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Top Ten Items That'll Get You Laid This Holiday Season
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Like Echo's previous post on the Top 10 Cars That'll Get You Laid, we've put together a similar post. This time, we're looking at gadgets and items to help you get her to tend the ol' Yule Log. Trim the tree. Lick the candy cane. Come down the chimney. Unwrap the box. Enjoy the Christmas ham. Find some room at the inn.

Good? Keep going? Ok.

Bring myrrh to the wise man. Shovel the driveway. Give the stocking a rocking. For the Jews among us: grab the Menorah candle. And here, without further ado, are the top ten items that will surely help you get laid this holiday season.

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HARLEM

Enjoy the taste of Jägermeister, but afraid to be the douchebag who orders it at a bar? Harlem is the solution. Created by the same folks who brought us Kettle One vodka, Harlem brings sophistication and class back to the digestif market. If you want to impress her by ordering a unique drink, ask the bartender for one of these and the two of you can spend the rest of the night making fun of the guy with the spiked hair and popped collar sipping his Jägerbomb at the end of the bar all alone. It's exquisite taste makes it easy to go down, and the kruiden herbs from the Netherlands will keep both of you warm enough for the snow-filled trip back to your chalet.

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Dyson Air Multiplier

If ever there was a conversation piece, it's the Dyson Air Multiplier. Without (visible) blades, it draws in air and amplifies it by 15x. Further, it's easy to clean and fun to use. So while it costs you $300 to own one, she'll assume you have the bank account to keep her in Tory Burch shoes and Prada handbags through the New Year.

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The Art of Tim Burton

Want to seem sophisticated, but hate looking at art books filled with pictures of ponds and dogs playing poker? This is the perfect medium. A vast collection of Tim Burton's drawings, the book is 430 pages of pure gothic quirk. Leave it open on your coffee table and she'll certainly want to sit down for a closer look. (Here's where you make your move.) While she's thumbing through sketches of the Headless Horseman from Sleepy Hollow, you can put your arm around her and mention you know of another horseman, though this one has a head and he needs some personal attention. (I'm spit balling here but you get the drift.) The standard edition will run you $70, the deluxe (with a lithograph and autograph) will run you $300.

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Nintendo Wii

Girls hate it when you play video games, and yet they're strangely attracted to the Nintendo Wii. Perhaps it's the motion based input devices or the feeling of having the Wiimote in their hands, but women flock to the Wii like hippies to a Phish concert. And if they like to wax nostalgic, grab a copy of New Super Mario Bros. Wii and let them relive 1985 all over again. Finally, now that the crazy buying rush has subsided, you shouldn't have a problem finding one in your local big box retailer this holiday season. (The reduced price helps too)

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Skype

The future is now. Mr. Spacely would spit sprockets if he knew what we've achieved in just a short amount of time. Sure, we're still missing the hover car, but we can talk to anyone around the world - and see them at the same time. Skype is the leader in this industry. There's almost no video lag, it's painfully easy to use, and when used properly it'll reduce your phone bills to zero. So while you may be spending the holidays in San Diego while she's freezing her jingle bells off in Boston, it'll be like she's in the room with you ... almost. Perfect for the long distance relationship, and with hacks that'll let you record the video for "later use," Skype is the next best thing to getting a prostitute and calling her by your girlfriend's name.

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Motorola Droid

While it may not have the classic sexiness of the iPhone, the Droid runs on Verizon which means she'll actually be able to get a hold of you.

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Pit Bull Puppies

Thanks to Michael Vick's poor choice of alternative career choices, a lot of attention has been given to animal abuse, specifically pit bull dog fighting. Despite the violent connotations the name "pit bull" brings, when trained properly, these dogs are some of the most loyal dogs you can find. So locate a pit bull rescue group, do some research, read some books, and adopt a puppy. Then head to the park with the dog and watch the ladies flock. (Just keep the dog out of the bed)

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Parker's Mood

You'll never go wrong with Jazz, especially at the hands of Charlie Parker. Roy Hargrove, Christian McBride and Stephen Scott bring a relaxed and subtle feel to Parker's bebop. It's the perfect background to a cool winter night. You'll appreciate the light textures of the music while she'll appreciate you not owning a Lady Gaga CD.

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iPod nano

Let's face it, in this day in age, you need an iPod. (Zune who?) Placing one in your pocket each morning is as normal as grabbing your wallet. So why take up pocket room with a bulky player when you can use this small and lightweight unit? There's a color for everyone (including her) and the latest generation captures video should things take an "interesting" turn later in the night.

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Cashmere

This is the secret ingredient. Grab a cashmere sweater from Banana Republic or BlueFly and watch the sparks fly. You'll appreciate the warmth, and she'll appreciate the ridiculous softness of the fabric - so much so that she won't be able to keep her hands off you. If the cashmere doesn't do the trick, change your cologne.

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5 Comments

Great list. You should write one of these geared towards women next.

said Evangeline on November 20, 2009 9:05 PM.

wait, scratch that idea. All it would read would be "bring booze and food. Be naked"

said Evangeline on November 20, 2009 9:06 PM.

Apart from naked with a C-string is acceptable too.

said Ernesto on November 21, 2009 12:22 AM.

I had some Harlem liqueur (sp) a couple weeks ago. I like it much more than Jager, though it's the same family of black, herbal liqueur's. Nice stuff.

Evangeline. Very true. Though you could bring some Harlem, some Charlie Parker tunes. Dang.

Nice taste Ivo.

said E on November 21, 2009 12:22 AM.

Great list, simply because I wanna get some of this stuff!!
I'm kind of a simple girl, though. The "bring booze and food. be naked" approach is good enough for me. Sounds like something I would say to a dude. We'll chat and impress each other later.

said Vicky on November 21, 2009 11:51 AM.
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