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While The Cat's Away... Part II
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A few years ago, my girlfriend spent a month working in Seattle. She asked me to take care of her plants and bring in her mail - which I did. But it also gave me a chance to get back at her for leaving me for a month. I did some bad things to her apartment. Some really bad things. She didn't speak to me for a few weeks after that. She eventually got over it because I have a huge penis and I'm fun at parties.

She was out in Las Vegas a few weeks ago, and then spent some time in Washington, DC. Now she's in the Dominican Republic without me because I have a real job and can't just fly off to exotic locales on a whim. And once again, she asked me to look after her apartment. And I did. These were the results.

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First, she asked me to water her plants. But seeing as I have trouble tying my own shoes, I'm not sure how she figured I'd be able to take care of three living creatures. As you can see from the photo above, that aloe plant is looking hurt. It must be due to all the vodka I was feeding it. Whoops.

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She's always reading which pisses me off because she uses big words like "rhinoceros." So I went through a few books she had on her bookshelves and cut out the last few pages. That'll teach her to get smart.

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She has a closet full of shoes, which means I have no storage for the cured meats I like to eat after we bone. So a few matches and some gasoline took care of 8 or 9 pairs.

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Periods are gross. So are all the feminine accouterments chicks keep in their bathrooms. I don't understand them, and what do I do when I don't understand something? I mock it. Boom... tampons in my nose.

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I get uncomfortable watching porn in my apartment because my cat stares at me. And they won't let me watch it on the subway anymore. So I ordered 100% MILF Mania 3 on my girlfriend's dime and I'll just blame it on the cleaning woman.

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She has a great laptop, and none of the keys have (had) sticky stuff on them. So once MILF Mania was done, I found some sweet chick on chick action.

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Unfortunately, the porn wasn't cutting it, so I managed to jerk the skin blimp to a picture of her sitting on her grandfather's lap. Nothing gets me hotter than thinking about my girlfriend getting all freaky with an old dude that shares a lot of her same DNA. If you can't keep it in your pants, keep it in the family.

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While I was "down there" I noticed the ol' beave weave was getting a bit long. So I used the scissors she uses in the kitchen to clear cut the jungle.

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I had some excess, so like Johnny Appleseed I set out to sprinkle the apartment with some keepsakes. In this photo, I'm giving her silverware a little essence of Echowood.

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And also her underwear drawer.

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And the teddy bear her father gave her when she was born.

The End.
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10 Comments

When people ask me why I'm closing down YBNBY, I'll just show them this article.

said Scaramouch on May 19, 2010 10:14 AM.

Disagree.

Echowood - brilliance, once again. Part 2 bests part one.

said Baierman on May 19, 2010 10:19 AM.

So in what pattern did you man-scape yourself?

said JediJeff on May 19, 2010 10:27 AM.

This is funny sick stuff. I get the feeling, for more than the obvious reason, there will be no "Part Trois".

said Ben Lurkin on May 19, 2010 10:41 AM.

I think I might throw up.

said Cindy on May 19, 2010 12:48 PM.

This one's gonna be a hit with the ladies. I can tell.

said E on May 19, 2010 2:37 PM.

What? No naked time under the sheets?

said Bigus Dickus on May 19, 2010 2:55 PM.

That's what I was gonna ask, BD... I think Echo wanted to walk on a safe path this time, once everyone thought the queerish bed clothes were his...

said Leonardo Carvalho on May 19, 2010 3:22 PM.

I didn't get naked because I was afraid my ass crickets would escape into her sheets.

said Echowood on May 19, 2010 5:33 PM.

Thanks a lot Echowood. This made me laugh so hard at work my coworkers now think I'm a crazy lady.

said Evangeline on May 19, 2010 10:09 PM.
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