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US Senator: Hell No to Centaurs & Mermaids!
Vliegende centaur.jpgDATELINE: Middle Earth

This is going to sound like I'm making it up. That your old pal J-Dub is having a laugh with you. Except I'm not this clever. So it will sound like something The Onion made up.

Kansas Senator Sam Brownback has introduced the "Human-Animal Hybrid Prohibition Act of 2009." The proposed bill will ban the creation of human-animal hybrids. Well it's about time.

Says Senator Brownback:
This legislation works to ensure that our society recognizes the dignity and sacredness of human life. Creating human-animal hybrids, which permanently alter the genetic makeup of an organism, will challenge the very definition of what it means to be human and is a violation of human dignity and a grave injustice.

Oh the humanity. Believe it or not, this crackpot bill has 22 co-sponsors including John McCain. Perhaps these Senators have some secret knowledge about mad scientists fusing Fiji Mermaids and other half-man, half-beasts. Perhaps they know what the hell is going on with Montauk Monster and the Plum Island Animal Disease Center. Or... it could be this is the dumbest freaking thing I have ever heard.

Our country has actual problems, Senators. Minotaurs goring pedestrians on the Upper West Side is not one of them. Tell you what, you morons stop wasting time and tax dollars worrying about merman and try tackling education, the economy and health care, and I'll cover the wisecracks about the Chimera. Deal? Good.

Idiots...

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24 Comments

as weird as this all seemed at first, i'm just not so sure now. i can't tell you how many times in my adult life i've seen clusterfucks that involved the goverment one way or the other. some have left me wondering, how on earth couldn't someone have seen this coming? if only someone had thought ahead, we could have avoided this mess. maybe this one time they got it right JW. maybe 20 years from now we'll be happy about it and think, it's about time someone thought ahead.

just because there is a ban on something doesn't mean ya can't keep doing it. they made it illegal to kill people but that happens every day still.

said phatlard on July 15, 2009 7:05 AM.

Looks like someone has just watched The Island of Dr. Moreau--I strongly doubt he has read the book.

Seriously, maybe he's thinking about those researches on pig's organs being used on humans alongside with the stem cells researches. Or maybe he's just a visionary who has had a dream where in the future evil companies will mix humans and animals to use the best of each in a crossbred race. Like mixing politicians and dolphins, to add the dolphin's intelligence to the politicians skills of never being caught. That would be a dangerous race. Imagine that... an intelligent politician... where is this world going to end?

said Leonardo Carvalho on July 15, 2009 8:14 AM.

the guys out there hoping for the biggest breakthrough in chick pulling since the dawn of time, the baby-puppy hybrid, are going to be pissed.

said Evangeline on July 15, 2009 9:12 AM.

Maybe he just watched Jurassic Park and think amphibian DNA could one day be used to create a race of Veloci-Humans.

said Baierman on July 15, 2009 9:17 AM.

This is unpatriotic. If we abandon this research, we leave the field wide open to the Chinese and Indians. The Indians have a mythology to work with that is way more advanced in this area than ours. They've got a human with the head of a elephant for god's sake. We never thought of that.

said Tincase on July 15, 2009 9:31 AM.

Maybe "creating human-animal hybrids" as he refers on the bill, is more concerned with the redneckish habit of cow-luvin, sheep-luvin, (insert_animal_here)-luvin...
Or he has been following our forum threads and is worried about Tim and his monkey-love sessions with the PFC girls.

said Leonardo Carvalho on July 15, 2009 9:31 AM.

While I am laughing at the comments, this is actually a serious issue and could have big ramifications.

Example: I have a friend who's 4 month old was diagnosed with a mitral valve defect in his heart. Because this doesn't happen a lot at this age, there is not enough of a "financial justification" to develop medical equipment to service the need, and the Dr. recommended at pig heart valve... under this new law, that is no longer a viable option, and this child has to live in a hospital for the next 6-12 months until his heart is large enough to accept the artificial valve.

