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AXE Hair Giveaway - Results!
A few weeks ago, we asked you to submit your dirtiest secrets. And some of them were dirty. Very dirty. In fact, it made us question what sort of readers we actually have, and glad that we write under pseudonyms. After pouring over the results, we are (slightly) proud to announce the winners of this year's AXE Hair Giveaway!

1st Place - Taunee (Senior year, I slept with a teacher for a passing grade. After I recieved my grade and graduated, I called him up and told him I was pregnant. He was so scared that he had to tell his wife. After he did, I told him I was just kidding.) - Because that's so wrong, kind of hot and your addition of "I was home schooled" is horribly wrong but also hilarious.
2nd Place - Leonardo Carvalho (10 years ago I used to receive blow jobs from an ex-coworker so he'd pass me marijuana for free.) - Because we've all done that and know how it feels. Plus, you got slammed in the comments section and deserve to "come clean."
3rd Place - Ben Lurkin (I once taped a dead mouse to the bottom of a co-workers desk. As it decayed, everyone thought he had some serious hygiene issues. Does a secret like that count? I mean the dude deserved it, he was a real ass-hat. We handle our feuds a little differently here in the Midwest.) - You get it because you used the term "ass-hat."

I'll contact the winners shortly (in the next three to six months depending on my parole hearings). We'll send the product out soon after. Thanks!
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Who's your momma?

I'd like to thank all of the little people. Namely Leonardo.
Leonardo, you confessed to having had your peeeennnis sucked by a man for second place. Knowing that, makes this win even sweeter.

Echowood, I look forward to hearing from you so I can give you my address.
Love ya bitches.

said Taunee on December 15, 2009 7:03 PM.

Ask me if I care.

said Leonardo Carvalho on December 15, 2009 7:24 PM.

Leonardo, precious boy, your comment tells me that you care.

said Taunee on December 15, 2009 7:43 PM.

Taunee deserves recognition for her work in 2 girls 1 cup as well. (Not to shit on her whorin though).

said E on December 15, 2009 7:45 PM.

Taunee's just jealous. All those times guys sucked on her penis and she didn't even think to ask for some weed!

said Sheriff Pablo on December 15, 2009 8:26 PM.

Hahaha, Taunee is awesome.
I like her feisty attitude. I can imagine she would be the perfect woman.
If only I wasn't so gay...

said Frank the Tank on December 15, 2009 9:08 PM.

Sheriff, you totally rule.

And E, the "not to shit on her whorin though" comment should win its own prize.

said Vicky on December 15, 2009 9:48 PM.

WoW! I'm just all atwitter! To even be mentioned within the same article as Taunee and Leo is just overwhelming. I'm not worthy to hold Taunee's cup or be a fluffer for Leo while he's participating in his drug transactions. What a world we live in, how exciting!

As far as these wonderful Axe products are concerned ... these can be used on any body hair correct? 'Cause I'm sporting a comb over like Ernie McCracken.

said Ben Lurkin on December 16, 2009 9:48 AM.

E-jizzle, I am not familiar with two girls one cup. I'm sorry, I'm sure that was a funny joke down at the chess club.
Sheriff Pablo, When you refer to my penis getting sucked, I know you are refering to the penis that I own, that penis is your penis. You have masturbated so many times to my picture that I think it is only fair that I have ownership on mighty mouse. To answer your question, yes I am jealouse that I didn't get paid for pimping out your little wang.
Frank. Thank you. I am the perfect woman. I am beginning to accept you for who you are as well. One day, when you get tired of giant black hogs pounding your doughnut, give me a call.
Vicky, you are just a gutter whore. Nothing witty to offer but a crotch full of hamburger. Hamburger crotch.

said Taunee on December 16, 2009 9:49 AM.

Hey Ben, you're a Loyal 77 already.

And by the way, whatever hair you wanna wash, it's your own decision to make, man. Go ahead.

said Leonardo Carvalho on December 16, 2009 5:14 PM.

Gee, that was so original Taunee. Hamburger crotch? Alright.

Taunee, I don't find any of your comments in the least bit entertaining. I think you're an obnoxious, foul-mouthed attention-whore. This game of petty vulgar word play does not appeal to me.

There's the silly good-natured banter we've all come to enjoy, and then there's you.

I used to have a good time commenting here. Joking around, and not taking any of it seriously. But, alas, all good things must come to an end

said Vicky on December 17, 2009 12:42 AM.

As a 3-foot monkey, I must say that I find someone with hamburger crotch to be quite appealing.

I like long walks on the beach.

said Tim on December 17, 2009 10:06 AM.

I'm still thinking that Taunee may be Thomas in disguise as she does seem to have a way with words that only a guy would use. Hamburger crotch.....women don't use that shit. They use words like cunt and bitch and such. Don't leave us Vicky due to one bad apple!

said Bigus Dickus on December 17, 2009 12:27 PM.

The Jellio-Dave wars are fought along many a front.

said Tim on December 17, 2009 12:50 PM.

Dickus sweetie, how little you know about the opposite sex.

Vicks, I'm sorry. I think we should kiss and make up. No more of this woman on woman violence.

Timmy, you are a very funny monkey.

said Taunee on December 17, 2009 2:54 PM.

I guess I'm just used to my wife who'll skip words with someone and prefer to punch them in the face or bite them.

said Bigus Dickus on December 17, 2009 5:29 PM.
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