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The Goatee: The Official Facial Hair of Guys Working Through Some Shit
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As of today, the goatee (or, more correctly, the "van-dyke") is the official facial hair of guys trying to hide something. I'll admit, I grew a goatee once, but only as a direct result of my girlfriend leaving me for another woman and moving to Tijuana. We've taken a look at several celebrities (or notable people) who rocked this chin hair design when going through certain changes in their lives.

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Person: Sylvester Stallone
Shit He's Working Through: Being old.
Sly is 63 years old, which means it's biologically impossible for him to have that dark of facial hair. Plus, it looks as if it's been painted on to match the rest of his tightened face. Growing old gracefully doesn't apply to Rambo.

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Person: Tiger Woods
Shit He's Working Through: Cheating on his insanely hot wife with trash from Applebees.
Tiger has taken his share of punches these last few months. But rocking the facial hair makes him look more and more like the creepy uncle who offers the kids at the family reunion "pony rides."

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Person: Scott Peterson
Shit He's Working Through: Killing his wife and their unborn baby. Also being a total dick.
After Peterson was convicted of killing his wife and their unborn child, sinking the bodies, lying to police, and having an affair - women still sent him letters wanting to marry him in prison. Peterson's use of the goatee (and hair dye) was used when he tried to skip town - knowing his arrest was imminent.

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Person: Mark McGwire
Shit He's Working Through: Having his nuts shrunk by steroids
Sure, the goatee is one thing, but his addition of glasses during the illegal substance in baseball hearings was a great touch. Nothing says "I'm innocent" like strapping on a pair of goggles that barely reach around the Truman Show-esque dome of the juice-increased head you're sporting.

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Person: Michael Jackson
Shit He's Working Through: Not releasing a good album since "Bad." Also being blamed for and/or actually molesting children.
For someone so concerned with the appearance of his face, you'd assume he would have realized this wasn't the best look. But, as the old adage goes, there's just no reasoning with a man who owns a llama as a pet.

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Person: Nic Cage
Shit He's Working Through: Being addicted to buying houses and the subsequent bankruptcy that brings.
Nic named his kid "Kal-El" after Superman's real* name. So we can't expect his facial hair decisions to be well thought out either.

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Person: Chad Kroeger
Shit He's Working Through: Being the lead signer of Nickelback.
He wrote this song. If I were him, I'd want to hide my face as well.

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Person: Jesse James
Shit He's Working Through: Cheating on, quite possibly, the most likable woman in Hollywood with a "tattoo model" who uses a rhyming scheme in her name.
Jesse claims his great-great-grandfather was the famous outlaw's cousin. So that'd be like me naming my kid "Giant Penis, III" - it may be accurate, but no one really cares. Jesse wears his chin design proudly as if to emphasize how much of a badass he is, despite marrying a woman who starred in a movie called "Hope Floats."

*Superman is not, in fact, real.
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2 Comments

I still prefer the term "prison pussy"

said Mr. Brightside on April 30, 2010 1:14 PM.

the link for Chad Kroeger of Nickelback goes to a removed video on youtube. what is the song?

said GR8_1 on March 27, 2011 4:14 PM.
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