Here at the YBNBY Head Office we have attempted, like many of you have done in your own head offices while in your underpants, to make sense of Alaskan superhero Sarah Palin's resignation. At first, second and 33rd glance, it is hard to decipher the real reason The Barracuda stepped down. We're confident in our ability to sniff out a story. There had to be a more logical explanation as to why she was quitting while saying she's not quitting because that is the quitters way out.
But dammit, we were stumped. No freaking idea what she is talking about. Is she speaking in riddles? According to our crack research team, Sarah Palin is hard to understand because an astonishing 77% of her speech patterns fall into the categories of "political clichés, buzz words, nonsense and gobbledygook." We tried even harder, running Palin's recent speeches through idiom dictionaries, Russian literature (it's in the ballpark, no?) even Webster's Talking Out of Your Keester Translator and were still confused. Attempting to walk the words through Elvish and back to English was a big mistake, we see that now.
However! I have made an archeological discovery that can finally makes sense of the former Alaska Governor's speech patterns.
At my wits end I announced I was quitting the quest of understanding what Palin is saying. That's when our boss came into the research room. "Quit? That is not an option!" Scaramouch boomed. "Johnny! W.W.H.J.J.D.?" He's right. What would Henry Jones Jr. do? He wouldn't call it a day and go to Gray's Papaya. He would round up a little Chinese kid, eat some chilled monkey brains and keep trying. So I headed to the New York Public Library Archives. In the stacks there was a book that seemed out of place. Most of the linguistic books were relatively new looking. In the middle of the row, was an old, weathered, leather-bound tome with gold lettering. Secrets & Mysteries, the title read. When I removed it, there was a sound of grinding gears, the book shelf shifted and a secret room opened. In the middle of the room, illuminated by a single flickering light bulb, was the artifact we needed. The Political Cliché Rosetta Stone. The Stone would allow us to take the seemingly nonsensical, Cheshire Cat-like words of Mrs. Palin and tell you what she actually means. One empty "sentence" at a time. We begin with her first resignation speech.
Barracuda Quote: "We were purchased as a territory because a member of President Abe Lincoln's cabinet, William Seward saw in this great land vast riches, beauty, strategic placement on the globe and opportunity."
Stone Translation: See, I'm folksy. I called Abraham Lincoln, 'Abe.' And we have Wikipedia for Alaska facts. Just learned how to use the Wikipedia.
Barracuda Quote: "And you know me by now, I promised even four years ago to show my independence, no more 'politics as usual.'"
Stone Translation: Politic as usual = politics as competent politicians would do.
Barracuda Quote: "Political operatives came to Alaska digging for dirt. ... the state has wasted thousands of hours of your time and shelled out some two million dollars of your dollars to respond to opposition research. That's not money going to fund teachers and troopers and safer roads."
Stone Translation: How dare these people notice what we were doing up here. I'm going to pretend that the money used to defend myself came out of the budget of teachers, cops and roads. These fiends are stealing money from teachers. And I betcha ya didn't think I could use 'dollars' twice in the space of four words. Mavericky maverick mav mav.
Barracuda Quote: "It may be tempting and more comfortable to just keep your head down, plod along and appease those who demand 'sit down and shut up' but that's the worthless easy path. That's the quitters way out. And a problem in our country is apathy. It would be apathetic to just hunker down and go with the flow. Nah, only dead fish go with the flow."
Stone Translation: I learned the word apathetic his morning, thought I'd take it out for a spin. Have I ever mentioned that we are fishermen? We're fishermen. I am also redefining what 'quit' means.
Barracuda Quote: "There is such a need to build up and fight for our state and our country. I choose to FIGHT for it."
Stone Translation: I will FIGHT for this while collecting the money from a book deal that a ghost writer will pen! FIGHT! I'm like Rocky Balboa!
Barracuda Quote: And then I thought that's what's wrong, many just accept (1)lame duck status, (2)hit the road, (3)draw the paycheck and they kinda(4)milk it."Stone Translation: That's 4 cliché's in a row, baby. Top that! I still am not quite grasping what the term "lame duck" means.
Barracuda Quote: "Let me go back to a comfortable analogy for me, sports. Basketball. I use it because you are naïve if you don't see he national full-court press picking away right now. A good point guard, let me tell you what she does. She drives through the full court press, protecting the ball, keeping her eye on the basket, and she knows exactly when to pass the ball so that the team can win. And I'm doing that, keeping our eye on the ball that represents sound priorities, smaller government, energy independence, national security, freedom! And I know when to pass the ball for victory.
Stone Translation: Plain spoken people love sports. Even though this analogy makes no sense, enough people will just accept it because they love basketball and ESPN. Maverick.
Barracuda Quote: "I have given my reasons candidly and truthfully."
Stone Translation: There were no reasons given, but I hope that the power of suggestion will work here. When I say I have given reasons, though I haven't, some will believe that I have. I saw a hypnotist at the Wasilla Town Fair make people cluck like a chicken once. Thought I'd give it a go.
When everyone in the media stated clearly that Sarah Palin has not explained why she is quitting, NBC's Andrea Mitchell gave Palin another chance to explain.
Barracuda Quote: "You're not listening to me as to why I wouldn't be able to finish that final year in office without it costing the state millions of dollars and countless hours of wasted time, wasted ... we have true worthy public causes."
Stone Translation: I'm really hoping that all these ethics violations will just disappear after I leave office and won't follow me down the road. And will you media quit asking me to clarify my answer when I clearly gave a not clear ambiguous answer as to why I am quitting. Jeez.
