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25 NEW New Rules for the Modern Woman
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We're about to get a lot of letters. And I don't give a fuck. Echowood painted a target, I'm just pulling the trigger.

1. Don't fuck with the TIVO at all. Go watch your stupid fucking cat videos on the computer.

2. Entourage is for pussies. Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job is funny shit and your a stupid bitch for not liking it.

3. Leave the thermostat alone. It's not too cold. Wear a fucking sweater.

4. I don't give a shit about your family. Except your 18 year old cousin, I'd fuck her.

5. Speaking of fucking, some of your friends are hot. I'd fuck them too.

6. A butt plug isn't a game, it's serious business.

7. Yes, I'm looking at porn, and yes, there's a reason you keep running low on hand lotion.

8. I hate your cat and would drown it in the toilet if I thought you would believe it was an accident.

9. Folding clothes is for pussies.

10. Cleaning in general is for pussies. That's why God invented cheap immigrant maids.

11. No, your mom can not come visit. Not unless she's bringing along your cousin with the big titties.

12. No you can't watch Home and Garden TV. That shit is gay.

13. Maybe your cousin needs to get away from her family. Why don't you give her a call?

14. Yes, I'm smoking A GODDAMN CIGARETTE. QUIT NAGGING ME.

15. God, I wish you were a fudge Popsicle.

16. Stop breaking shit and asking me to fix it. That's why God gave immigrant maid's husbands.

17. Look I bought you that Goddamn vibrator, what more do you want from me?

18. That bikini would look good on your cousin.

19. Yes, I'm MAINLINING HEROIN. QUIT NAGGING ME.

20. When you think I'm listening to you talk, I'm really fantasying about fucking Megan Fox.

21. Keep it up and I'm ordering that ball gag I showed you.

22. What part of 'open marriage' don't you understand?

23. If you were bulimic we could save money on groceries.

24. Instead of having children how about we adopt a set of bi-curious incestuous Asian twins?

25. Yes, I'm HUFFING PAINT OFF A STRIPPERS LEFT TIT. QUIT NAGGING ME.

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12 Comments

Bulimics don't save money on groceries. Other than that I think you make astute, thoughtful observations. I am going to print this out and post a copy on my bedroom doors so the ladies know upfront what's the business.

Thanks for the real talk brother.

said E on August 6, 2009 1:31 PM.

You make me sick, slimeball..

;)

said Cindy on August 6, 2009 1:48 PM.

And you wonder why we don't get big name advertisers like Ford, Unilever or Proctor and Gamble.

said Scaramouch on August 6, 2009 1:56 PM.

I second the cat's part.

said Leonardo Carvalho on August 6, 2009 2:09 PM.

Actually, I kind of doubt you'll get many comments because this type of humor is so 1989, isn't it? It was already kind of tired when Andrew Dice Clay was doing it. Now it's just a lame schtick, and people see through it. Move on.

said RodneyWelch on August 6, 2009 2:12 PM.

Outside the box, people... Outside the box...

said Leonardo Carvalho on August 6, 2009 2:16 PM.

Actually, there's not much point wasting money on soon-to-be-bulimicized food -- if you just follow Rule #2 and indoctrinate her in the gospel of T&E, she will realize that all food is POISON! Problem solved.

said Jeem on August 6, 2009 2:19 PM.

meh....

come on, you guys can do better

said vondra on August 6, 2009 2:21 PM.

waiting for Miss C to post 25 new rules for men....

said Scaramouch on August 6, 2009 2:32 PM.

Well you'd be batting 333 if she does it and it's funny. Fudge popsicle is a good line, though, I'll admit that.

I don't take issue with the misogyny in either of these posts, in this one it's clearly satirical, and in the other one, sure, there's a market for it. Make your pitch. I just want my comedy websites to be funny, that's all. That first post wasn't, this one was mostly just shocking words strung together.

said dukerayburn on August 6, 2009 5:46 PM.

Making up rules for men is a good way to get rid of a guy. Just like making up rules for women will ensure that you sleep alone.

said Miss Cellania on August 6, 2009 6:14 PM.

Not the kitties!
>.>

said Evangeline on August 6, 2009 10:38 PM.
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