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Top 10 Songs About Balls
celebrated_balls.jpgAbove: just a few of humankind's many, many celebrated balls

When you really think about it, balls are pretty awesome. Yeah, I said it.

A potent symbol of courage, leadership, and even life itself, they've been celebrated since the dawn of human history. They are the very core of most of our sporting events. We gather by the millions each December 31 to watch 'em drop. Even the very act of enjoying something is known as "having" one. And as far as I understand, dunking them on someone's forehead is now a powerful form of political protest.

Let's face it: none of us would even be here today if it weren't for balls. Heck, every single one of us even lives on an enormous blue one.

So it's little wonder then, that they're the subject of many a popular ditty as well.

Here are 10 of the best - in order to get a handle on the hefty, almost overwhelming load somewhat, I stuck with songs that contained only the plural version, so you won't see, for example, The Temptations' "Ball of Confusion," The Who's "Pinball Wizard" or even Marvin Gaye's ode to co-ed sportsmanship, "You Sure Love to Ball."

You also won't see any songs specifically about "nuts," since so many people these days have allergy issues, and I am nothing if not sensitive to our readers' needs.

10. "Dirty Balls" by W.A.S.P., 1999

Thanks to the hair-pulling hysterics of Tipper Gore and my aunt Diane, this was one of the bands I wasn't allowed to listen to in the '80s, unless I happened to hang out with a friend who had cool (now known as "negligent") parents.

In retrospect, I can't say I blame them much - between this number and 1985's "Ballcrusher," God only knows how many men are now plagued by testicular necrosis as a result of Blackie Lawless and Co's ball-disregarding influence.

9. "All Balls" by Aceyalone, 1995

When Los Angeles rapper Eddie Hayes burst onto the scene with his Capitol Records debut album, All Balls Don't Bounce, West Coast hip hop was dominated by the violence and nihilism of gangsta rappers. To flip the script on the dominant paradigm and challenge the accepted cultural norms the way Aceyalone did must have taken some real, um, bravery.

8. "Balls to The Wall" by Accept, 1984

A staple of K-Tel metal compilations in the '80s, and later used in Guitar Hero Encore: Rocks the 80s, the symbolic "balls" in this song went much deeper than your average Reagan-era spandex-stuffers, according to guitarist Wolf Hoffmann:

We've always been interested in politics and in human rights and things like that, so a lot of the lyrics that we had in those days, and to the end actually, were dealing with human rights, for instance, and that's really what 'Balls To The Wall' means.

If you say so, Wolfie.

7. "Lick The Balls" by Slick Rick, 1988

It may be hard for today's youth to believe, but there once was a time when The Balls were merely cradled, jiggled, or even worse, left in shorts and ignored altogether. Thanks to the tireless campaigning of one London-born, Bronx-raised MC, however, those dark days are over.

6. "Come & Cup My Christmas Balls" by Clem, 2007

The concept of decorative "Christmas balls" allows for the artistic juxtaposition of the sacred and the profane like perhaps no other two words in the English language.

And sure, there are lots of other songs about Christmas balls, including this pretty good entry by one Goldie Driggers, and a bunch of variations on "Jingle Balls" (including one "herniated" version.)

But there's just something about Clem's combination of catchy, Tim and Eric-style grooves, weird falsetto and vaguely Eurotrash accents that sets the Balls-Bar™ pretty high. (The fact that the title also contains the words "come" and "cup" doesn't hurt, either.)

5. "P.Y.T. (Pretty Young Thing)" by Michael Jackson, 1982

What? Too soon?

4. "The Ball Song" by Elmo, year unknown

Okay, I know I said in the intro that I would only include songs about "balls" plural, but for such an enthusiastic and unabashed balls-lover* as Sesame Street's Elmo, I must make an exception.

*Evidence
Exhibit A: At the beginning of the above video, he proclaims, "Elmo really likes balls, too."
Exhibit B: Elmo has an entire book about balls, called Elmo's World: Balls!. Here's a description:

Boing! Boing! Elmo is having a ball! Peek underneath the big flaps to find bouncy balls of different sizes and shapes.

