Achtung!

Cocaine is a very nasty drug. Snorting massive amounts can kill you.
And, as one Dominican Republic man discovered, it can cause an irreversible erection.

Luis Rodriguez's cocaine addiction has cause a 27-day erection.
Veintisiete!
One day more and he may have changed his name to February.

In case you're not sure, a 27-day hard-on is very bad. Luis has been order to quit coke or risk his penis rotting off. Doctors may need to operate and amputate his manhood. (Talk about a kick in the balls.)

Well, now we all understand why those Viagra and Levitra ads are so concerned about calling a doctor when an erection lasts longer than 4 hours. 4, that's nothing.

Via Mirror

Shots of vodka in the eye. This is what the young drinkers are doing for fun these days.

Thankfully, they're also posting these videos so we can all share in their stupidity. I've posted a handful of them for your viewing pleasure.

Thanks kids!
On a related note, my eye doctor is thrilled.

This could be the real thing, or just a training video for citizens on patrol. But it clearly shows that when it comes to purse snatchers, you can take justice into your own hands.

So watch the action unfold as two crooks on the motorcycle try to steal a woman's purse. Then, the entire neighborhood comes to her defense with a major beat down. The bad guys may have weapons, but that's not going to stop the angry mob.

This video has no sound, but I think you've seen enough action movies to add your own to the melee.

Enjoy a collection of funny, odd, obviously and inappropriate news headlines and clips.

Some you may have seen, some maybe not. But it's a perfect Friday time waster.

Thanks to our UK friend Pete for supplying most of these.

Boing!

Should those lap dances, pole dances and porn purchases be taxed? These Albany, NY strippers think it's a good idea.

Today, they held a press conference to advocate taxing their profession to help raise money for school kids.

You know, because it's time strippers gave back to their communities and helped the State close the budget gap. One grind at a time.

While some think taxing you for your pleasure is a good idea, the Governor of NY (a man who is more a fan of adultery) says a "stripper pole tax is not under consideration in any way, shape or form."

Makes an interesting publicity stunt though.
Take it away NBC....

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

From the YBNBY desk of Holy Cow

In 2008, God was arrested.

Now his only son has been run down in Massachusetts by a 20-year-old woman.

Police say a Pittsfield woman has been cited for running down a man named Lord Jesus Christ as he crossed a street in Northampton on Tuesday.

But as a surprise to all good Christians everywhere, the 50-year-old Lord Jesus Christhails not from Bethlehem, or even Bethlehem, PA, but from Belchertown, MA.

And yes, officers checked and his legal ID confirms the official name Lord Jesus Christ.

Thankfully, the Lord Jesus was only slightly injured. He was taken to the hospital for treatment of minor facial injuries.

Thanks NPR

I was really hoping to label this one "Connecticut News" but, unfortunately, the wackiness of my homestate has it's own share of troubles today. So instead, we move down south to Memphis where (hold on while I reread this to make sure I'm getting it right) a mother called the cops on her son for stealing drugs from her bra. According to this story from Yahoo! News:

The mother, whose name police didn't release, told officer she awakened before dawn to find her son filching Xanax from her bra, where she kept it to prevent him from stealing it.

There are many things wrong with this story.

1. Hiding your drugs in your underwear is one thing, but wouldn't it have been better to keep it locked up in a safe? You can buy them rather cheap these days.
2. Dude, it's your mom. Thinking about reaching between my mom's (see... now I'm already gagging) "upper chest region" makes me want to gouge my eyes out. No matter how much you'd like to get rid of your anxiety by Xanax, you'll find yourself with years more trouble attempting to get that ... feeling ... out of your head.
3. The cops? Calling the cops on your OWN son? For stealing drugs? From your bra? Woah. You must really love your pharmaceuticals or truly want to embarrass your son.

And.... scene!

From The ... Who are we kidding, there is no department for police officers with enhanced wangs. I'll double-check with Echo, but I think this is an anomaly.

JAKARTA - If you have participated in the traditional stretching of your man junk with a heavy "penis gourd" (pictured at left), and want to be a cop, you can pack in your fruit and two veg and go home.

You will be considered "unfit for duty." This engorged manhood ritual, practiced by remote easternmost province, home to Papuan tribes is thought to be a "hindrance during training." All that swinging about could really slow a copper down as he chases down a sex trafficker.

Locals Papuans also use a local technique to achieve the enlargement, according to a sexologist quoted by local newspaper Jakarta Globe, wrapping the penis with leaves from the "gatal-gatal" (itchy) tree so that it swells up "like it has been stung by a bee,"

This is ding dong and balls discrimination! Something must be done! What if a gentleman who has has his dangler stretched like silly putty is an Indonesian Robocop? What then? Then crime runs rampant and the Supercop that is dragging his stretched genitalia behind him is not going to be available to stop crime.

This sounds like a job for Bill Clinton. United States Naughty Spot Ambassador. Fire up the phallic-shaped jet and plot a course for Indonesia! God Speed Willie! Justice must prevail!

Everyone wants to blame someone or something for everything that goes wrong. Mother Nature does her thing and we look for a scapegoat to make ourselves feel better, because random destruction is scary. A Muslim cleric in Iran put the blame for recent earthquakes squarely on women.

