ornate line
25 New Rules for the Modern Woman
We're about to get a lot of letters. I can feel it.

As much as we want to be handed a martini when coming home from work, and watch as our well-showered kids are seated politely and quietly at the dinner table and as our stunningly beautiful wife brings out a plate of exceptionally cooked food - life just isn't an episode of Mad Men.

But things have gotten a bit out of hand. I say this as I stare at the jumbo box of tampons I ran out to get in the middle of the night for my girlfriend. While women should and NEED to have equal rights and pay, some things need to change. A few of the guys around the office got together and came up with this list of 25 New Rules for the Modern Woman.

  1. If the show hasn't been DVR'd or the cable is unable to "pause" the show, you'll need to speak to us after the program has finished. Especially if it's Entourage.
  2. Yes, we aren't sure why we like Entourage either, but we do. We gave you Carrie and her whore-friends for years, let us have Vince and his boys.
  3. Phone conversations need to be kept to a maximum of one and a half minutes, especially if we will see you in the next two hours. Anything you can say to us can be said to our faces. Or just send us an e-mail. Especially if Entourage is on.
  4. You are forbidden from discussing our eating/drinking/dressing habits with our mothers.
  5. Like your orgasms, please fake excitement when we show you how to kill prostitutes in Grand Theft Auto.
  6. As long as it isn't shit on a stick, we don't care what's for dinner.
  7. We'd prefer not to know the details of you and your friends' menstrual cycles.
  8. If you want the bed made, why not do it yourself?
  9. We aren't too old for video games. We're the first generation that had video games, therefore we're pioneers when it comes to them. Expect us to play them well into our 80s.
  10. Just because we brag about the sound and/or potency of our farts doesn't mean you're welcome to do the same.
  11. All that talk about anal sex causing rectal cancer is total and complete bullshit.
  12. We are not to be bothered during Shark Week.
  13. Please, for the love of all that's good and holy in the world, don't even consider getting Kate Gosselin's haircut.
  14. When you hand out a nickname for our genitalia, it should not end in an "ie" or a "y". Also, it's best if the name references a force of nature like thunder or a hurricane.
  15. Even if you can drink us under the table, please don't. Especially in front of our friends.
  16. There's no need to point out that you're taller than us with heels on.
  17. Those naked photos of our ex-girlfriends? We only keep them around to remind us how great you are. No need to freak out and threaten decapitation.
  18. When you get that "monthly visitor" maybe it's time we revisit an oft forgotten practice. Namely, reinstating "blowjob week".
  19. We are to go to Las Vegas and Amsterdam alone.
  20. It's best if you only work with female trainers at the gym. We don't want to hear about Lars with the tank-top helping you do squats.
  21. When we're handling solo duties on the lead vocals of a Bon Jovi song in the car ... it's just that. A solo. There's no dueting in Jovi. Wait until we break out the Indigo Girls for your crack at lead vocals.
  22. Leaving us alone with your father for 18 holes is cruel, especially when we're sure he thinks we're a pussy.
  23. In fact, don't leave us alone with any of your family. This is most important if, for some reason, we're shooting skeet.
  24. Nothing makes you look fat. Nothing. Don't even ask.
  25. If your boyfriend writes a list of 25 new rules for the modern woman and publishes it on a pop culture blog - the rules apply to other women. Not you. You're perfect. And I'll make sure to pick up your dry-cleaning this afternoon.
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Mmmmmkay... The pussy clause...
Too brave to vomit 24 manly-made rules just to go yellow and bend over in the end...
I should have seen it coming when I read the word "Entourage" more than once. Add to it the fact that you know the full name of Kate ClownCarPussy AND that the way she scrambles her hair is somehow a trend.

Don't start the GTA talk on us... we now you only play "Care Bears Rescue Barbie" and "Hello Kitty: The Quest for the Pussy in Boots".


said Leonardo Carvalho on August 6, 2009 10:38 AM.

Started off okay, but ended up being a big sopping kleenex full of insecurity. Consider your man-cards under review.

said limbodog on August 6, 2009 11:12 AM.

You sure you didn't mean to type this up for the Morning Radio Drive Time Laff Minute with Scooter and The Poot? This is weak. Cliche after cliche, nothing new here aside from substituting "football" with "Entourage." I've read funnier e-mail forwards from my father-in-law.

said dukerayburn on August 6, 2009 11:37 AM.

