corner CLC, we're going to put him to "Pearl Diving", remember that? Only that we'll help the pool drain to suck his guts outside by pulling him out of the water as the suction starts to suck his insides out.

said Leonardo Carvalho on August 27, 2008 7:41 AM.

This kind of falls in line with the Pastor-Money thing, Jimmy Swaggart and James Baker. However throwing cancer in the mix almost places him in Jim Jones Territory. Who which by the way (for Johnny) sold monkeys door to door for fundraisers before going on to communism and talking his congregation into mass suicide.
This story did dis-prove my theory on Pastors named Jim which I will not get into.

said Dave on August 27, 2008 9:17 AM.

Faking cancer isn't limited to pastors.


It actually provides great cover for a whole host of sins. I know a guy who was a well-respected law student and editor of the law journal who faked cancer to cover up his plagiarism, of all things. There was a student at Ball State who faked cancer for three years to con people out of money.

See also Fight Club.

Cancerscamming is a common thing, for myriad reasons. I have more sympathy for those deluded folks who do it out of fear of losing one's job, like this guy did, than to manipulate people into giving them money.

Having said that: Liar, liar pants on fire. Nose as long as a telephone wire.

said Don't Swayze Bro on August 27, 2008 10:37 AM.

I always thought it was Liar Liar pants on Fire, Hang your head on a telephone wire.

Your's makes much more sence.
How in the hell have I lived as long and have never had the correct Liar Liar???
I swear all of the kids that I grew up with said it my way.
I feel cheated. Am I alone?????

said Dave on August 27, 2008 10:45 AM.

I heard about some of those folks DSB. They're lower than whale shit. They should be dropped off and left alone in a Crip neighborhood wearing all red.

said ConservaLiberCrat_08 on August 27, 2008 10:46 AM.

I always thought it was "Liar liar pants on fire", and that's it. I didn't know about the telephone wire part. Was that the club-mix?

said ConservaLiberCrat_08 on August 27, 2008 10:58 AM.

Hanging one's head on a telephone wire is somewhat of a severe punishment for lying, I would think. I would reserve that degree of correction for people who "can't cut the mustard" or those who "fade into Bolivian."

said Don't Swayze Bro on August 27, 2008 1:00 PM.

I wonder if he had Kids In the Hall Cancer. We all know what causes that:


said Don't Swayze Bro on August 27, 2008 1:03 PM.

Swayze gets 100 points for a solid Mike Tyson reference. "Fade into Bolivian." The only one that topped that was Shawn Kemp saying he can go left or right, "I'm amphibious."

said Johnny Wright on August 27, 2008 1:28 PM.

Careful Rev... My instincts are telling me that Dave is probably still getting over Shawn Kemp's amphibious trash talking.

said ConservaLiberCrat_08 on August 27, 2008 1:40 PM.

I checked on Dave's Jim Jones monkey trivia. It appears that is true. Jim Jones sold monkeys door to door. How did I not know this? The San Francisco Chronicle confirmed it.


How come a monkey salesman has never come to my door? I feel cheated. Stupid bug control and security system guys show up, no monkey salesman.

Well done Dave. Well done.

said Johnny Wright on August 27, 2008 1:47 PM.

Johnny, you know I'd never lie to you about monkeys.
I guess I brought that up because I don't think that we realise that monkeys can be used for both good and EVIL.
We get so caught up in the good of monkeys that we forget that there are some that use monkeys to hurt us. We should always be watchful.
Never accept monkeys from a stranger unless we have a full background check.
Johnny, no matter how tempting it may be, never accept a monkey from a stranger.
I cant stress that enough.

Still can't believe you of all people didn't know that about Jim Jones. Reverend.

said Dave on August 27, 2008 1:57 PM.

I think you may be right. I promise I won't take a monkey from a religious nut if he comes to my door. But I'll protest the decision symbolically.

said Johnny Wright on August 27, 2008 2:14 PM.

He tricked his wife into believing he had dong cancer by spanking it so much that it was completely black and blue and had some intense chafing marks on it.

said hobonirvana on August 27, 2008 3:54 PM.

Yep. Appears so.

It really is one of the oddest stories I've seen in a while.

said Johnny Wright on August 27, 2008 4:04 PM.

i just realized that pretty much every article i comment is johnny wright's. i feel a little stalker-ish now.

said hobonirvana on August 27, 2008 4:08 PM.

