By now you've all heard about Johnny's attempt to create a sex tape. The fact is: he's already created one - and it's horrible. Viewing it would turn you to stone or melt your face off. Trust me when I say it's this year's 2 Girls 1 Cup, only with less girls and cups and more farm animals. In fact, you'd get a close approximation of what it looks like were you to watch two manatees humping at Sea World. Lucky for you, I phoned this one in recreated my reaction upon viewing said video. (Hint: it did not go well)

"We make war that we may live in peace."
Aristotle

I wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of this cannon blast. Run for the hills, Echowood. And I would pack along a certain furry friend. May be a solid plan to place that varmint into kitty protective custody.

We also have a frank discussion on my plan to insure public favor in this endeavor. The "leak" of a certain kind of video. You know what I'm talking about. You're picking up what I'm putting down. Maybe I need to create a crime scene to claim the tape was stolen. I love that explanation. "I don't know how this happened. We set the tape that was marked in Sharpie ALMOST FAMOUS PEOPLE HAVE INTERCOURSE on the picket fence of The Ivy and wouldn't you know, someone stole it! Just what we didn't want to happen. Oh man, we and our publicists can't believe this. The DVD is $19.95. We sure hope this doesn't backfire and get us a reality show on VH1."

Now, onto Adam.

Ready ... Aim ...



This can't miss...

Revelations. It's all about revelations on this week's episode of 1.5 Chords & the Truth. Specifically, revelations about Johnny and his sordid past. As some of you know, Johnny and I were roommates for a year. (Non sexual) And in that time, a few things came to light that were shocking. Horrifying actually. Bits of information that lead me to contact the FBI and look into the witness protection program.

Much like we did on last week's episode, this week's features an Explosion of the Week. Bring it on.

We all saw Adam's pathetic attempt at a solo record. The opening was so gay, he could have slipped in the volleyball scene from Top Gun and nobody would have batted an eye. "Perfectly on theme," they'd say. My opening is little more, shall we say, in the awesome category. Not something that could appear as a montage in High School Musical 7.

So here's an update from The Emerald City.



I really do need a theremin.

I'm breaking my silence. I may get kicked out of several writer's unions, the State of New York, and my dinner club for posting this, but it needed to be done. Johnny decided to take matters into his own hands, fly to the West Coast, and film his own 3 Chords & the Truth without telling me. Well kids, I'm here to tell you - this shit just got real.

I've put together my own show, appropriately titled 1.5 Chords & the Truth with Echowood which will, no doubt, rapidly climb to the top of the YouTube viewing charts. So while Johnny hires actors to portray his "family," I'll be bringing you hard-hitting interviews. Let the games begin.

Oh, and Ivo ... you're treading on some thin ice my friend. Don't think I haven't noticed your insolence over the past month.

From The Emerald City...

For this special edition of 3 Chords & the Truth, I am joined by my rascally nephews. These lads have surprising insight on the virtues of Halloween. What they love may surprise you. Especially since they are my blood.

Also, since they are Wright's they give you all a rather cheeky sendoff. I have no idea where they learn this sort of behavior.



Happy Halloween.

Go set a bag of dog boom-boom ablaze on a cranky old guy's porch. You know, celebrate in style. And class.

Hey kids. What's the rumpus? Panic on the streets of Grammercy! That's was the rumpus. I was involved in bit of a scuffle recently on 23rd Street. A real donnybrook was going down and I stepped in to mange the carnage. No big deal. I'm just a concerned citizen. Like Bruce Wayne minus the butler and gay sidekick.

Here's what happened. I was walking down the road, minding my own, listening to something like this on the earbuds. I was mellow. Reflective. Not ready to throw down. But then came a running high-as-a-Lohan-sister nut-job running down 23rd, causing havoc, attacking civilians. Something had to be done.

Alright, punk ... I pressed pause on my iPod and cracked my knuckles. Let's do this.



"My writing is nothing, my boxing is everything."
Papa Hemingway

I received the following e-mail from Echowood today:

Dude-
If you have a few minutes, can you write up our latest 3 Chords & the Truth. Thanks!
Echo

So here goes my best description of this 3 Chords & the Truth. Johnny, with a sweet 70's style mustache, and Echowood, getting more and more intoxicated, give the best possible explanation on the healthcare debate two people in their conditions can muster. Also, keen observers will notice this is the very first 3 Chords & the Truth to be broadcast in sweet succulent high-definition. So grab the kids, call the neighbors, and crank those puppies up to 1080i because trust me, you want to see every single piece of dandruff on Echowood's shoulders.
Shit, I still have room. Because I know Johnny would want me too, here are some links to the random mentions they make in the video.

