Well, this is a lot of fun -until it suddenly takes a left turn. Got your attention, didn't it?

(via Metafilter)

The Oscars are nothing more than highly paid famous people jerking off other highly paid famous people in front of a live audience in the hope that the American public will fall more in love with them ... and give them more money. And because I was forced to sit through the entire ceremony, I thought I'd give you my take on the winners.

I'm going to try to be more like Glenn Beck.

No, not by clumsily scribbling and misspelling words on a chalkboard, weeping or having an obsession with communism. By comparing myself inappropriately to legendary historical figures.

The following are actual quotes from one of our favorite punching bags. We take great delight in smacking him around like that creepy inflatable Bozo the Clown with sand in the base. You pop the clown in the schnozz, and he bounces back up with something even more crazy.

Again, these are real Glenn Beck quotes, compiled by Media Matters:

"Today is the first day I actually feel like Paul Revere."

"I understood for the first time why they killed Socrates. Because Socrates would go and seek out the, you know, the smartest people and he'd say, hey, so, answer this question. And he was really, honestly asking."

"I know, I know, I'm going to be called a hatemonger for this, you know, conversation that we have, whatever, that's fine. They also called people like Benjamin Franklin a hatemonger. They said that he was crazy."

"Because if you don't stand up as you are losing those rights, as the government is growing in power, then unfortunately it becomes too late to stand up peacefully. How many times do I have to say: peaceful. As Martin Luther King did. Was Martin Luther King, was he anti-government? Well he sure took the government and turned it upside-down, now didn't he?"

And finally...

"Remember, Thomas Paine was kind of the -- oh, I don't know... My apologies to Thomas Paine, but kind of the me of the generation. I mean, I can't think of anybody else."

This seems like a sound media strategy. Just subtly say how great you are by slipping in outrageous historical comparisons. I have to be honest with you, I felt like Archimedes when he came of with the The Quadrature of the Parabola when thinking up with the idea for this column.

Zach Galifianakis is a polarizing comedian. You either think he's absurdly hilarious, or think he's a holdover from a 90's Phish concert. If you watched Saturday Night Live this past weekend, you saw Zach's monologue (embedded after the jump) something I consider to be one of the funnier moments on the show in sometime. While watching the show, it never occurred to me that the oft-bearded Galifianakis shaved his neck warmer before the last skit. The video above sheds some light on how it all went down.

We all know Obama likes the bitches...

Sandra Bullock has done something no actor ever has. She won both the best and worst actress awards, on the same day.

Last night, Sandra Bullock won the most prestigious acting award - Best Actress at the Oscars. A night earlier, she won the worst honor for an actor - The Razzie for Worst Actress.

She won for 2 different films thankfully. Best actress, as you know, was for The Blind Side. Worst actress for the box office bomb All About Steve.

Sandra was cool about winning, er losing, the Razzie. In fact, she handed out DVD copies of All About Steve at the event.

Now that's an actress who's versatile.