3. "Chocolate Salty Balls (P.S. I Love You)" by South Park's "Chef" (a.k.a. Isaac Hayes), 1998

There's probably not a creature in Xenu's entire Galactic Confederacy who hasn't seen this baking-themed song performed by South Park Elementary School's cartoon lunchroom honcho...but have you seen it performed live, in the flesh, by the funkiest Scientologist in the universe himself, for a crowd of thousands at the annual Glastonbury festival?

Yeah, that's what I thought.

2. "Big Balls" by AC/DC, 1976

Regarding songs about balls, when it comes to sheer volume AC/DC is the undisputed champ, giving us "She's Got Balls," "Got You by The Balls," "Ballbreaker" and "Snowballed" - but it's this effervescent 1976 satire of high society that reigns supreme. This song was so ballsy, in fact, that it took five years for it to be shipped from Australia to America, where the album Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap was finally released in 1981. Those really are some Big Balls.

Rather than footage of AC/DC, though, I chose this Spongebob Squarepants video version, which thankfully contains exactly zero shots of a 70-year-old guy in schoolboy shorts, so you'll just have to take their word for how big they are.

1. "Great Balls of Fire" by Jerry Lee Lewis, 1957

The Godfather of all other songs about balls, this prototypical rocker by "The Killer" cracked the top three on Billboard's pop, R&B and country charts, proving the universal appeal of balls and giving decades of musicians something to write about besides girls, cars and goofy dances.

Contrary to popular belief, the title is not a euphemism for the scrotal irritation that can result from sex with an adolescent cousin, but rather a Southern expression for the Pentecostal act of speaking in tongues, which is arguably even more filthy when you really think about it.

So there they are. Are your favorite musical balls feeling neglected? Bust 'em out and dangle 'em in the comments below!

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13 Comments

By the way, in another example of the stars and planets (even more balls) aligning, I could not have asked for a more perfect segue than the previous post:

http://www.yesbutnobutyes.com/archives/2009/09/the_full_packag.html

Thanks, Miss C!

said Jeem on September 2, 2009 11:44 AM.

#11 or #1, AC/DC's Big Balls

Features the classic line: "We've got the biggest balls of them!"
And "My balls are always bouncing to the left and to the right."

said Baierman on September 2, 2009 12:33 PM.

Got those balls as #2, which I really debated about for a while, actually. In the end, though, I had to go with Jerry Lee Lewis's balls for sheer historical significance.

said Jeem on September 2, 2009 12:44 PM.

Sorry, spongebob screwed me up.

said Baierman on September 2, 2009 2:07 PM.

Yeah, he'll do that to ya.

said Jeem on September 2, 2009 2:37 PM.

I was slowly scrolling down, and almost got pissed when AC/DC was #2. then i saw number one and understood. Where would the balls be without The Killer? truly a historic moment in the history of balls.

said Sheriff Pablo on September 2, 2009 8:39 PM.

Exactly! Glad you agree, and that we've been spared your Great Balls of Ire, Sheriff P.

said Jeem on September 3, 2009 12:02 PM.

Am i really that much of an asshole?

ah well...Can't be helped I guess.

said Sheriff Pablo on September 3, 2009 2:14 PM.

Not at all, man - I just thought it was funny that someone would "almost get pissed" at a post on songs about balls. But hey, we're a passionate bunch.

said Jeem on September 3, 2009 5:17 PM.

Baby, You Sure Like to Ball ...Marvin Gaye
Basketball Jones...Cheech and Chong
Good Golly Miss Molly...Little Richard
I've Got A Lovely Bunch of Coconuts...Merv Griffin (same concept, only more subtle).

said G on September 7, 2009 11:45 PM.

All great songs, but see intro re: singular "ball" and songs about "nuts."

Does Little Richard mention balls in that one? I only remember him wailing on about "da bone."

said Jeem on September 8, 2009 5:12 PM.

You know, Good Golly Miss Molly...she sure likes to ball!

said G on October 11, 2009 3:37 AM.

all you need are
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qz24lF_DrFw

said JrCashLovecats on January 28, 2010 7:49 PM.
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