Of course, there has to be rules, this isn't "Thunderdome." The Senate is still almost a civilized establishment.

Rule #1: No firearms. What are we? A gun-crazed society? That's ridiculous. Let's have a little dignity. Without the No Guns Clause, A senator from Mississippi could take the floor with an arsenal of automatic weapons supplied by the NRA. A group who hold senators' nuts rather tightly. That's a conflict of interest.

So, no guns. At all. No hip-holsters tucked under a Brooks Brothers suit jacket loaded with Colonel Colt's Peacemaker. No Mafia-style shoulder holsters. No Derringers that can be sprung into action with the aid of a hidden retractable device.

By-Law #1: A concealed "zip gun" is potentially allowed, if, the projectile is not a bullet. Then that's just a gun. You jury-rig a zip gun that pops a ball bearing and there was an appeal to the judges, the decision would go to the shooter.



Another reason we're disallowing firearms, is because of the duel between the former Secretary of Treasury Alexander Hamilton and sitting Vice President Aaron Burr. Bit of a black eye on American politics. Plus, a little anti-climatic. Hamilton died more than a day later from a collapsed diaphragm and liver after a ferry ride. Come on Burr, nice shot Cockeye Magee.

Rule #2: Man vs. Man or Woman vs. Woman. Otherwise, these battles could get really exploitive. We need to maintain dignity above all else in this.

Rule #3: Fight are one-on-one. No group rumbles. No senate colleagues can toss a metal baton onto the floor or hit the an opponent with a metal folding chair. Again, dignity. This isn't pro wrestling. (Though some of the closeted senators may have a singlet or banana hammock on under their tailored pinstripes.) These battles will be between two elected officials only. Just as the Founding Fathers intended.

Rule #4: All weapons must be concealed before debate begins and combat breaks out. One element that is going to be key in the fights is creativity. You're not waltzing onto the floor swinging a Hattari Hanzo sword above your head. (Dignity.) This cleverness by necessity levels the playing field. Also, If the senators can channel the idiocy of mocking up poorly researched USA Today-like pie charts or bringing babies to the podium to say that they can't help when they poop, but they apparently oppose health care reform. Or elicit Nazi imagery and Socialist rhetoric. The more creativity being used for "good", the better television we'll have.

It's a little like sneaking candy into the movie theater. The ticket-taker gives you the once over thinking "I see your pockets bulging with Skittles, a Milky Way and a 20-oz Mountain Dew you bought at the corner shop, but I can't be sure. Move along. You're in theater number 3."

An elderly senator that has a cane that converts into a sword would be a good move. Or a gaffed umbrella. "Tut tut, it looks like rain ... or a saber!" A professional suit could easily hide daggers, darts, throwing stars, throwing knives or nunchucks.

A tomahawk could be effective. And entertaining. Think Johnny Carson with the ole' axe to the crotch gag. That's just hilarious. A blow dart gun could be underrated. A Southern Senator could stash a Bowie knife in their cowboy boots. Or a shank underneath one of those hubcap-sized belt buckle.

A female senator could easily pull the heel out of stiletto pumps that becomes an actual stiletto. This leads us to:

By-Law #2: If both female senators go to the Stiletto Heel Gambit, time is called. Then Barney Frank ties the ladies hands together with a bandana. In an instant, it becomes just Michael Jackson's "Beat It" video. Just less gay.

Senate floor combat will bring the right and left sides of the isle together. Mainly because they will have to. They will need binoculars and IFB earpieces to scout the opposition. "Lindsay Graham is wearing an eyepatch? Did he have an eye injury? Let's look into this." You see, an eyepatch, combined with a few smoothed stones in a pocket, could be transformed into a deadly sling. Biblical. Look at pocket squares, throwing darts or a Mont Blanc pen that becomes a knife could be hidden behind those seemingly benign squares of silk paisley. Even lipstick could hide a small dagger. If you see the good senator from New Hampshire stroll to the podium wearing a bowler hat, you can bet the rest of what's left in Social Security there's a saw blade in the brim of that chapeau. He's gonna chuck that hat at your neck like Odd Job in Goldfinger.

Note to Senators: Hats in general should be viewed suspiciously. Hatpin = deadly. Write that down.

Senators, don't underestimate the damage that could be done by the following: Bicycle chains, billy clubs or blackjacks, brass knuckles, sock full of pennies, a ninja Kusara Kama chain and cattle prods.

By-Law #3: The only shield allowed is a monogrammed patent leather-bound binders. Without that rule, these fights could become Big 10 football game real snoozers. We don't need that.

Rule #5: No Pepper Spray. The fumes could easily blow into the crowd or obscure the cameras. Then we can't see the action. Bad decorum.

Rule #6: No booby traps. No bear traps under the podium. No logs suspended by ropes that when cut by Ewoks would smash the speaker from both sides. (Go to 2:30 of that clip.) No pages cutting an overhanging sandbag while Chuck Grassley is yelling. Cracking Chuck in the head.

What's happening in the Senate now is basically kabuki theater anyway. Or better yet, The Muppet Show. With huge corporations and well-funded lobbyists with their hands up the senator's behoolah's moving their mouths to say what they are supposed to.

The floor battles elevates Speaker Nancy Pelosi as well. She becomes Commodus overseeing the gladiator games. Just with too much botox and the inability to blink. I can just see her, eyes looking like they are propped open with toothpicks, "Strength and honor, senators. Proceed."

Man, we'd have some health care and campaign finance reform then. And some death.

In the case of a draw - both warriors are knocked out, have passed out from loss of blood or there are less than 3 combined limbs - the decision goes to the pre-appointed judges. Five diverse members of the United Nations that have a fighting background. A panel like gymnastics or figure skating.

Points are heavily weighted towards creativity. For example, the Japanese judge is going to lean towards scoring highly for those using martial arts weapons. If the senior senator from New York chucks throwing stars shaped liked playing cards, the judge from Monaco is holding up a "10." Monte Carlo casinos have a pretty big influence on the U.N.

Finally, this proposal of Senate battles would be a boon to the D.C. economy. Dojos would be popping up like Chipotle burrito joints. All filled to the brim with every elected official and ambitious aide around the beltway.

"Fake bipartisanship does not exist in the this dojo! Does it?

"No Sensei!"

"Improper defense of a concealed sai does not exist in the dojo! Does it?

"No Sensei!"

Rule #7: May the best fighter combined the proper legislation win.

"Strength and honor."


Selah...