• Raymond Chandler
• Sheep's Meadow
• Chastity Bono
• Public Option

The weather is turning. As I was out for a walk early this morning I saw my breath. A good sign. Fall is almost here.

As a swan song to the sticky summer, we bring you a tale of a dope that can't sleep, a suspected drug addict/salesman, and a mysterious air conditioner. It's a rip-roaring weird and wonderful Manhattan yarn. We did this one about 6 weeks ago and forgot about it, but the story still stands. A little goodbye to the heat and to my sweaty misery.

Then Adam and I discuss what is the worst thing ever witnessed on the streets of New York. They are both awful. And amazing. And ... awful.



"Buy the ticket. Take the ride."

Oh, friends do we have a treat for you. Our former boss David Letterman has been in the news for some stuff. Little did we know, that these revelations of infidelity were going to push more stories to the surface. Like a sebaceous cyst being extracted on YouTube. It's just as messy and stinky.

We too, were "victims" of Mr. Letterman's sexual prowess. We were abused. Seduced. But gently loved. You won't believe the stories. (For good reason...)



We hope you will also celebrate The Return of the Stache! Ironically creeping out the kids since 2005!

This episode was taped at near the Conservatory Water in our beloved Central Park. If you're in town and have your model sailboat, come on down to the Conservatory Water. We'd love to have you.

After a couple feel-good, Baierman-centric mailbag episodes, it's time for a good old fashioned 3 Chords & the Truth rant.

For this childish episode, I let DJ's have it with both barrels. I hate DJ's. Hate them. Nobody enjoys what they do as much as they do. It's like cheerleading. The only people getting excited are the cheerleaders themselves. Fair warning, I'm fired up in this one. Adam humors me while I shoot out my theory there is no such thing as a good remix. It's an oxymoron. Like jumbo shrimp or reality television. We also give a plug to The Pieces of Eight Shop at Disneyland.



Adam mocks my Tibetan skull necklace that I purchased from an old refugee at a Greenwich Village street-fair. Why he would mock the poor and oppressed people of Tibet is beyond me. It's a beautiful culture. Not cool. Free Tibet Echowood!

As the light fades in Thompkins Square Park, we continue the viewer mailbag (Part 1) from a place we thought had better lighting. Turns out there's just more rats.

Then we attempt to answer a question which has been discussed in YBNBY Forums for a while; douchebags and the origins of douchebaggery.

Plus, I admit to an embarrassing metrosexual transgression. And Johnny learns something new thing about Echowood.

This 3 Chords has a little something for everybody. Just press play.

From a rapidly darkening Thompkins Square Park, Johnny and Echowood, along with special guest star Baierman bring you part 1 of The 3 Chords & the Truth Mailbag. We discuss the New York City rat population, Serena Williams' blow up, and a host of other questions.

We answer more questions on next week's episode, so stay tuned.

Adam and I have a couple 3 Chords & the Truth episodes already in the can. They are currently at the post-production facility getting remastered, adding special effects and dubbing my voice. Yeah, you hear my raspy baritone in each episode, but without the overdub from a professional voice artist, I sound like Mike Tyson tickling Kerri Strug.

Next week, we will be joined by fan-favorite Baierman to shoot a couple more episodes. A man who is equally loved by young co-eds and old felons.

We would like to do another mailbag episode or three. So, if you have a question for us to answer wrong and stupidly, a topic you would like discussed or a story you would like to hear, pop them in the comments. We'll have Raoul print them out and do our best not to botch the lot of them.

Have a good weekend.

While my guitar gently weeps,

JW

At this point we should offer an apology. Having done 20 episodes of 3 Chords means we've wasted a lot of your time. Instead of building houses for poor people, reading your children a story, or shaving your back, you chose to spend 20 episodes with us. I'd like to say that we saved a special and enlightening episode for number 20, but we didn't. We didn't even come close.

From a super-secret underground bunker, Johnny and Adam discuss their run in with a woman in distress and how their actions defined who they were as people. They also roll around on chairs.