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Sasquatch, UFO's, The Loch Ness Monster, The JFK Assassination Conspiracy & Other Fairy Tales I Wish I Could Believe In
sasquatch01.jpg"For the love it bears to fair maidens the unicorn forgets its ferocity and wildness and laying aside all fear it will go to a seated damsel and sleep in her lap, and thus the hunters take it."
Leonardo da Vinci, from his journals

We want to believe in the unknown. We want to know what we're not supposed to know. It's why the rubes buy tabloids. It's information we're not supposed to have.

In a way, I'm no different. When certain subjects come across my radar, be it magazine or internet articles or the occasional television documentary, I can't help but read or watch. Some are legit; The Civil War, Jack the Ripper, WWII, old west gunfighters, archeology, anthropology, the death of Hitler, Masons, The Crusades and The Templar's, Africa and monkeys. There's a lot more but that get could really boring.

But there are others that I know I should ignore. They're ridiculous. And yet I can't help it, they're too entertaining. Like cartoons. The subjects - that I'm exactly proud of - are Bigfoot, UFO's, The Loch Ness Monster and the John F. Kennedy Assassination. This admittedly goes against my snobby nature. My curiosity often wins the arm wrestling match against my shabby intellect.

When the subjects come up, I can't help it, I watch. Or I read. Just in case these is a new smoking gun laid out on the table to prove Nessie roams my homeland.

I make a lot of jokes on these mysterious subjects.

But do I actually believe?

Fox Mulder Office.jpgSasquatch:Full disclosure: As a teenager, I believed in Bigfoot. I wanted to. I lived in the Pacific Northwest, Sasquatch's backyard. He had to be out there. Sneaking through the trees, stealing fruit from orchards and scaring the piss out of Washingtonian campers. Then there was the famous Patterson film that shows Bigfoot walking through a grove of trees, muscles rippling, peering back at the camera, and disappearing into the brush.

There she was. That damn thing is real.

Curious, I went to the bookstore, which was then a small Dalton's bookseller in the mall, and bought a Sasquatch book. Like most books, there was a glossy picture section in the middle of the book. But every picture was blurry and indistinguishable. You saw what you wanted to see.

Evidence: Footprints, most likely done by hoaxers, and four strands of hair that could be from anything.

No remains. No body. No carcass. No car has hit one. No hunter has popped the Missing Link with his thirty-aught-six. There isn't anything concrete. Well, there is plaster evidence, but that's just the molds of the fake footprints. We can find fossilized Tyrannosaur Rex poop but no Bigfoot droppings? It doesn't add up.

Believers say that the wet forests of the Northwest cause remains to decompose quicker. But damp soil is not sulfuric acid. Bone just don't dissolve that quickly.

What are they eating? Where are the carcasses of their kills?

In Theory: If Sasquatch was real they would have to be intelligent enough to hide from the dozens of dopes that shell out of few hundred clams to hunt her down. They'd have to bury their dead so we couldn't find the remains.

Take snow leopards. There are about 5,600 left in the wild. It's rare, but skilled photographers capture them on camera. In high definition. But in 50 years we can't get a photo or piece of video that is not controversial or an obvious fake. Every picture is out of focus. As if they gave the camera to Ray Charles and said "He's to your left Ray, point and shoot, give it a go."

Conclusion: Sorry. No Sasquatch. Harry and the Henderson's couldn't happen in real life.

Lochnessmonster.jpg The Loch Ness Monster: Again, as a teen, I believed. Nessie was from Scotland for crying out loud. The homeland. My grandparents could have taken a day cruise searching for the beast. Then there was the "Surgeon's Photograph." Man, that thing looked real. Shadows on the water, ripples around the animal, perfectly formed neck. That photo was "taken" in 1934. It lasted for 60 before being revealed as a well done sculpture attached to a toy submarine.

The other photos of Nessie make the pics of Bigfoot look like they were shot by Alfred Eisenstaedt. They're just lunacy. The other evidence is ripples in the water. That's just desperate.

Evidence: Not really anything. Hazy pictures and ripples in the water.

In Theory: The Loch Ness Monster(s) are believed by most researchers to be a group of surviving plesiosaurs. That would mean that they survived the Cretaceous-Tertiary extinction event 65 million years ago and somehow kept going. There was one group of dinosaurs that survived all this time and it was in a dank loch in Scotland?

What are they eating? Where are they breeding? Where are they?

Conclusion:Again, if Nessie is a plesiosaur, they're not smart enough to hide. Elephants are quite bright and walk right out in the open. So, no, The Loch Ness Monster is not real.

(SIDENOTE: The ghost hunters are the most idiotic of this bunch of believers. Didn't Harry Houdini debunk this crap 100 years ago? The charlatans come into the mark's home with some fancy looking equipment and start the act. "I'm getting a strong feeling of a presence near the fridge." Exciting. "Over in this corner I'm getting some electrical readings that are quite abnormal." Does that mean my George Forman Grill is haunted? Those phonies are one step above pet psychics.)

