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10 Deeply Disturbing Baby Dolls

Worried about babies having babies? Just show one of these 10 creeptastic doll commercials to your daughter, and she'll be asking Santa Claus for a tubal ligation this Christmas.

Baby Secret, Mattel, 1966

Secrets secrets are no fun, secrets secrets...KILL SOMEONE!

And yes, I'm pretty sure that is Eve Plumb, TV's Jan Brady, by the way.

Upsy Baby
Kenner, 1985

"No, Mommy said you shouldn't put baby on her stomach because of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome."

"AAAAAAGH! ZOMBIEEEEE!"

Baby Uh Oh
ca. mid-1980s

Diaper rash? You sure that's not smallpox?

Even more frightening: even though it's not shown in the commercial, my research indicates that the doll's knickers came in not only "lemonade," but also "fudge."

Cabbage Patch Snacktime Kids
Mattel, 1996

Sure, these dolls were pretty creepy to begin with, even before throwing in a glorified colostomy bag - but this model brought a whole new level of terror to the Cabbage Patch.

Unlike other dolls on this list, which children merely feared would maim or kill them, this one actually tried. The one-way metal rollers that made up the chewing mechanism did not have an on/off switch, and were activated simply by inserting the accompanying plastic food...or hair...or fingers. These dolls were recalled not long after hitting the shelves, so if you have one today, it's bound to be a collector's item - worth at least as much as your new prosthetic hand.

Starla
Hasbro, 1992

Just what every little girl dreams of: hearing her every word spat back at her in the voice of a homicidal leprechaun.

It would be kinda cool to hook one of these up to a guitar somehow and see if you can get that Peter Frampton vocoder effect, though.

Lazy Dazy
Ideal, 1972

Back in the early '70s, narcolepsy was apparently grounds for corporal punishment. Think it had something to do with Nixon's contempt for stoners.

And based on what I gathered from the "Where Are They Now?" file, I believe the girl from this commercial is now starring in the touring company of Hangers! The Mommie Dearest Musical.

Penni Secrets
Mattel, 1994

Where does Penni keep all her pens? And why does she look so happy?

It's a secret.

Jill
Playmates, 1987

Okay, so this one's not technically a "baby"...but then, most demonic hellspawns are actually many millenia old, regardless of their outward appearance, anyway.

Playmates' disastrous follow-up to the cuter, more baby-like Cricket talking doll, this bilingual Beelzebub resembled the unholy union of one of the dolls from Disney's "It's A Small World" ride and a post-infection Rosalind Cash from The Omega Man.

omega_smallworld.jpg

And it cost over $200. In 1987. Most parents rich enough to actually buy one, however, were likely to shell out for a more wholesome purchase, like an eight-ball of coke. According to the president of the company's American subsidiary, "After Jill, the chairman won't even have an electronic doorbell in his house." I don't blame him.

Little Sprout Baby
Southern Media, 1985

Back in the early '80s, if your parents couldn't afford a real Cabbage Patch Kid (or else lacked the proper martial arts training to actually procure one at Riots-R-Us), chances are your grandma made you a pantyhose-and-polyfil proxy very similar to this one. But I bet she didn't go the extra mile to give it the squirmy, fresh-from-the-test-tube goodness of Little Sprout Baby.

Back in the day, there was an urban legend that Cabbage Patch Kids were introduced by the government to desensitize people to the disturbing appearance of children mutated by the coming nuclear apocalypse. It seemed pretty far-fetched, but watching this thing writhing in all its put-me-outta-my-misery glory, I'm not so sure....

Baby Laugh-a-Lot
Remco, 1970

After seeing this one, you'll probably need a case of Ambien if you ever want to sleep again. It's probably not a bad idea to keep a bucket of holy water on the nightstand, either.

Have a good weekend, kids. And remember to use protection.

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3 Comments

No doll will ever be as cool as Talking Tina!
"Hi, I'm Talking Tina, and I'm going to kill you!"
Tough enough to do in Telly Savalas and throw out a warning to his wife in the same scene!

said G on September 7, 2009 11:38 PM.

consider this one..,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jdn8gQkHyHI

said G on September 8, 2009 5:32 AM.

Yeah, Talking Tina was definitely freaky, alright. I was going more for "real" dolls, though (no, not THOSE "RealDolls," heh), so I also left out the myriad custom-made goth/horror dolls that are out there. To me, it's way creepier when the doll makers don't actually mean for it to be creepy.

I think Talking Tina was based on the original Chatty Cathy doll, but honestly I didn't find her commercial to be all THAT creepy:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Cyj3SdvCPw

TT was obviously also the inspiration for the Talking Krusty doll in The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror III ("Here's your problem - someone set this doll to 'evil.'") So maybe Chatty Cathy really was pretty disturbing after all, if only for the bevy of other disturbing dolls she paved the way for.

And with that last one - I think I'm much more disturbed by the people making the video than the actual doll. (Perhaps another Top 10 list?)

said Jeem on September 8, 2009 12:04 PM.
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