Monkey News!

In order to improve relations with Muslim separatists, Thai police are bringing out the big guns. Wait, I mean no guns. They're bringing out the monkey.

A five-year-old pig-tailed macaque has been hired by a Thai police force to help with the workload. The monkey - named Santisuk, which means peace in Thai - was first hired to collect fruit. The monkey was such a good worker, he received a promotion. A bump to Peace Ambassador.

The monkey also helps supervise a police checkpoint and his boss says he has made it a much happier place. Motorists now stop to play with Santisuk, rather than getting angry at the hold-up.

This is how we quell dangerous and murderous religious extremists. Monkeys.

America! It is now time to stop the discrimination and start hiring monkey task forces. If not now, when? The monkeys are ready to bring peace to Earth.

Just as we always thought they would...