In "newly discovered journals," historians have found records that American president Abraham Lincoln embarked on an exhibition to hunt and kill the legendary sasquatch.In 1937, Lincoln searched in uncharted areas of the Western United States determined to find the ape man he had been told about by a Native American medicine man named "Darting Ferret."
Lincoln and his hunting party tracked the beast through the Northwestern wilderness, coming so close as to smell the horrific acrid odor of the animal. In his journal, Lincoln wrote, "It smelled like a cross between the stump end of a wooden leg and the devil himself if he were prone to vapors."
The group saw the apeman below while they perched on a hillside. The animal "had the hair of a bear, but the shape of a man." Lincoln, impetuous and never shying from a fight, charged the Bigfoot. Overpowered by the strength of Sasquatch, Lincoln was pinned down and at the creature's mercy.
Bigfoot only examined and smelled Lincoln. Then had mercy on Abe and walked into the woods. Never to be seen again. Both legends, Sasquatch's and Abraham Lincoln's have continued to grow.
(Thank you Monkey Goggles for the good laugh.)
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Go ahead and give a plug to your guys' store, David. I'm a big fan.
Archie McPhee is the home of handerpants, the undercap and squirrel underpants.
And other non-underewear related items of interest...
That's total B.S.
Sasquatch couldn't pin Lincoln any more easily than Douglas could with his counterarguments about the Fugitive Slave Law.
I'm pretty sure you guys are thinking of the Cardiff Giant. In '15 the C.G. and Sasquatch came to blows over the affection of one Mamie Geneva Doud, of Boone, Iowa. Both lost out to some up-and-coming officer, but the feud simmered for more than two decades.
Finally, in '37, after a failed attempt at reconciliation aboard the airship Hindenburg, Lincoln was brought in to mediate the dispute between the two.
Despite best intentions, the meeting ended in a series of piledrivers, leaving the legendary foes unconscious.
Lincoln didn't break a sweat.
I'm so sick of this country's notorious alternate history illiteracy. Makes me want to move to Siam, where they understand the value of Aaron Burr's difference engine.
Swayze is bringin' the noise today, kids.
Swayze,
I hate to be a disagreeable internet commenter, but since it was my article I feel the need to respond. You are both right AND wrong.
You would be correct if the multi-dimensional splintering hadn't happened in the month previous to the events described in the article. After a misapplication of alien technology that Lincoln discovered buried in a secret chamber beneath his living quarters, we ended up with a Lincoln from an alternate universe that was slightly stronger and more robust than our own Lincoln.
In the universe that got our Lincoln, he did lose to Bigfoot which caused our Lincoln's notorious bouts with melancholia. After the two were switched back to their own reality in an encounter with a mysterious mesmerist, history as we know it began to unfold.
It is said that Lincoln often tried to refight the match in his head. He even went so far as to have Mary Todd dress up in a full body Bigfoot outfit and fight him.
He did win that match.
I'm loving this. Thanks David for being a good sport and participating. It was a very funny article.
And please, loyal readers, shop at Archie McPhee for your next joke birthday gift.
JW
Sir,
I regret to inform you that you've just made the Lincoln-Lincoln Duality Error, common among most alternate historians.
Initially proposed by Samuel Clemens and discarded as untenable within a Newtonian framework, with he advent of Einsten's Theory of General Relativity, an opium-addicted Billy Sunday was able to formulate the mathematical principle, later formalized (unintentionally, whilst devising words that rhyme with "polio" for a limerick contest) by Jonas Salk, the Lincoln-Lincoln Duality Error states:
In a standard multi-verse involving any combination of past, future, present, quasi or pseudo Abraham Lincolns, no one Lincoln can possess physical attributes discernably different from Lincoln Prime, where Lincoln Prime is equal to or greater than subsequent Lincolns.
Therefore, the only plausible scenario in which our original Lincoln (Lincoln Mk. 1) could be weaker in any physical way than the switched Lincoln (Lincoln Mk. 2) would be if NEITHER Lincoln was Lincoln Prime.
Which, I'm sure you agree, is simply not possible. One would have to believe in a alicentric universe, where a parallel universe other than our own is equal to prime.
Quite obviously, from the quality of your research and the sundry useful goods you share using common business practices, you can't possibly propose that nightmare scenario (a prime universe which would, almost certainly, involve such cosmic horrors as the invention of the invisible flange and the Bea Arthur Dynasty.)
Oh wait...
You can't possibly...
Where's my abacus! Farnsworth! My abacus! Now!