Scenerio number to is all of the medical advances that are being made with stem cells and the "incurable" diseases that some how being cured outside of traditional medicine.

There is no money to be made by health care if people are healthy, so it is in "everyone's" best interest to keep us sick and squelch natural cures and alternative medicine...

This bill is being

said Question_Authority on July 15, 2009 9:37 AM.

If that's the thing from the forum that has them the most worried, then they either have a very warped sense of humor, or haven't read enough forum posts. There's things in there that'll turn your hair white...

said Sheriff Pablo on July 15, 2009 9:38 AM.

And the Chinese farmer Mee Fuk Peeg has (almost) succeeded in creating a cross-breed between him and his favourite sow. [as seen on this picture: http://bit.ly/4Ijer ]
In his defence, he said he was heavily drunk that night and the sow, nasty as she is, started playing games with him and last he remembers, they were naked on bed in the next morning. That what HE said. No one heard her version of the facts.

said Leonardo Carvalho on July 15, 2009 9:40 AM.

Question_Authority, I'm all pro these researches, once they're proved not harm to us and if I had a million clams, i'd put this money on that, especially if they could do something about cancer. And I hope your friend's kid can have his heart fixed.

But if they're really worried about this case, it's no wonder, because they profit from pharmaceutical industry and their neverending researches and their lobbies to try and stop cheaper--and sometimes better--ways to treat or cure some illnesses...

And Sheriff, indeed we can whiten one's hair with the forum, but I have heard about a guy whose balls fell on the floor after reading some of our posts. He could never get it 'on place' again...

said Leonardo Carvalho on July 15, 2009 9:51 AM.

This demands only one response:

Listens of Skullcrusher Mountain, on the h(H)ouse!

said Don't Swayze Bro on July 15, 2009 10:23 AM.

I hope it doesn't pass. I can't speak for everyone, but I know I have been looking forward to teh day I can go to the strip club and see dancers who have jellyfish DNA so that they mother f-ing glow in the dark! (you know, like those kittens)

Damn right I'd pay to see that!

said limbodog on July 15, 2009 11:18 AM.

What about that Fox dude who said Americans are known for inter-species breeding? This is totally racist.

said E on July 15, 2009 11:38 AM.

While I respect you lot thinking logically about this, I prefer to believe this is about centaurs.

said Johnny Wright on July 15, 2009 12:03 PM.

And mermaids...

said Leonardo Carvalho on July 15, 2009 12:05 PM.

Clearly this is just another attempt by the Republicans to keep Democrats from procreating.

said Tim on July 15, 2009 12:09 PM.

Nice, Tim. While most of the comments so far have been pretty funny, limbodogs strip club joke killed me. Aces.

JW

said Johnny Wright on July 15, 2009 12:23 PM.

I bet PETA stands with Brownback on this. For exactly the opposite reason: every animal is sacred.
It'd be a heck of a press conference though, brownback standing at the podium while a dozen PETA ladies stand naked behind him.

said Baierman on July 15, 2009 1:34 PM.

I'd be there in the front row watching.

The PETA ladies, of course.

said Leonardo Carvalho on July 15, 2009 1:39 PM.

Two reasons why Senator Brownback has our interests in mind:

1. Furry Porn
2. ManBearPig

Two reasons why this bill shouldn't pass

1. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
2. The Ice-T kangaroo from Tank Girl

said Your Mom's New Boyfriend on July 15, 2009 1:40 PM.

"I'd rather go naked than wear mermaid scale trousers."

said Johnny Wright on July 15, 2009 1:45 PM.

i guess they are finding out what matt and trey have known all along. that pig and elephant dna just don't match.

i think lolverboy covered that as a song also.

said phatlard on July 15, 2009 4:52 PM.

Since politicians has been making asses out of themselves all these years, maybe this bill is apropo.

said mmmbop on July 16, 2009 11:07 AM.

Every animal is sacred. Every animal is great. If a animal is wasted, god gets quite irate.

said kbk on July 16, 2009 12:01 PM.
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