"Many women who do not dress modestly ... lead young men astray, corrupt their chastity and spread adultery in society, which (consequently) increases earthquakes," Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi was quoted as saying by Iranian media. Sedighi is Tehran's acting Friday prayer leader.

There's no doubt that a provocatively-dressed woman can make the earth move, but that usually happens to only one guy at a time. You can't put the destruction in Haiti, Chile, and the rest of the world on our shoulders. First off, we are NOT experiencing a rash of earthquakes. The frequency of higher magnitude tremors has actually decreased over the past few years.

Second, we have been dressing in a manner that would twirl Sedighi's hair for centuries, and earthquakes occurred before we existed and still do in various parts of the earth where modesty is measured with different sticks. So to speak. Jen McCreight came up with the idea of performing a scientific experiment to test Sedighi's assertion.

Keep reading to see how YOU can participate.

From YBNBY The Hell is Freezing Over Desk...

The Library of Congress, that hallowed facility which serves as a cathedral to the written word, a pillar of the arts, a holy place for scholars, is welcoming a retarded step brother who is deaf, dumb and blind (but can still play a mean pinball) into it's halls.

It has been announced that alongside the Guttenberg Bible, a rough draft of the Declaration of Independence, and the words of Shakepeare, Proust and Yeats, will be an archive of TWITTER MESSAGES.

In an extraordinary agreement with Twitter's founders, the Library of Congress - the world's largest library and America's oldest federal institution - is to create a digital archive of the several billion tweets publicly posted on the social networking site since its inception in 2006.

This makes perfect sense. While you are looking for the right Walt Whitman poem for your research paper, you can cross-reference the work with Paris Hilton's tweet "club is poppin 4 real. LOL." Everything is relative. You can quote the Greek poet Aeschylus and the American waste of platelets Heidi Montag without leaving the building. "OMG, pinkberry is so nummy!!!!!!!" That was the new plastic Heidi, not Aeschylus.

The fact that we are becoming more stupid just keeps getting driven home with a sledgehammer.

Fill up the shark tank, rev up the motorboat, put Fonzie in waterskis and tell him he and The Library of Congress is on in five.

Citizens! Beware of fireballs zooming through the night sky!

Just a week after a video reportedly showed British fighter jets chasing down E.T. and Alf, comes this strange footage. Over the skies of the American Heartland is what appears to be a menacing fireball of death.

The anomaly was seen for about 15 minutes and reportedly caused a bit of an uproar. Eyewitnesses say the Fireball of Death exploded, breaking apart to many pieces.

"Experts" say the lights are merely a large meteorite. But you, me, and Fox Mulder know better. Authorities might as well have said the lights were swamp gas.

Watch the skies...

Zoinks!

A 51-year-old Tampa woman is recovering after driving her car onto a sidewalk and hitting a building.

The woman told police she passed out shortly before destroying the front entrance of the Imercy Beauty Salon and flipping her car.

The car came to rest on its roof, and under this billboard.

How appropriate.

Via Tampa Connect

Monkey News!

In order to improve relations with Muslim separatists, Thai police are bringing out the big guns. Wait, I mean no guns. They're bringing out the monkey.

A five-year-old pig-tailed macaque has been hired by a Thai police force to help with the workload. The monkey - named Santisuk, which means peace in Thai - was first hired to collect fruit. The monkey was such a good worker, he received a promotion. A bump to Peace Ambassador.

The monkey also helps supervise a police checkpoint and his boss says he has made it a much happier place. Motorists now stop to play with Santisuk, rather than getting angry at the hold-up.

This is how we quell dangerous and murderous religious extremists. Monkeys.

America! It is now time to stop the discrimination and start hiring monkey task forces. If not now, when? The monkeys are ready to bring peace to Earth.

Just as we always thought they would...

Look at that beast. Apparently it is real, she is a giant isopod measuring 27-feet-long. I think. Not so good with the numbers. 27 feet is a guesstimation. But an educated one. These things are coming to get us.

On Reddit, one man wrote "I work for a Sub-sea Survey Company, recently this beast came up attached to one of our ROVs." I cross-referenced that testimony with Ray Harryhausen's upcoming book "An Animated Life." Story seems to check out.

Heads up, coastal towns, giant 27-foot isopods are coming out of the ocean depths to eat your brain and gain your knowledge. Then there's no stopping them.

See full size photos of this thing here and here. Then sing yourself a sea shanty and try to fall asleep.

Normally we'd treat Fox News the same way we treat The Family Circus. It doesn't make much sense, it's mostly cute and it panders to middle-America. But I think with this article, they've really touched on something.

Ladies and Gentlemen, terrorists may use explosives hidden in breast implants to blow up airplanes.

That's strange, because normally breast implants cause explosions in my pants. (Rim shot) According to this well-researched and obviously hands-on report:

Female homicide bombers are being fitted with exploding breast implants which are almost impossible to detect, British spies have reportedly discovered.

The shocking new Al Qaeda tactic involves radical doctors inserting the explosives in women's breasts during plastic surgery -- making them "virtually impossible to detect by the usual airport scanning machines."

Here's what I propose, and I do this only for the safety of my fellow citizens - let me patrol the airports and exam each woman for potential explosives hidden in their breasts. I promise to be incredibly thorough. I'd be doing it for America.

(Via OperaNow!)