ornate line
The Best Little Whorehouses in Second Life

"I think it's time you gave us something more hardcore".

It was Scaramouch, the editor of this digital rag. "A longer form piece, something that'll really show us what Second Life is all about, through the eyes of it's first gonzo journalist. Tell me, what do you spend most of your time there doing?"

My fingers paused over the keyboard - it's the same goddam stupid request Editors always ask, to 'get under the skin' to 'peel back the layers'. Only two weeks on the payroll, and already this jackass was wearing thin on me.

"Mainly, I fuck strippers" I replied, truthfully. After all, why lie? A beat, and then...

"OK then - how about the "Ten Best Escorts in Second Life"? We LOVE those Top Ten lists".

It was either continue to type, or punch my fist into the screen. "Do I get an unlimited expense account? In Linden Dollars?"

And so it was decided. I would spend seven days on a road trip - call it "Fear & Loathing in Second Life" - taking in ten of the best escorts the Lindens have to offer. It's a hard assignment, but someone had to do it.

FANTASY ESCORTS - Sunday 10.23pm
Fantasy Escorts breaks me in gently, with it's country club atmosphere, and familiar girls. One of the regulars, Lyndsay, was - long ago now - my very first intro to the world of party-on-demand , and so I return. My luck's in, because Lyndsay is here, in scarlet mini, ripe and ready to pluck. I watch for a while as she greases the pole, then I ask her to grant me the same favor.

As we go up to her room, I remember why Lyndsay is my appetizer of choice - sweet, gentle on the tongue, and easy on the stomach. "Tell me what you want, baby" she croons, and I know that whatever I ask for, I will get. Thirty minutes later, I'm drained but exhilarated. It's begun. One down, nine to go.

Fantasyescorts02 Fantasyescorts03 Fantasyescorts04

THE BARBIE CLUB - Monday 9.47pm
Barbie Club01

The next evening I walk into The Barbie Club and it's like deja vu all over again. Business once took me to London, and Peter Stringfellows' club, and The Barbie Club has that same scent in the air - chrome polish, used bills and stale coke.

On the stage was Synful, a raven-haired, statuesque Goddess. I like looking at and talking to tall women, but I don't often go with them for two reasons. Firstly, you need a couple of pillows for a boost to properly do them from behind, and that is just infatalizing. And more worryingly, I often wake up in the morning in panic that the big body in the bed next to me is a man.

Nevertheless, as we moved from strip club to jungle room to boudoir, I couldn't help but admire the careful way she maneuvered me for her maximum pleasure. And when Synful came, she cried out with an animal ferocity that almost convinced me.

Barbie Club02 Barbie Club03 Barbie Club04

THE ESCORT ALLIANCE - Monday 11.22pm
Escort Alliance01
If ever a pimp on Speed envisaged a Walmart of strippers,The Escort Alliance might come close to that vision. Don't be fooled by the name - this is no guild for working women, it's the very definition of a flesh market. Pictures line the walls to display the menu on offer, and a simple touch brings you the Dish of the Day.

I wandered for awhile, watching the freaks, before deciding on the flame-haired Jade. She arrived breathlessly, and thanked me for rescuing her from a mundane bacherlorette party. Jade was gorgeous, sexy and willing, but somehow my heart just wasn't it it. We quickly and roughly played out the scene, before calling it a night.

Escort Alliance02 Escort Alliance03

READY OR NOT CLUB - Tuesday 5.11pm

Now pay close attention, because this is important. This is me sitting in the Ready or Not Club, not so much a strip joint as a strip hangar, where some fine ladies generously offer lap dances to the endless procession of unworthy frat boys who make up the in-crowd. I fucking hate the in-crowd, and it takes all my strength not to pare the togas from their bodies, with a long-handled bowie knife I keep inventoried for just such occasions

But that's not the point. Because this place - this moment - is when I first met Selene. I know that doesn't mean much to you now, but in the coming weeks, it might. I paid for a private dance, and while she talked, I drowned in her French accent. Though I felt the blood pounding through my heart, I sensed this was a girl to look at, but not touch. And when she was finished, we were friends.

