Corn Flakes

Corn Flakes are unapologetically dull. From the box to your bowl to your stomach, they are the Droopy Dog of breakfast cereals.
You can cover them in sugar, fruit and nuts, but they're still just boring flakes.

All Bran Flakes

3 super exciting words right there huh? But I'll cut All Bran Flakes a break since they serve a functional, medical purpose.
In fact, Kellogg's promises after 7 days of eating All Bran you'll feel "lighter."
Lighter, yeah that's one way to put it.

Corn Bran

For those who like bran to be crunchy. This cereal is made of "wholesome corn" and "fiber-rich bran." Quaker markets Corn Bran as a "breakfast sensation."

Come on, it is puffs of hard corn. No cob or covered in warm butter. You'd have to poor chocolate milk over it to make it sensational.

Weetabix

Weetabix was invented in 1920. The original flavor hasn't changed much since. It allows you to combine a love for nostalgia with a preference for eating soggy grain sticks for breakfast.
In other words, denture wearers think Weetabix kicks ass.

Total

Total original flavor is 100% whole grains with "100% of the Daily Value of 11 important vitamins and minerals."
Zzzzzz.

They basically admitted it needed Prozac with line extensions like blueberry pomegranate flavor.

Mueslix

No amount of snazzy graphics and swipes of color will cover up the fact that you are basically eating what a horse eats: whole grain barley, oats and wheat.

Mr. Ed was funny. Eating his breakfast just makes one sad.

Puffed Rice

Cheap, private label brands do not get a pass here. If you copy depressing, bland cereals, you should be ashamed.

Puffed Rice? That puts kids to sleep at breakfast.

Kashi GOLEAN

A "lightly sweetened mix of crunchy fiber twigs, crispy soy protein grahams, and honey-toasted 7 Whole Grains and Sesame Puffs."

You are supposed to feel wonderful knowing that you are treating yourself right. Don't your taste buds deserve some excitement?

Grape Nuts

Grape Nuts has been part of breakfast for over 100 years. But skip the trip down memory lane.
If you remember eating sand as a child and thought it was exciting, then des Nuts are for you.
Dentists love Grape Nuts. It keeps them in business.

Chex

You maybe thinking Chex can't be boring, people serve them at parties.
No party great party ever served Chex mix. Unless the party theme was Naked Chex Wrestling.

Fact is, Chex is so dull, General Mills had to try to make it fun. No one wanted to pour milk over it.
Lets go over the sobering varieties: Rice Chex. Corn Chex, Wheat Chex, Multi-Bran Chex.

These scream fun! Honey, get the noose, I'm done eating my bowl of Chex.
Only Cinnamon Chex holds promise.

Puffins Cereal

Straight from Whole Foods, so you know it's void of excitement.
If you find a "low fat, lightly sweetened, wheat free, all-natural" cereal exciting, you need to go sky diving or something.

That's the end of our list of sad breakfast cereals. If you're a cereal fanatic like me, take heart. There are still plenty of Frosted Flakes, Sugar Smacks and Coco Pebbles to go around.

Now, to get out of your cereal depression, try a bowl, or 12, of Colon Blow.