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The Hamptons Weekend Part IV: In the Club
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(This is Part IV in a five part series on my trip out to the Hamptons this past weekend.)

You know that friend you constantly run into at Home Depot? I have one too. Only it's not at the Home Depot. Nor is he a friend. In fact, we've never actually met. Also, my person was in American Pie and Role Models. Now, I know I'm not stalking Seann William Scott, so by process of elimination we can only assume that he's stalking me. I've seen him out in Manhattan at least four times, and it's not like I'm partying it up at fashionable places. I saw Seann near the sock wall at Filene's Basement one time. And, like clockwork, I ran into him again this past weekend at the Axe Lounge.

I'm not what you'd call a "club goer". Most nights, I'm at home adjusting my 1:32 model of the Battle of the Pelennor Fields I built in my living room. However, a few times a year I can be convinced to head behind the velvet rope and get my swerve on*. And with Axe picking up the tab, I couldn't pass it up.

I'd been drinking steadily all afternoon. I'd been drinking steadily all night as well. So when we left for the Axe Lounge at 11:30pm - I was ready to go. Forget the dangers of operating a car, I was so drunk I couldn't operate a toothbrush. A quick brush past the intimidating looking bouncers outside the club, and several photos on the red carpet, and we were ready to party.

Table service is ridiculous in the city. One bottle can cost between $150-300. So imagine my surprise when our crew showed up to the club and found ourselves sitting at four tables with 3 different bottles on each. And just as we got our bearings amidst the trust funders and celebutants, sparklers were lit on the other side of the room and carried, along with bottles of champagne, by waitresses straight out of the Victoria's Secret catalog, to our table. The Black Eyed Peas' "I Gotta Feeling" plays through the speakers and, while it could have been my drunken haze, no single song has ever felt so apropos.

I'm not what anyone would call a good dancer. My dance floor moves are a rough mix of early 90s New Kids on the Block and stiff white guy "hands over the head" shenanigans. But when I'm drunk, I'm quite certain that everyone thinks I'm the greatest dancer on the planet. Everyone is looking at me. They're studying my moves to use later on. They imagine which member of Gossip Girl I'm currently dating.

It's when someone breaks out the wooden spoon and places it in my mouth for fear that I'm having an Epileptic seizure that I realize my moves may not be that awesome. But with approximately four gallons of champagne in me - I don't really care.

The night was a blur. But the one thing I do remember are these girls dancing on a raised stage and taking a picture of me. I don't know why, but seeing them I realized I had one single goal in my life.

I wanted to high five them.

It was my mission. A freakin' high-five. And here are the issues with this:
  1. What type of woman would want a high-five? They didn't just score a touchdown in Flag Football.
  2. What had my earlier sensitivity training told me about a girl's want for a high five?
  3. I have a girlfriend who I have absolutely no intention of cheating on. Let's assume for one small second that these girls are smitten by my high-five. What then? I tell them "great game" and continue with the night?
So I did. I went over. They took a photo with me. I high-fived them, and continued with the night. No exchange of names or numbers. Just a brief hand slap. Walking away I should have felt like a douche. But, because I'm so fueled up on alcohol, I feel as if I'm the coolest guy in the planet.

A frickin' high-five. It's true. I'm equal parts idiot and ass.

I can't reveal all the other stories from the night. People have jobs they need to keep. Marriages they want to keep. But the club was jumping until 4am. It was amazing. I still can't hear very well. I lost weight due to all the dancing. But ultimately it was completely and totally worth it.

*By "swerve" I mean the Electric Slide.
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2 Comments

I was pretty sure I had you beat in the running for "biggest prick" but that high five may have put you clearly and permanently in the lead.

said Mr. Brightside on August 13, 2009 1:26 PM.

Damn dude. That's a lot of words.

I am impressed with your ability to turn a weekend in the Hampdens into War and Peace.

said E on August 13, 2009 2:14 PM.
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