The John F. Kennedy Assassination Conspiracy: Alright, I'll admit, there's an K2-sized mountain of moments that don't add up. Why was the motorcade route changed? Why didn't Oswald shoot when the President was on Houston Street (the street the Book Depository is on) and instead wait until the motorcade turned down Elm, making a more difficult shot? Why did onlookers run towards the picket fence and grassy knoll because that's where they thought they heard shots come from? Is the bullet hole on Kennedy's neck an exit or entry wound? Why was the Presidential limousine scrubbed down immediately? How is that bullet so magic? And most important, where is President Kennedy's brain?

In Theory: There were many who wanted Kennedy dead. Many that would gain from his death, especially the arms manufacturers for weapons to be used in Vietnam. In fact, Kennedy already had plans to get troops out of Vietnam by the end of 1965. Starting the process at the end of 1963. LBJ rescinded that order.

There are so many shady characters in the periphery of the assassination it makes things look really sketchy. Some have even named the assassin. A French drug trafficker and killer-for-hire named Lucien Sarti. There's even a photo of Bobby Kennedy and LBJ that witnesses said that heard Bobby say "Why'd you have my brother killed.

The Zapruder film and all the eyewitnesses give even more questions. But the fact remains that hard evidence still eludes us. Without Kennedy's brain, which somehow the National Archive "lost" there isn't any way to put the killing to rest.

Conclusion: I don't know. And we probably won't know for sure until the declassification of mounds of documents in 2017. But I do know this; to think that the White House, CIA, FBI, Mafia, Castro and a few New Orleans oddballs were all in the killing of Jack Kennedy is nuts. If there was a conspiracy, there wasn't more than 3 or 4 people involved.

Swiss UFO.jpgUFO Cover-up: Starting in the late 40's, more and more people are seeing weird things in the skies. (Some say there are UFO sightings going back to the beginning of the recorded word.) tales of disc-shaped objects, flashing lights, impossible flying maneuvers, adductions and unwieldy instruments jammed up your behoolah are ingrained into popular culture. There thousands of UFO reports from all over the globe every year. And the numbers are growing.

Honestly, I do want to believe. It would be great, riveting news cycles to read every day. However, there are problems. 95% of sightings are hoaxes or overactive imaginations. It's that small 5% that actually are unexplained that cause wonder. People aren't buying "swamp gas," "weather balloons," and "atmospheric phenomena." That dog don't hunt. However, with all the armchair CGI artists, fakes are coming faster than YouTube can handle them. People are still being duped. Hell, Greg fooled the dopey Brady Bunch with a model and a whistle. (The episode was called Out of This World.) But, people are seeing something.

The best examples of the unexplained are the mass sightings, seen by thousands at the same time, like the Phoenix Lights. There various explanations to that event. Again, the lack of concrete evidence keeps UFO's in the folklore category.

The collection of "UFO debris" or "alien implants" always comes back to he same. "We conclude this to be some kind of unknown alloy or metal." That isn't helping your cause.

We can find scraps of evidence from a minor fender-bender, but no real evidence of a UFO crash or landing? I don't know happened in Roswell New Mexico in 1n 1947, but there isn't evidence that says there was a major UFO crash.

In Theory:We are not alone in the Universe. it's so massive and incompressible, that it's ignorant to think that we re he only intelligent species in the multiple galaxies. The edge of the observable Universe is 48.5 billion light-years away.

There's more than just us.

The major question is if there is other planets that could visit us, how could they travel the long distances? Take a piece of paper. Draw a dot in the upper left-hand corner. Now draw one in the lower left-hand corner. What's the quickest way to get from point to point? Straight line between the points, right? Wrong. Take the paper and old it in half and put the points touching.

That's the theory that scientists would refer to as a wormhole. A theoretical theory that states "A theoretical distortion of space-time in a region of the universe that would link one location or time with another, through a path that is shorter in distance or duration than would otherwise be expected." So in theory, travel could take places over long distances.

Imagine showing someone an Ipod to someone 1,000 years ago. Or a shotgun to someone 5,000 years ago. They would think that you are some kind of demon or witch.

Now what if there is a civilization that is 1,000 years ahead of us? Or a million years ahead of us? They may have some ore sophisticated travel techniques.

Conclusion: Do UFO's exist? Maybe. But probably not. There just isn't enough hard evidence to say they do. The pictures and video are too inconclusive. So I don't think so. But maybe.

de-loys-ape.jpg These are just a few fun examples. There's all kinds of stuff that people believe in. Chupacabra, The Moth Man, The Jersey Devil, the De Loys ape, hell, every continent and indigenous people have stories of monsters and cryptids.

Believers like to say that we discover thousands of new species every year. This is true. But they all fall into a certain genus. Not their own unique supernatural subdivision.

But I'm afraid all these subjects are just modern day folklore. Updated versions of Mother Goose, Aesop's Fables or The Brothers Grimm. They're just stories. Fun to read about or watch documentaries about, but just stories. I'm afraid none of it is real.

But let's watch the skies. Just in case...

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I went to the Alien Museum in Roswell back in the 1990's. It was pretty nifty. I don't believe, though I wish I did. Like you. The X-Files rocked.

said E on February 23, 2010 9:29 PM.

We went to Roswell. We were within a couple hundred miles and couldn't help ourselves. It was hilarious. Especially the streetlamp shaped like alien heads and the Cover Up Cafe.

said Johnny Wright on February 24, 2010 2:07 AM.
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