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The Hamptons Weekend Part III: The Spa
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(This is Part III in a five part series on my trip out to the Hamptons this past weekend.)

I'm sitting poolside, drinking a beer, and I'm fully content. It could be the food, or the remnants of the wine tasting, but I don't want to move. I want to sit in this chair forever. Just as my eyes begin to close, Mo grabs his Blackberry and says he has good news and bad news.

The bad? I have to leave.

The good? I have to go to the spa.

I'm handed a glass of champagne as I walk into the Ananas Spa in Southampton. With glass in hand, I'm escorted to a room to receive a full-body scrub. Suddenly, I'm having flashbacks to my last experience with a massage. Though without my girlfriend next to me, I'm pulling a solo mission. And given that I'm already well on my way to being drunk, I'll have no problem relaxing.

That is until I'm introduced to the "disposable bikini."

Imagine a square inch of mostly translucent cellophane attached to a rubber band. When my masseuse informs me that I'll have to put it on - I laugh. Mostly at the absurdity of how small it is. But she looks at me very seriously and says, "It's company policy." She then walks out of the room, informing me she'll be back in a few minutes.

We're all friends here. Let's call it like it is. I'd never win a "largest penis award". (Maybe the "largest prick award" but that's about it.) But there was no way the disposable bikini would come close to covering even 20% of what's going on down there. And it didn't. Holy crap did it not. It was almost comical.

Slightly exposed, and lacking all confidence, I was sandwiched between two towels when my masseuse came back into the room. She explained the treatment I was about to receive. A full body scrub would remove all the dead skin cells, and it would be finished off with Axe's new sensitive skin body wash.

And just about every single inch of my body was scrubbed, save for that small inch of acreage covering the important parts. When it was over, it felt as if I'd lost three or four pounds and several layers of skin. Removing once and for all the disposable bikini, I put my clothes back on and was escorted out to the manicure area.

I've never had a manicure before. Ever. And I didn't know what to expect. But sitting down in the chair, I had the same fear I had when I go to the dentist. At the dentist, I'm always hit with non-frequent flossing remorse. I apologize to my hygienist. I beg forgiveness. And as I was introduced to the woman who was about to clean my nails, I mentioned I was a nail biter. She smiled and gave me a look of, "we'll take care of it anyway."

Within minutes, my nails were trimmed, buffed, and ready to go. (I opted out of the polish, clear or otherwise). It's been four days, and I still haven't bitten my nails for fear I'd ruin the great job the woman did. In fact, I'm thinking of growing out my nails out to world record length.

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7 Comments

Ok, I'm calling bullshit. You had us all believing you were on some free junket just to use it as an excuse to write some freaky male domination/public nudity sex fantasy stuff.

In the next chapter you'll be writing about how the Axe people made you wear panties and get spanked by a can of their bodyspray.

"I moaned as I thought of what Scramouche would think of me. But it was true, I was a dirty manbitch."

There's websites for this sort of stuff, dude.

said Razen on August 12, 2009 11:58 AM.

Come to think of it... does anyone know how to get a ballgag out of my mouth? It's been in there for days and it's going to be awkward when I volunteer at the old folks home this afternoon.

said Echowood on August 12, 2009 12:22 PM.

Wait a minute, is that you getting your nails done? Your still a dude right?

said E on August 12, 2009 2:21 PM.

I have to agree, this is all becoming very gay - are you sure this was for Axe and not P&G's new "Lick My Love Pump, personal deodorant for guys who like guys"?

said Scaramouch on August 12, 2009 5:18 PM.

the manliest men get mani's
I was honestly surprised when I started working at a spa to see how many (very straight, very masculine) men came regularly to get services done.
I have said it before and I will say it again; there is nothing wrong with a man having good personal hygiene.
That being said, Echowood does come across a little fruity, no offence man.

said Evangeline on August 12, 2009 9:11 PM.

"I was honestly surprised when I started working at a spa to see how many (very straight, very masculine) men came regularly to get services done."

..ya, those guys were gay.

said Razen on August 13, 2009 9:38 AM.

The Leather Guy from the Village People would know.

said E on August 13, 2009 11:15 AM.
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