Dateline: Portugal

A 22-year-old former Disney corporation science experiment has been caught attempting to rob a Portuguese grocery store. The young man is the result of a secret project to create a man and toon hybrid. It was initially thought the Men/Toons would be a benefit to the CIA because they can jump off a cliff, smack the ground at terminal velocity, walk away like an accordion and be fine in ten minutes; ready for another mission.

However, the creators of the project did not foresee a Man/Toon revolt. The hybrids didn't want to go after terrorist cells. They wanted to fly away to Neverland and hit each other in the mug with banana cream pies. As a result, the Man/Toons simply smushed themselves thin as a board and slid out between the bars of their cells. Jailbreak! They are now on the lam.

The gentleman in the video above, a crossbreed of a Romanian and a rumbly, tumbly silly old bear had made it Portugal. He just wanted to eat some freaking honey. Man/Pooh smelled the delicious bee-byproduct in the corner shop. There was a tiny window he thought he could squeeze through. He had to go for it. But, wouldn't you know it, victim to Pooh's natural tendencies, he got stuck. Police soon arrived and Man/Pooh was taken into custody.

A shame. A damn shame.

You know, I may not have all the details of this right. I'm pretty close. Within the margin of error.

Equal parts hilarious and pathetic, Tampa resident Joshua Vasso called 911 for phone sex because he'd run out of cell phone minutes. It's people like these who make me feel better about my collection of macaroni collages in the shape of Ed Asner.

(Via Nerdist)

Let's take a look at the news stories from the past week that I couldn't post at any other site.

Pole Dancers on Wheels

A new Las Vegas advertising scheme takes a page from the bookmobile idea. Deja Vu Nightclub takes a mobile unit around town featuring pole dancers inside, performing behind glass from 10PM to 2AM. Although the dancers wear underwear, some people are complaining that the advertising is not appropriate for the streets where children are sometimes present. Link has video.

A Man to Satisfy Her

A woman with a medical condition that gives her 300 orgasms a day has found the man of her dreams. Michelle Thompson has Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome. She had a string of boyfriends, but always felt that she was too demanding for any one man. Now she's found happiness with a divorced neighbor, 32-year-old Andrew Carr of Nelson, Lancashire, England. Thompson says they make love ten times a day and she is very happy. No word on whether they do anything else.

Scientists have discovered that more than two-thirds of female short-nosed fruit bats perform oral sex on their male partners.

The female bats that gave their lovers a generous head start were rewarded with longer love making sessions. The sonar-aided chicks also continued the act during mating. Flexibility is apparently very big in the bat community.

Before this, the only animals other than humans known to perform oral sex were hilarious bonobo chimpanzees. Researchers once thought a lioness was about to perform oral sex on a male lion, but she just bit his wanger off. Didn't really count. When asked about this revelation,

Frans de Waal, a primatologist at Emory University in Atlanta and an expert on bonobo chimpanzees, said: "The finding of fellatio in bats is exciting news."

What a weirdo.

As of press time, there are no confirmations of the animal urban legends of raccoon reach-arounds or antelope autoerotic asphyxiation.

The unemployment rate in America has reached 10% for the first time in decades.
Fuck!

If you are one of those unfortunate folks in the 10% bracket, I wish you luck in your search for gainful employment. I've been there, it sucks. But everyone's expendable these days, "aside from the guy with the thickest shaft in the porn industry."

So keep your head up. Don't give up. Chances are, the reason you were let go has more to do with a bad decision someone with a C-level title made. Not you.

But I digress.
While you are out of work, why not use that time for something constructive. Be an extra on a film set. Comment in our forum. Or try one of the other 10 Things to Do If You Become Unemployed.

It happened in Dayton, Ohio in June. And this guy was there with his camera and commentary right afterward.

(via Bits and Pieces)

In "newly discovered journals," historians have found records that American president Abraham Lincoln embarked on an exhibition to hunt and kill the legendary sasquatch.

In 1937, Lincoln searched in uncharted areas of the Western United States determined to find the ape man he had been told about by a Native American medicine man named "Darting Ferret."

Lincoln and his hunting party tracked the beast through the Northwestern wilderness, coming so close as to smell the horrific acrid odor of the animal. In his journal, Lincoln wrote, "It smelled like a cross between the stump end of a wooden leg and the devil himself if he were prone to vapors."

The group saw the apeman below while they perched on a hillside. The animal "had the hair of a bear, but the shape of a man." Lincoln, impetuous and never shying from a fight, charged the Bigfoot. Overpowered by the strength of Sasquatch, Lincoln was pinned down and at the creature's mercy.

Bigfoot only examined and smelled Lincoln. Then had mercy on Abe and walked into the woods. Never to be seen again. Both legends, Sasquatch's and Abraham Lincoln's have continued to grow.

(Thank you Monkey Goggles for the good laugh.)