Readyornot02 Readyornot03 Readyornot04

AMSTERDAM - Tuesday 6.45pm

I needed somewhere to counter the sweetness of Selene, and so I chose Amsterdam - Europe's fuck-you to the rest of the world, which spread its legs wide in welcome. By 5 o'clock, it was teeming with window shoppers, and the little Dutch girls were already on display. Everything must go, discounts for cash, no layaways. The girl on the right told me it was her first night, and I believed her. But popping virgins always makes me antsy, so I settled for Madeline, a pig-tailed redhead with an ass that called to me like a Siren to a mariner.

Negotiations were made, and suddenly we were on a balcony overlooking the Aegean. My friend Gaz swears there's something about being blown in the great outdoors that brings you closer to whatever god you may worship, and for a moment I believed him. Whatshername slowly faded from my mind, at least for tonight.

Amster-Dames02 Amster-Dames03 Amster-Dames04

KAREENA'S PUSSYCATS - Wednesday 8.37pm

Kareena's Pussycats is an honest-to-god old fashioned titty bar, where the bump and grind is interrupted only by hearts falling from the ceiling. A nice touch. After four nights on the town, I was looking for a break, so I told the owner Kareena I was a writer, and just needed the tour.

She gave me a girl named Nothing, which was appropriate because that's exactly what I got. Never tell them you're anything other than a guy looking to party. After one dance upstairs for pictures, I was kicking myself, because Nothing seemed just the kind of dirty slut I always enjoy. I asked for one last photo and she seemed surprised when I stripped. Now she knows better. If you go see Nothing after reading this, tell he she still owes me one.

Kareenas02 Kareenas03 Kareenas04

KITTENs - Thursday 6.10pm

I started early, planning to get two in on one night, but maybe I had started too early. Kittens was almost deserted, apart from Pussycat, a blonde vixen in an outfit that made me realize that school session might be in. But as I tried to make small talk, she told me of how she spent her spare time in "Gorean slavery roleplay as a panther", and I thought, to hell with this shit. I had other places to be. But I tipped her before I left, so this still counts as one of the ten, in case you're counting.

Kittens02 Kittens03 Kittens04

THE BIG EASY - Thursday 10.22pm

Before going to The Big Easy, I changed into my longcoat. It was the new place in town, and I'd heard it had class. A mansion cut straight from the streets of Old N'Orleans, where boys could be boys, and girls could be bought. I was soon introduced to Taimarra, displaying a tatt with the word "Brat" and a chain with the phrase "Slut". But you know what they say - don't judge a skinmag by it's cover, but by how many of the pages stick together. And Taimarra sure knew exactly how to get a guy steaming.

By the time we'd finished, she'd had risen to the top of my pole, and the top of my list, a classy babe for whom I can give no stronger recommendation. Tell her Gideon sent you, and she may work you a deal.

As we shared a final moment, I thought again of Vanessa, of the night we'd spent together long ago and how it had fucked with my head. I decided that it was time to confront my demons. But not tonight.

Bigeasy02 Bigeasy03 Bigeasy04

SHOWGIRLS - Friday 8.11pm

I'd been dreading Showgirls, because I knew Vanessa danced there. I hoped she would be on furlough, but as I walked in, I saw her on the table, and knew I was lost. She didn't recognize me - or pretended not to - which helped, but not much. Showgirls is one of those joints where membership has its privileges, and a monthly stipend brings dividends on the back end. But I was on Scaramouch's expense account, so was ready to pay through the nose.

I passed on The Dungeon and The Jungle, so Vanessa took me to the Egyptian room, where the ancient dead looked down as she brought me alive once more, her lilting accent sticking in my throat as I stuck in hers. At one point, she berated me for taking pictures without asking, but I knew in the end, that would be all I would have left to remind me of her.

Showgirls02 Showgirls03 Showgirls04

THE RED CLUB - Saturday 11.55pm


My final night, and I still hadn't been able to shake off my night with Vanessa, so I decided to go out with a bang. More specifically, a gang bang. I hit The Red Club where I found just what I was lustinglooking for - three lovely ladies, with no-one to turn to. From left to right, that's Tawny, Starlight and JC. By the following picture, I was no longer sure who was who, navigating by taste and smell alone. And who the hell cared. For a short time, I was living the dream of Second Life - "our true intent is all for your delight".

Redroom02 Redroom03 Redroom04

And so it goes. Seven days, ten escorts. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need a decent refractory period. This is Gideon Televison, Superstar™, signing off from Second Life.