I have never had a problem with any monkey I accepted from a stranger. But, per Dave's advice, I will start doing background checks.

Where does one get a background check on a monkey?

said Tim on August 27, 2008 4:09 PM.

Yeah, Hobo, you're freaking me out. You better not scale the fence and bust into my apartment like that chick that stalked George Harrison.

said Johnny Wright on August 27, 2008 4:15 PM.

The UNNA's research team will do it for you Tim. Jusk call us when a stranger comes offering you a monkey.

Don't forget that you're into the team, and you have a SWAT team covering your ass, just like the other members.

said Leonardo Carvalho on August 27, 2008 4:20 PM.

Hobo-If you changed your name to HomoNirvana, you may have a chance with Johnny.
Or better yet HomoPearlJam.

said Dave on August 27, 2008 4:24 PM.

i was going to make some clever remark involving a beatles song, but all of those sounded even more stalker-ish than before.

said hobonirvana on August 27, 2008 4:24 PM.

JW, do you need a security team?

said Leonardo Carvalho on August 27, 2008 4:24 PM.

How dare you, Dave. How dare you.

I'll call if needed Leo. It's possible. Start working on the capoeira. Cheers.

said Johnny Wright on August 27, 2008 4:27 PM.

No, a hobo used to live in the woods behind my house when i was like 10. i made a religion, called it jehobo's witness, and made the goal of it Hobonirvana.

said hobonirvana on August 27, 2008 4:27 PM.


said Johnny Wright on August 27, 2008 4:30 PM.

Hobonirvana, I think you kick ass. Glad to have you aboard.

said Dave on August 27, 2008 4:37 PM.

JW, capoeira only works if both you and the other guy knows the steps to dance together... You know it.

I'm at your service in the case of need.

said Leonardo Carvalho on August 27, 2008 4:39 PM.

Just in case. Capoeira. Just in case.

said Johnny Wright on August 27, 2008 4:42 PM.

Dave, I think hobonirvana will be useful in the UNNA scheme. Do you have som plan for him? I thought that since he started this jehobo's witness religion, he can attract the hobos and then we see what they are for.
If they can do something useful or just carry their plastic bags.

hn can be our 'Hobolinn piper'. We'll need to get the streets rid of them.

said Leonardo Carvalho on August 27, 2008 4:44 PM.

Alright Dave, here's my plan for the hobos. We'll get all of them into the Jehobo's Witness church, which is obviously a liquor store. Then, we pull a Hitler and gas them all. Replace their insides with a robot and you have your own personal assassins to take out anyone against the UNNA.

said hobonirvana on August 28, 2008 10:59 AM.

No man... not that holocaust thing again, the world has had enough of it. We're not like this. Rememeber, tough, but fair!

We have SWAT teams to protect the UNNA members and keep the peace.

In fact, as we were talking about having you with us, I've sent a team do check you and keep you safe as well. Don't worry, nothing will change in your quotidian life. They'll be invisible to you until you need their help. Your communicator will arrive soon.

Look at this. We have a farm, where we can put 'em to work, hard work. Those who don't fit will be going to the death match edition on the octagon. What we need is someone who can convince them and be their leaders. Those guys never had a chance (some of them had and dropped, but...) and if you put some effort to help them, they can be you most loyal servant.
And then we'll can use their sneaky experience to the secret services.

Think about it.

said Leonardo Carvalho on August 28, 2008 11:12 AM.

Best plan ever. We get 5 hobos, and have them farm potatoes. With the potatoes, we have them make vodka. With the vodka, we recruit more hobos. With more hobos, we can make more vodka. Within 2 months, all the hobos in the world will belong to us.

said hobonirvana on August 28, 2008 2:08 PM.

It's like the plan came from Hannibal Smith himself. That can't miss.

said Johnny Wright on August 28, 2008 2:10 PM.

Sometimes to wipe some guys off of view we don't need to kill them, we just need to have them with us.

And the Jehobos Witness Church will become the biggest religion ever.

said Leonardo Carvalho on August 28, 2008 2:32 PM.

This is gonna be tough for me to start though. I live in Rhode Island. We have 10 hobos, and I'm pretty sure they're all in jail.

said hobonirvana on August 28, 2008 2:35 PM.
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