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Pluto Still Not a Planet, What Else Could Be Robbed Of It's Identity?
pluto.jpgIt was three years ago today that astronomers downgraded, demoted and took a dump on the planet Pluto. Poor Pluto is still just a "dwarf planet." Not cool, scientists. Not cool.

At first I thought this wasn't so bad. Perhaps like in humans, being a dwarf makes a celestial body more hilarious. I've watched Pluto closely. She doesn't seem more funny. Maybe it would help if she rode a tricycle or something.

Many are still unhappy with the unfair demotion. There is even an online petition that can be signed in the hopes of getting Pluto reinstated to it's proper title. I've signed it. What's right is right.

This morning I began to think what would happen if there were other facts that I thought I knew to be true were stripped of their validity.

I hope I'm not alive to see these potential news stories.

SEVEN WONDERS OF THE ANCIENT WORLD NOW SIX
In a surprising development, The Colossus of Rhodes is no longer considered a "Wonder of the Ancient World," bringing the official count of Wonders to six. Scholars met in Athens this week and determined that the structure that was destroyed by earthquake in 226 BC does not inspire "wonder" anymore. Said historian Ricky Bartokomis, "I'm sure in 300 BC it was a pretty big deal, but we discovered that not too many people had ever heard of it." Possible promotion for The World's Largest Ball of String to a Wonder is currently being debated.

larry1b.jpgTHREE STOOGES ARE THREE NO LONGER
Hundreds of comedians and writers met in Los Angeles Wednesday to discuss the possibility of the Three Stooges becoming two. In a close vote, the group decided that Larry Fine was not all that funny. His performances were examined and while Fine did get hit in the head with a saw an awful lot, he did not produce enough "nyuk nyuks" and "why I oughta's" to maintain has status as "stooge." "We feel that Larry Fine, while being fairly amusing, is more accurately described as a doofus, not a stooge," said Hollywood legend Carl Reiner. All Stooges films will now be re-titled "Two Stooges and a Doofus." Special Edition DVD's of the films will be available this November and will reflect the decision.

HOLIDAY CAROL "12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS" ALTERED
The tune will remain the same, but the lyrics of "The 12 Days of Christmas" will be different. Officially, there will now be 11 Days of Christmas. A group of former Tin Pan Alley songwriters and a large contingency of octogenarian women who collect ceramic Santa Claus's decided that "10 Lords a' Leaping will no longer be considered an official lyric. Ruth Husslebee, whose Christmas knick-knack collection has been entered into three state fairs, had this to say, "Seriously, what the blazes is a Lord a' Leaping? Nobody knows what that is. It doesn't make any sense." While it's nearly impossible to patrol Christmas carolers, the group hopes that door-to-door holiday revelers will respect the lyric ruling. Adds Husslebee, "most of them sing 'Jingle Bells' anyway."

Speaking of Christmas...

IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE NOT THAT WONDERFUL
In a shocking turn of events, the American Film Institute has demoted the 1946 film It's A Wonderful Life from "perennial Christmas classic" to "decent holiday film." American Film Institute spokesman Will Copperpot said, "We know that there are many who love this film. But it's pretty old and let's face it, when Jimmy Stewart runs through Bedford Falls wishing Merry Christmas to inanimate objects, it's really corny. We think people should watch Christmas Vacation instead. That Cousin Eddie is hilarious." How this decision affects NBC showing the film on television every year is not yet known.

And finally...

Hasselbeck.jpg NFL ADJUSTS SCORING SYSTEM
In a decision that will forever alter football history, NFL owners have voted that a touchdown has been worth five points, not six, all along. This new scoring system will take affect immediately and will apply to past NFL games retroactively. "It's a shocker," said All-Pro Quarterback Peyton Manning. Added Raiders owner Al Davis, "a lot of us are really old, we like a more round sounding number. Five just feels better. Six is weird." A large group of NFL staffers are going through past games and adjusting wins and losses. It is possible that hundreds of Super Bowl rings will be taken back and redistributed to the new winners. "It's not that bad," said Seattle Seahawks quarterback Matt Hasselbeck, "it turns out we were in the playoffs last year."

Three years on, Pluto the Planet: Gone but not forgotten.

Selah...

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9 Comments

I hear there's also a committee working on renaming historical leaders, starting with Ivan The Kind of a Jerk and Alexander The Meh.

said Jeem on August 24, 2009 2:16 PM.

"The Meh." That killed me.

said Johnny Wright on August 24, 2009 2:34 PM.

Pluto never stopped being a planet. The demotion was not done by "astronomers" as a united community but by four percent of the IAU, most of whom are not planetary scientists. It was immediately rejected by hundreds of professional astronomers in a formal petition led by Dr. Alan Stern, Principal Investigator of NASA's New Horizons mission to Pluto.

Facts do not change because a small group, even of professional astronomers, issue a decree. Pluto is a planet because it is spherical, meaning it is large enough to be pulled into a round shape by its own gravity--a state known as hydrostatic equilibrium and characteristic of planets, not of shapeless asteroids held together by chemical bonds. These reasons are why many astronomers, lay people, and educators are either ignoring the demotion entirely or working to get it overturned. Using this broader definition gives our solar system 13 planets and counting: Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Ceres, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto, Haumea, Makemake, and Eris.

said Laurel on August 24, 2009 5:22 PM.

I appreciate that Laurel since you are obviously smarter than I am, but if I went by that thinking I wouldn't be able to make my bad jokes. Come on, NFL scoring changed? That's gold. We're siding with sarcasm over science.

But I do thank you for reading.

JW

said Johnny Wright on August 24, 2009 5:32 PM.

To Pluto is Mickey Mouses dog. There's nothing wrong with that.

said E on August 24, 2009 6:29 PM.

What is next?

Stephenie Meyer, the literate pulizter prize winner?

President Paris Hilton?

said Cory on August 24, 2009 6:43 PM.

What indeed could be next?

Elvis was merely the Viscount?

Aretha Franklin is the Princess of Soul?

said buddz on August 24, 2009 11:05 PM.

Those are things I don't want to see fellas.

said Johnny Wright on August 25, 2009 12:45 AM.

Our solar system has a planet called Makemake?
Wiki states that this dwarf planet was originally named "Easter Bunny".
How adorable!
And yet with names like Makemake and Uranus, were the outer planets in fact discovered by a team of 2nd graders?

said Chad on August 25, 2009 6:25 AM.
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