Well, this piece put quite a cathouse amongst the pigeons. If you read the earlier version of this story, you'll now see names and faces have been changed to protect the less-than-innocent. One guy contacted me - let's call him Mr Ed - fuming that one of the women was his wife, and that I'd misrepresented the little woman who, god forbid should be considered an Escort, just because she picked me up from a stage in a strip club and took my money in exchange for sex.

Ah yes, it's truly a world of fantasy.

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Had a busy week, didn't you Gideon. I'm getting that you're kinda strange. Love the reporting, though.

said Jellio on August 27, 2006 4:24 PM.

Excellent piece...the story that is.
Hmm...I thought you were such a nice guy when I originally bumped into you, having no idea as to the "lengths" you took to get this story out.
Well done...I look forward to what's next...maybe Top 10 Things to impress The Diva?
See ya 'round ;)

said The Diva on August 28, 2006 1:36 AM.

OMG! I've been waiting for an article like this--I'm so happy this got written, now I can check off a box on my list of things to see and do in Second Life!

My gratitude goes out to you for this rather digitally carnal educations--I can't say it any more clearer than the subject line!


said Torley Linden on August 28, 2006 2:00 AM.

Wow-you passed on the jungle room. That is the favorite of most of the guests at our clubs. Yes I am one of the co-owners of the club-I'm very interested to hear that Vanessa showed you a good time :). I am glad we have gotten so famous that we are featured here-we've only been open a little over a month and it's nice you took notice.

said Surfking on August 28, 2006 1:19 PM.

Umm.. curiously, you can't seem to read tags over names. The girl you hired in Amsterdam wasn't one of the Amster-dames. The Amster-dames don't even work out of Amsterdam anymore. Those are freelancers. We work out of Eros in Strokerz Sexmart. Ps.. I don't hire anyone for the Dames under 30 SL days old unless they're an alt.

Andrea Faulkner - Amster-Dames Madame

said Andrea Faulkner on August 29, 2006 6:17 AM.

Personally, I'm quite fond of the article and proud of everything in it, so I don't see why there were complaints. I think it's rather sad that it had to be re-written because some people can't take criticism; but I'm quite glad that not *every* name got changed! I can't wait to see more. :)

said Taimarra on September 1, 2006 1:56 AM.

wel geinig, maar niets boven druftz

said dotwood on September 6, 2006 10:49 AM.

I don't get it. People spend real money having virtual sex with poorly drawn cartoon characters who may or may not be men, women, or code?!

Second Life is for people without a first life. Get out of your mothers basement!

said DriveBy on September 8, 2006 3:40 PM.

Who are you calling a fucking cartoon? Listen asswipe, if you ever thought you had sex without having to pay for it one way or another, the jokes on you.

said Gideon on September 8, 2006 3:46 PM.

Guys, can we please keep this civil? Or I'll moderate the both of you. Thanks.

said Scaramouch on September 8, 2006 3:48 PM.

im getting that this guy is a dick and should not be allowed back on sl

said Mr.Ed on September 13, 2006 11:36 PM.

haha. Thats me in the picture at the Escort Alliance bottom left! Thats so cool

said Talia Peralta on October 5, 2006 12:19 AM.

You little worm. The good Doctor forgot more about the English language than you will ever know. You are the worst kind of human being: you cannot create something truly original, and so, like the simian you are, you shoddily mimic your superiors. You are a grave-robber, sir, and probably a degenerate sex pervert as well.

Do you think you honor the late Dr. Thompson's legacy with your shallow, poorly-written, adolescent review of Cartoon Pornography? Hunter Thompson stole a twelve-point rack from Hemingway's cabin. Hunter Thompson had the first fax machine in the Mountain time zone. Hunter Thompson shot his wife! BEFORE SHE MARRIED HIM!

Hunter Thompson did not spend his time roleplaying as a cartoon character on the Internet.

You make me sick. I hope you punch yourself in the balls while you are jerking off to a virtual prostitute and take yourself out of the gene pool permanently. I hope you get syphilis from a bag of Pork Rinds, you slime.

Yours in Christ,

The Duke

said The Duke on December 16, 2006 12:14 PM.

Duke - best comment I ever got. Txx.

said Gideon Television on December 16, 2006 12:19 PM.

