As friend of the site Leonardo Carvalho will attest, douchebags are everywhere. And while we can all readily identify who these guys are, it seems the fairer sex has the wool pulled over them again and again. For some unknown reason, most likely due to the moon controlling both the tides and menstrual cycles, women have a penchant for dating douches. Hell, there are whole sites devoted to this phenomena. Using our vast resources and common knowledge, we've put together a list of 25 reasons the guy you're dating might be a douche. We hope this clears things up.
- He quotes LFO lyrics in Valentine's Day cards to you.
- He refers to his mother as "my moms."
- He finds any excuse to take his shirt off.
- He spent more money "tricking out" his car than the car was originally worth.
- He is Kanye West.
- He refers to the local football team as "my team" despite having no ownership of said team, nor does he support them during rebuilding years.
- On more than zero occasions, he's waxed his chest.
- He firmly believes Staten Island is a state.
- His DVD collection contains any of the Fast and the Furious oeuvre.
- He has a tattoo on his neck.
- His resume mentions how much he can bench press.
- He has no grasp of the phrase "you peaked in high school."
- He has a beer pong table in his house and is over the age of 23.
- Is (or was) involved in any form of the banking industry at some point in his life.
- He can accurately describe what the inside of a tanning bed looks like.
- He has no recollection of his SAT score, but can quote - verbatim - Dane Cook's last album.
- He purchased Fantasy Football insurance.
- He wrote a fan letter to John Cena.
- Non sarcastically, he names his genitalia after a Greek and/or Norse god.
- He uses his hairstyle to make a political statement.
- He changes his Facebook profile photo at least once a week.
- Ordering anything other than a beer at a bar invokes a "pussy" comment from him.
- His closet is filled entirely with Ed Hardy T-shirts and Von Dutch hats.
- He owns more Nickelback mp3s than toothbrushes.
- He gets visibly angry when his shoes get dirty.
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And still girls wanna date 'em...
Is it because of the money? Status? Gifts? A sum of all that? Or just a bad brain case?
That's a question to the ages Leo. But never forget that a girl that likes a douchbag is not a girl worth pursuing.
Tru dat, Ernesto... They're as empty and shallow as the douches.
Well, of course there are many good and fun things you can do with them and too them but they aren't "going steady" material.
I say we keep this going...
26. He owns the book "The Game" and has DVR'd more than zero episodes of "The Pick Up Artist."
27. The only book he has read in the last 7 years is "The Game."
28. Prefers the remix to any song.
29. He wears Dolce & Gabbana sunglasses.
30. Calls anyone "brosef" or "brosefus."
Check, check, check... score! My new husband would not even be familiar with any of these. Well, he has plenty of tattoos, but not on his neck.
31. He has skin the color of a Jaundiced Tangerine
32. You could stick his hair in a dartboard.
33. He has done either the "two in the pink, one in the stink" or "Dane Cook logo" hand gestures, or both, more than zero times.
34. He has had his tips frosted more than zero times.
35. He shaves his pubes to make his Greek/Norse-named dick appear longer.
36. He calls himself a "DJ" and the sum total of his equipment is a MacBook with iTunes.
37. He has ever bragged about having "tapped that."
38. When shooting amateur lesbian porn on his iPhone, he cannot stop narrating.
39. He has watched (and liked) or DVR'ed more than zero episodes of entourage.
40. He likes Kanye West.
41. He spends more time dressing, hair-doing and bathing in cologne than he spends time with his bitch.
42. He addresses to his girlfriend as his bitch.
Douchebags are not good lovers, ever. They're always worried about themselves and their hair-do getting messed up. No lie.
I gave them up, cold turkey.
Does downloading "Entourage" from Bittorrent count? Ah crap, that's probably even more douchey.
Oh well, time to get back to shaving the short-n-curlies from the base of Hercules Magnusson...
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Kickin' it old-school knowwhatimsayin???
Dat's right.
Downloading it gives you a First Class D.B. Membership Card. With free pass to any tanning bed available in your neighbourhood.
I always keep Zeus Wōden trimmed and shaved, but it's for hygienic purposes. It's either that, or Balla [ http://bit.ly/Lb7gS ]
43. His skin tone can accurately be described as "Cheeto."
44. He's dating the hot receptionist that you think should really be going out with you.
45. You write an artical for your blog site about how to spot a douche.
46. In every photo hes attempting 'the magnum' zoolander style
I was waiting for that one Frank. Thanks.
Your welcome Echo. I wouldn't want to let you down dude.
47. He keeps adding more and more items to the list.
Is it better for a boyfriend to be a douchebag or a scumbag?
I would say neither Baier. But its probably better to be one or the other rather than both, Cause that makes you a ballbag.
Baierman does bring up an interesting point, though -- the whole "scumbag/douchebag" dichotomy seems to have changed a great deal since the 1970s, when George Carlin defined the roles in his "New York Voices" bit: "Scumbag was a guy, douchebag was a girl, as in, 'Hey, dis scumbag, he went out last night and picked up two douchebags and didn't call me!"
I guess douchebags AND scumbags are now both male, which is a great leap for the feminist cause, right?