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Top 5 Things That Shouldn't Be Gummi


If you know me, then you know I love all things gummi...bears, fish, lights (amazingly beautiful lights, that is). But I made a startling discovery earlier today as I was doing some online research (more on that later)...do you know how many bizarre gummi products there are these days? I mean, I know you've got your gummi worms, your insects, your skulls, and that's all good. But when it gets to gummi beaver roadkill (no, not that bad...but close) I start to wonder what else there is out there. So far, I've found five pretty odd ones, but I'm sure there are dozens more. (Look for gummi roadkill on your grocer's shelves soon) But for now, check out these five.

5) Anatomically correct body parts
Was a normal candybox-type heart not good enough? They had to go and put out an anatomically correct gummi heart, with valves, veins and all? Well, Valentine's day IS right around the corner. And you could always include a card that says something like...Aorta be your friend. (I'll be here all week) But what's next. once you do the heart, it's a slippery slope to the lungs, spleen and the father's day enlarged gummi prostate, for those times when you're standing around in the middle of the night with nothing to snack on.

4) Pork products
I know some on this site might disagree with this one, but probably not. I don't think gummi bacon would appeal to the purists we have here. And it's strawberry-flavored. They missed the obvious maple syrup McGriddle kinda-thing tie-in. Do I have to explain everything to you people! This one ranks right up there with that bubble gum bologna I've been seeing lately, but not quite as bad because you never know what they put in that stuff. By the way, I looked for gummi friend eggs, and guess what! No luck with the gummi bloody marys, though. No one said it was a perfect world.

3) Slugs
Gummi BANANA slugs, to be specific. And what is a banana slug, you ask? Why, it's generally any species of the pulmonate gastropod genus Ariolimax, usually bright yellow in color, with tentacles to detect chemicals, eyestalks to detect light and to prevent themselves from drying out, they can secrete a protective layer of mucus around their entire body...who wants seconds! According to the product page, slugs communicate using telepathy (huh), grow to be twelve feet long (yuck) and can survive in outer space (your tax dollars at work). But the most amazing fact...they're sold out. (and you wonder why the slugs are trying to leave the planet)

2) Whatever the hell this is
Of course I didn't know what Haggis is...do you? All I knew is that it was what Mike Myers ordered from the deli clerk that eventually wanted to kill him but not really because it was the sister who's jealous of all her boyfriends...come on! But now that I've looked it up, I know it's a sheep's heart, liver and lungs, boiled in the animal's stomach (sorry, just threw up a little...I'm back). Funny, I'm reminded of a Tom Rhodes bit regarding his recent trip to Great Britain..."the Germans shoulda dropped cookbooks on you motherf&kers". Well played, Thomas. But back to the gummi list...Gummi Haggis? Why? And it would've been our number one item, had it not been for...

1) Parasites
Np, I"m not talking about the gummi Eiffel Tower. Or most paparazzi, for that matter. I'm talking about the Gummi Tapeworms that started this whole post. (I was searching for slime eels...don't ask) According to the product copy, these little guys are 19 inches long, and green apple flavored. As compared to the real thing which can grow to be 30 feet long and are generally bleeech! flavored. But if you're trying to lose that last 20 pounds, they may just be the thing. But in this list, they're the number one item that shouldn't be gummi.

(Finally...if you liked this list, why not join the Jellio Facebook group to show your support of all things gummi...we'd love to get a big crowd!)

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1 Comment

Well, if you hate something gummi, you can now kill it with fire by dropping it into Potassium Chlorate. Do a youtube search for "youtube Potassium Chlorate and Gummy Bear" and you'll see how horrible it will be for the offending gummi treat. (via Wired Science Blog 1/24/08)

said Timothy Bond on January 25, 2008 9:26 AM.
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