"Who are you calling a fucking cartoon? Listen asswipe, if you ever thought you had sex without having to pay for it one way or another, the jokes on you."

Temper, temper. You know, maybe he had to pay for dinner and drinks, but at least it ended with some -real- cock in some -real- pussy. Not jerking it to pixels in your parent's basement.


said Tabula Rasa on December 16, 2006 4:08 PM.

ahahhaha i can't believe this, i so agree with taht other guy, second life should be called first life to some people, i mean having sex with such horrible looking graphics, and plus THAT COULD BE A GUY!! get a life, get a girlfriend, move out of your mom's house, and quit spending money to have sex with with FUCKING cartoons

said V on December 17, 2006 12:00 PM.

My parents died about the same time as our basement burned to the ground in an unsolved incident of suspected arson, the same night I caught Dad in the coal bunker with my little sister Joannie - but I digress.

it seems to me the real test of whether you may be still living with your parents is not if you are having virtual sex, it's whether or not you understand the concept of FUCKING IRONY.

Thank you.

said Gideon Television on December 17, 2006 1:13 PM.


said Satan on December 19, 2006 11:44 PM.

haha stupid nubs

said crackakilla on December 28, 2006 11:37 PM.

Syphilis is treatable but it's an awful disease. I could link to photos but they're a bit gruesome for a family show like this. WBR LeoP

said World Health on March 16, 2007 3:35 AM.

thanks for 'outing' what SL is really all about. A (female) friend of mine loves it, and seems to have loads of friends, but joined with the intent from day 1 of having a virtual sex life. I have tried it a few times, as I was curious and regularly enjoy text-based chat. I have found it stuffed with ads for porn-type sex but virtually no chat seems to happen. There's a couple of articles I've found so far that frankly admit if you took the sex out of second life there wouldn't be much left.
Each to their own....

said SpamBot on April 30, 2007 1:26 PM.

If you're having SL sex without text then you're not fucking escorts. We all give great chat to go with the visuals. Furthermore, if you are horrible graphics, then once again you're not spending your money. I have a 4000L skin that's photoreal.

Heathery Boa

said heathery boa on May 7, 2007 2:17 PM.

This is so stupid. Is this really the only thing in the world you could write about?

This is gonzo journalism for the muppet babies set.

said Adam on May 8, 2007 2:37 PM.

I can't have sex in real life so my second life is where I enjoy life to the fullest

said Gently Dibou on June 1, 2007 3:30 PM.

Careful with one escort, called AshleyT25Bekkers.

Claims she does cam for 1500, then once u paid u need to pay extrax for everything. Complete ripp off

said Harry on June 10, 2007 6:08 AM.

first off, if you want to be a journalist, you should take an english course ... "... it's first gonzo journalist ..." -- "it's" in this sentence refers to second life and should be "its" ... "it's" is a contraction of "it is" ...

secondly, you are not a gonzo journalist, you do not write in a gonzo style so stop muddying the legend of hunter s. thompson by claiming to be one ... you are not ... you are the poor man's kathy lee gifford if anything ...

said cormac on June 13, 2007 10:47 AM.

Everyone's a fucking critc. You guys fight amongst yourselves. Me, I'm too busy holding court at the Playboy grotto.

said Gideon Television on June 13, 2007 10:56 AM.

It's a bit hypocrital that people are on here saying that people on SL or having cyber sex on SL do not have a real life.

If these hypocrits have a real life, why are they taking their time to be online commenting on an article they just read about someone else's second life? It seems a bit ironic to me...

said Ms critic on September 14, 2007 10:04 PM.

You guys are losers. Seriously.

said Wes on September 29, 2007 3:44 PM.

Excuse me, but who the fuck are you to judge anyone for being an escort or one who partakes of the particular pleasures that escorts can offer? Sex sells, no matter where, how, or why it is sold. It is also the oldest and most honorable profession on earth. It takes balls of titanium the size of grapefruits to expose oneself the way these ladies do, especially if they provide services that bleed into their real lives like Cam shows or Voice sex. I don't care whether or not you respect me, the story, the journalist, the escorts or the clubs, but respect yourself enough to keep your distaste of something you know nothing about, care nothing about, or have not experienced to yourself. You're just making yourself look a fool by acting more your shoe-size than your age. STFU, GTFO and JFBM.

said toy.of.shadow on September 8, 2009 12:23 PM.
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