Just the fact that you men decided to make a list of rules for women to live by... that's not okay. It's fine as a cute little joke, but if taken seriously, this list is... agian, not okay.
I particularily have a problem with "blowjob week". Cause you know, all cramping, back and head-achy, bleeding, swollen women want to hunch over their guys and perform repetitive up and down motions for zero payoff.
Also, if I found a picture of a naked ex (just to remind us how awesome you are?? Shenanigans!), the only retribution I can imagine would be severe enough would be an afternoon out hunting with dad. Alone. Where there's no one to hear you scream.
And finally, if men are allowed to talk to their ladies about their gas, bowel movements, or any other bodily function, just man up and nod when your girlfriend complains about her menstrual cycle. They hurt, and we need support sometimes.
I second Leonardo's *facepalm*.

said ruffledmind on August 6, 2009 11:38 AM.

Most of these 'rules' could be shifted to point at men as well.

"Like your orgasms, please fake excitement when we show you how to kill prostitutes in Grand Theft Auto."
How about you pretend to be appreciative when someone goes to the effort to make you food?

*sigh* As declared by the statement "We're about to get a lot of letters. I can feel it." it's seems anyone commenting will either 'not get the joke' or will be jerking their knee like a musician in a square dance band.

Here's the deal. It's not whether it's right or wrong or respectful. It's just not funny. Comedians were making jokes like this in the 70's.

Oh-ho-ho, crass feigned sexism is so /edgy/.


said jmanna on August 6, 2009 11:53 AM.

how about just one new rule. you and your posse don't get to make any more rules echo.


said phatlard on August 6, 2009 12:17 PM.

"Morning Radio Drive Time Laff Minute with Scooter and The Poot?"

that shit made me laugh.

said Razen on August 6, 2009 12:31 PM.

Wow. You have a really disturbing view of what being manliness is. I am really hoping that this is meant as some big joke. I mean blowjob week is nothing but a selfish and gross approach to dealing with something that is part of nature.

Also, you can have pictures of ex girlfriends and expect her not to get angry, but she better not get a professional (who is only helping her out, not wanting to sleep with her) to help her get into shape? You have some deep seeded trust issues, double standards don't work.

said sladestrife on August 6, 2009 12:46 PM.

I know what's going to make me rich... glasses that interprets jokes--even un-funnies--, cures (temporarily) the linear thinking and with sarcasm/irony detection.

said Leonardo Carvalho on August 6, 2009 1:01 PM.

Hmm..guess they didn't get the humor..
That being said, I know a few guys (my hubby not being one of them) who think these are the rules to live by and that just sucks.

said Cindy on August 6, 2009 1:46 PM.

Sounds positively Baptist.

said Miss Cellania on August 6, 2009 2:13 PM.

I love Cindy's pretty blue comments. I can't seem to sign in with Facebook because I'm always already signed in!

said Miss Cellania on August 6, 2009 2:14 PM.

Wait... this is a comedy blog? Aw crap... looks like I'm in the wrong place again.

said Echowood on August 6, 2009 4:05 PM.

Oh Echo,
You got anal raped on this one buddy.
But to the ladies saying women get nothing out of blow jobs. Bollocks. You get a nice warm load is what you get. Be greatful.
Your welcome.

said Frank the Tank on August 6, 2009 4:43 PM.

See Echo, I think you've been having problems since you "chilled" in Amsterdam...

said Leonardo Carvalho on August 6, 2009 4:43 PM.

Hah, Frank. You win, buddy.

said Leonardo Carvalho on August 6, 2009 4:46 PM.

I'd like to take this opportunity to remind all the ladies that I never really liked Echowood.

I'll be staying late this evening in case anyone needs to talk.

said Tim on August 6, 2009 4:52 PM.

I don't think an issue has divided us so strongly since we naively suggested that Sarah Palin wasn't a fit candidate to be a heartbeat away from the red button.

And Miss C - as our sole female writer, was this really the thread on which to proclaim how pretty the blue bubbles are?

said Scaramouch on August 6, 2009 5:00 PM.

@ Echowood Fuck the haters man.
@ The_haters lighten up gals, it's satirical.

"We aren't too old for video games. We're the first generation that had video games, therefore we're pioneers when it comes to them. Expect us to play them well into our 80s."

Amen to that! Of course being alive enough to play on the true first generation gaming machines (Coleco, IntelliVision, Commodore 64, and eventually into the Atari and Nintendo era) doesn't quite make us pioneers. But the great sages and historians of the world don't stop seeking wisdom just because a few girls think we should have "outgrown" that "stage" by now.

said Jimbo on August 6, 2009 6:45 PM.

Tim - Nicely played. That's bringing your A game.

said E on August 6, 2009 6:55 PM.

Once the video of EchoSportingWood in public surfaced, I knew the best of times had passed.

said Tim on August 6, 2009 7:22 PM.

Whoever wrote this is a complete fucking pussy. Sorry dude, but that's the way it is. If your girl can drink you under the table, and you're afraid to play golf with her father, you're just a gaping hole. Stand up and be a man, author.

said tdamon on August 8, 2009 3:38 AM.
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