The Vatican Secret Archives are, of course, closed to the public. You can't show up, present your library card and check out Gutenberg Bible. However my contact inside the Archives - we'll call him "Ramone." His real name is Ramon but I'm a huge fan of The Ramones and felt like changing it - has snuck me inside. I'm wearing the robe and everything.

Ramone took me down a long corridor, unlocked a huge vault and revealed the first secret of my trip. The Vatican houses the most comprehensive hip hop collection on the planet. They have everything. Every rap recording from every country, ever. Master tapes. Lyric sheets. Dr. Dre's elementary school short stories. The medical records of Kanye West's sex reassignment surgery in Thailand. (Those documents had to be handled with white cotton gloves.)

It turns out that the Vatican not only is a top authority on rap music, but - through subterfuge - one of the genre's biggest promoters. The hip hop wing of the Archives was filled with dozens of young priests wearing huge headphones, bobbing their heads up and down and making notes with feather pens on rolls of parchment. Every reference and song-sample is footnoted. Every diss track beef noted.

For centuries, there has been allegations of secrets inside the Catholic Church. Suppressed information. I have uncovered one of the most effective lies of all time: white people have no rhythm and cannot dance. Ramone showed me documents that go back to Pope Leo X from 1517 that began the spread of that lie.

Whenever you see a group of white folks awkwardly clapping, not within driving distance of the correct beat, those are Vatican plants. All Opus Dei operatives that are acting like troglodytic goofs. Misinformation. The thought being that if Caucasians were viewed as cool, the world would be suspicious of the theft of ethnic music. It's how Elvis got away with ripping off Delta Blues.

Ramone continued to tell me just how embedded rap music is in the Catholic Church. You think Suge Knight went to prison three times? Nope. Each time Suge was supposedly in the joint, he was actually flown to Vatican City to work in the Archives. I saw the photos.

Underneath those fancy cardinal robe? Sean Jean tracksuits. Some of the priesthood's crucifixes are blinged beyond belief. It's just on the underside where it can't be seen. During Vatican mixers, where ancient chalices are cleverly converted to "Pimp Cups," those crosses are flipped around. Iced out.

I was shown travel records that prove in 1978 The Sugarhill Gang was flown to Rome to get help with the lyrics of the groundbreaking song "Rapper's Delight." This was just weeks after John Paul II was named Pope. Not only was John Paul II instrumental in the popularization of hip hop, he personally worked with The Sugarhill Gang on the lyrics. "I got bodyguards, I got two big cars that definitely ain't whack. I got a Lincoln Continental, and a Sunroof Cadillac." Those lines were all Pope. Where do you think the idea for the "Popemobile" came from? Connect those dots on your own.

Had John Paul II still have been alive, an official Vatican playlst would have been released long ago. Heavy on the hip hop. (And oddly "Yummy, Yummy, Yummy" by Ohio Express. Pope John Paul loved that song.) When he passed, the list was shelved. Current Pope Benedict XVI was reluctant to embrace rap, despite the tradition inside the Vatican walls. This was mainly due to music in his youth being a little more, shall we say, "controlled."

Undeterred, the Vatican staff waited until Pope Benedict fell asleep, then quietly piped in Tupac through hidden speakers into the Papal's chambers. Slowly, it worked. One morning the Pope woke up, asked for a Denver Omelet with a glass of V8 and, according to Ramone, said "I have this song stuck in my head. It's catchy. One of the lyrics is 'Give crack to the kids, who the hell cares, one less hungry mouth on the welfare.' Do we have that record?"

The staff nodded to each other softly. It was time for the list.

That is how Tupac Shakur came to be on the Official Vatican MySpace Playlist. Another mystery solved.

Except ... Ramone told me another legend that I am determined to crack. The Darth Vader gargoyle on the National Cathedral is common knowledge. Apparently, somewhere in Europe, is a hidden Tony Montana Scarface gargoyle. Behind the gargoyle are treasures only spoken of by Lil' Wayne.

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