After 25 new rules for women from Echowood and then 25 new rules from Razen, Scaramouch has been waiting for the other shoe to drop. He expects me to come up with "25 New Rules for the Modern Man". I don't think so. Far be it for me to tell anyone what to do. I was hesitant to even call what I wrote "rules", but I have to continue the flow of today's posts somehow. So here's more advice for women.
1. Don't criticize a man's choice in television. Get a second TV, put it in a nice comfy room with, maybe the bedroom, and watch by yourself. How much time he spends alone will depend on HIS choices.
2. Keep the thermostat low in winter, high in the summer. If he wants the air on all the time, he pays the bill. If you get really uncomfortable, go visit the gym. Lars keeps the temperature just right.
3. Spend time with your family, but don't take him. Spend LOTS of time with your family. Especially when they meet up at the Hamptons.
4. Let him play with his little butt plug. You can always watch TV in the other room. Or read a romance novel on your Kindle, with a vibrator.
5. If he doesn't like to fold clothes, then he doesn't need his clothing folded.
6. If he's got something against cats, maybe you should get some pet rats instead. Keep them in the kitchen.
7. Take advantage of his offer to hire a maid. That's nice.
8. Treat his mother better than he does. She'll be on your side someday.
9. If he nags you about smoking or drinking, go do it somewhere else. Far far away. Take your time.
10. If he doesn't want to give you orgasms, they can be had elsewhere.
11. Don't talk to a man while he watches TV. Just go ahead and make decisions on your own, especially about what new car to buy.
12. The old rule was good enough for firehouses and cattle drives: the one who complains about food becomes the cook.
13. Your menstrual cycle is none of his business. You can lie about it to your convenience.
14. He doesn't need to make the bed. He's sleeping on the couch anyway.
15. Never call him. He doesn't like that. He would rather you not think about him at all when you aren't together. This goes for when you're in your private TV room, too. Or at the gym.
16. Remember to always protect a man's ego. The real winner is the one who feels no need to compete.
17. Please don't copy Kate Gosselin's haircut. Let him think you are avoiding this one for his sake.
18. Give up heels. If he likes them, he can take you someplace to make them worth it.
19. What are you going to make for dinner? Reservations.
20. Keep quiet about Lars at the gym. If he asks, just smile.
21. When he starts to sing in the car, open the window. If he doesn't stop, throw the CD out. Or the radio.
22. Let him go to the Hamptons and Amsterdam without you. When he returns, listen while he tells you of his adventures. A few days later, he'll think to ask what you did while he was gone. Say "Oh, nothing," and smile.
23. Cute names for his genitalia are OK, as long as you only mention them during family get-togethers (remember, he doesn't go) and hen parties. What he doesn't know won't hurt him.
24. Speak less. It will flummox him. When he asks why, just smile.
25. If all else fails, take him to visit your hot cousin. The one he ogles. The buxom manic-depressive shopaholic cousin. All he knows is the buxom part, since he doesn't spend time your family. Make him happy.
These came to me in about five minutes' time (I've been napping). I may add more in the comments as I think of them.
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Sooooo,
No Turkey Pot Pie?
(RIP John Hughes)
Never make your woman angry... They can be mean...
True dat Leo. One little joke and they stop ironing your shirts.
Shakes head. Women, who can figger em out?
Hats off... come on, you know they own us...
I love you, Miss C. You're my hero :)
Miss C, you are my queen! I love it. And you used one of my favoritest words...flummox. You RULE!
you see how women rules are done now echo? nicely done miss c.
duno why, but a quote from eric cartman lept into my head. "now get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie!"
somehow, i don't think eric gets much lady action.
And this, fellow readers, is why Miss Cellania is probably the best writer we've ever had. A thing of beauty.
Good lord Miss C...You're Evil, And i Like it!
Girls are mean.
Girls can be mean.
And when they get married, they practice torture techniques passed down from mother to daughter and heretofore never thought up.
Girls are smarter than boys because they are insecure about themselves and must crush anyone who likes them.
Fact.
I think we can safely say that we've now got 75 easy convenient ways to bring about your own divorce, thanks to all three of you!