Monkey News!

DATELINE: Cape Town, South Africa

The world will descend on South Africa next summer for the planet's largest sporting event, The World Cup. Officials are vocalizing fear of one of the significant threats for tourists: Baboon Gangs.

These are some badass monkeys. Armed to the teeth. (Fangs) There are over 400 known baboon gangsters divided into 17 organized crime families. The harry thugs dabble in car-jacking, prostitution, drive-by poo chucking, extortion, racketeering, fruit laundering and murder/humping for hire.

Dirt road informants told police that there was to be a "sit down" with the heads of all 17 families to agree to leave soccer fans alone during the World Cup. However, baboon capo Moses "The Red Ass" Green was whacked while getting a massage from a Vervet Monkey prostitute. Shot right in the eye. "The Red Ass" was a "made" monkey. Now it's war.

Officials are confident that there will be a sufficient crackdown before the first games of the World Cup and travelers need not worry. They also warn that while hilarious, baboon gangs are extremely dangerous and should be avoided.