It's an old story. Husband comes home early, wife panics, her naked lover jumps out the window to hide. You usually see this in comic form. In the case of 25-year-old Sun Meng, the window was on the second floor of a large apartment building in Chengdu, China, a city of 11 million people. A neighbor snapped a picture, which was uploaded to a community internet site, and Sun's life changed immediately.

"My family is ashamed and none of my own neighbours will talk to me any more," said Sun.

"I know what I did was wrong but I was afraid he would kill me.

"People are even laughing at how I look naked - but I have to point out it was a very cold day," he added.

Cold day, huh? Likely story. I blame sheer terror.

This is NOT someone dressed as Nadya Suleman, better known as Octomom. This IS Nadya Suleman and her babies dressed for Halloween fun. She's a knocked-up nun and the octuplets are little devils. Apparently they trick-or-treat early in La Habra, California.

As if the wealthy didn't have enough going for them already, what with their llama farms and chocolate covered Tic-Tacs, they've now figured out a way to be taller than the rest of us. Specifically, several parents from The Dalton School here in New York City have purchased human growth hormones from doctors to, as one parent said, "give [their children] a chance to achieve [their] growth potential." According to this article from the New York Post, growth hormones are easy to get and can cost $2,400/month to help these tiny millionaires gain a few inches on the competition.

Little Falcon Heene and his brothers made this video for Wife Swap last spring. You really can't understand what they're singing, but you can probably get some idea of what image they are trying to project. Oh, yeah, I understood the beans part. I taught that one to my own kids, but also admonished them that ladies don't sing such things in mixed company. They weren't quite so confident in their appearances last night on Larry King Live when Falcon goofed his lines and on The Today Show AND Good Morning America when Falcon blew chunks. Mr. and Mrs. Heene, please enjoy the rest of your 15 minutes. Then let the kids be normal for a while, OK?

These 10 kiwi cougars are the New World Master Netters.

Well, that's their new name. The name they wanted to be called was the Master Baiters.

Unfortunately, officials at the Sydney World Masters Games thought a team of Master Baiters would be quite inappropriate for an international sports competition.

And here's why:
Master Baiters implies that this team of 40+ ladies is really good at catching Whitebait. A sweet and tender fish that is very popular in New Zealand.

It's true.

The reference to whitebaiting, or fishing for whitebait, was just too much for the 2009 Sydney World Masters. Plus, officials feared Master Baiters "might have a bit of a double meaning if it was pronounced wrong."

Well, good on ya Sydney World Masters Games officials. Everyone at yesbutnobutyes.com is glad these former Master Baiters will have to play by the proper rules of engagement.

The other teams might not have enjoyed playing with a bunch of professional women Master Baiters. But now, they just might.

via The Press.

Why doesn't the AP write headlines like that? That's an ace...

Recently there was an assassination attempt on members of the Saudi royal family. Terrorist and major asshole Abdullah Hassan al-Asiri was able to evade many security checks and get right next to a Saudi Prince. The device was exploded remotely. The Prince survived the attack.

How did the dickhead Hassan al-Asiri get his bomb through security? By cramming a pound of explosives up his rectum. Seriously. This joker shoved a bomb up his behoolah.

Now there are security measures in airports to make sure a similar attempt is not made. Save the day TSA! We have confidence in your abilities high school dropouts that couldn't become mail carriers!



There are unconfirmed reports that Hassan al-Asiri will be posthumously awarded the Guinness World Record for "Most Idiotic Suppository."

From The Sports/Phallic Symbols Desk...

Those rascals with the paint have struck again in the cloak of night.

In Weston-super-Mare, Somerset, England, home of the mighty Worle Football Club, pranksters have made their way onto the pitch and proceeded to draw a huge fruit and two veg. Right on the field. Come on lads, that is really inappropriate/hilarious.

Team officials believe the culprits are jealous players from another club. Or ... teenage boys that think the funniest thing in the world is a 45 foot wanger and giant balls painted at midfield.

One wonders if Scotland Yard has a division to look into this after the great 60 Foot Wiener On the Roof Incident of 2009. Apparently, it's an epidemic.

If you're like me, then you're constantly frustrated with the slowness of fast food.
(Damn, I still have to wait in line for a McDLT and a Fresca!)

One alternative is to frequent the local hot dog vendor. It's more convenient, but the antibiotics required to survive eating those dirty water dogs every day is expensive.

If only there was a mobile, one-man, sausage grilling machine that could feed impatient, hungry folks like me.

Something that could feed the masses, yet still out run the health inspector.

Holy crap, my prayers have been answered.

This ultimate food-on-the-go solution is called GrillWalker. The craziest idea to come out of Germany since the dog toilet.

There are a bunch of these roving bratwurst sellers cooking up fresh brats around Berlin right now. At just $1.75 for a brat, roll and condiment, they're selling quite well. The inventor, Bertram Rohloff, is expanding GrillWalker to other cities around Germany. And he sold his equipment to likeminded brat folks in Bulgaria, Colombia, South Korea and Nebraska.

New York, Chicago and Boston can't be far behind. Neither could my next coronary!

At least we all know how they go to the bathroom.

via NY Times