Barracuda Quote: "I am a fighter. I thrive on challenge."
Stone Translation: Except this time.
When asked if she could see herself running for President...
Barracuda Quote: "I don't know what the future holds, can't predict what the next fish run is gonna look like much less what's gonna happen in a couple years but my focus is on my state still and it always will be and my family and what is best for them and what's best for them is to not run for reelection and to avoid a lame duck wasteful session in a final year in office.
Stone Translation: You betcha I'm gonna run. Here's what's gonna happen. Barring President Obama having an Aaron Burr-like meltdown and shooting Mike Huckabee in the White House Rose Garden, he will be almost unbeatable. So real Republican candidates will shy away for challenging him. Since all smart conservatives know that I am a moron and not capable of winning, I'll be sacrificed in 2012 so a real candidate is not wasted. Therefore allowing someone that has the ability to string together a coherent sentence to run in 2016. Have I mentioned I like to go fishing?
The Sarah Palin Rosetta Stone has also given us insights on this past Sunday's picnic resignation shindig.
Stone Wisdom: When all else fails, blame the media and Hollywood. That's what the base wants to hear. It's that damn Ben Affleck's fault.
So, Sarah Palin resigned as Governor of Alaska because ... uh, crap, let me look at this thing again.
YesButNoButYes is currently in negotiations with the Smithsonian to display the Political Cliché Rosetta Stone. Either them, or Ripley's Believe It Or Not on 42nd Street.
ADDENDUM: No kidding, if Sarah Palin held a 15 minute press conference every day I would watch it. Comedy at it's highest level.
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She does like them metaphorical flourishes don't cha know.
"And I know when to pass the ball for victory. " When you successor is LeBron?
My guess/hope is someones got dirty pitchers.
E has Dirty Picture's Bound to Surface as an actual reason for Palin's quitting.
That's not bad. Any other guesses?
Damn you Johnny. You and your leftist liberal media.
Can't you see she is a maverick?
Its fairly stright forward Johnny. She doesn't want to be a lame duck. She is the point guard, passing the ball of freedom.
Only dead fish float upside down.
A nod is as good as a wink to a blind bat.
I am the walrus. Goo goo ga joob.
She is not a quitter, She is a winner. Winners never quit.
She is just passing the ball. Of hope.
Surely even someone as dense as you can understand that?
I'm afraid Frank has called me out. Dammit. I stand corrected. All this was pretty straight forward.
Mecca lecca hi, mecca hiney ho.
To be fair, Obama hasn't exactly been on the ball lately either.
("Hey this is a really great health care bill, and I'll explain Why. ya see, what this bill will do is.... Hey look a Stupid Cop!)
My wish that Palin may eventually run out of money and pose for playboy is looking a little more plausible now though.
"Can't you see she is a maverick?"
Frank that brought the funny. Ima do a shot to that right there!
Pablo, I hear you. She was looking good in some jogging mag (or whatever) I saw her in recently. Only a terrorist would deny that.
BTW JW, good job with the wink pitcher.
If you like unironic winking you like Palin, if not no. (The media should have polled that! Why do I have to do all the work. Sheee-it)
None of what she said makes any real sense except to people who need it to sound normal.
Fuck Sarah Palin.
Fuck John McCain's handlers for letting this travesty happen to him, even though he may be a real nice man and was 500 when he ran for president.
They met for one hour and then he used her as his "choice" for VP.
This is the kind of sick, sad world we live in when an disabled old white man picks a MILF to be one heartbeat from the button.
If there was ever proof that there is no god of any sort, this was a sign of the highest caliber.
Fuck.
p.s. - Vanity Fair has a really good article on the behind the scenes stuff on Palin and the destruction she has left in her stank-assed wake, not only for all Repubs but for the shape of politics and how they are run for years to come. Disgusting.
"This is the kind of sick, sad world we live in when an disabled old white man picks a MILF to be one heartbeat from the button."
Johnny C back in fine form. Good to have ya back.
Johnny C the truth speaker.
You have quickly got yourself a new admirer. In a completely straight way of course.
Well done JW.
I watched her "farewell speech" last night and I was almost embarrassed for her and her family.
She's finished.
at least obama is smart enough to hide his village idiot (joe bidden) . i have'nt a clue why someone doesn't hide her away.
you'd think she would just shut up, or at the least, hire a decent writer.
oh well, what fun would it be if she did go away?
Phatlard makes a good observation. Why wasn't there a hired gun speechwriter(s) brought in to help. The same cat that wrote the convention speech maybe.
Off the cuff is a dangerous gambit for Sarah Palin. I honestly never know what she is talking about.
I think the fact that she did wing it or wasn't allocated
a skilled speech writer shows she may not have the
support from the GOP that she's counting on.
Colbert nailed it when he likened her speech to someone
pulling Chinese fortunes out of a hat and stringing them
together.
i'm sure she is a decent enough person. i'm also sure that she may mean well. that said, country bumkin just doesn't win my vote.
my grampa used to say, "if you reach back with both hands and can't find your ass, dont expect the rest of us to slap it".
i don't know what that means but i like to quote my gramps. he was a funny fucker.
best grampa quote evah
"And you know me by now, I promised even four years ago to show my independence, no more 'politics as usual.'"
.......which is why I am quitting 18 months before my term ends.
Could this broad just go the fuck away forever?
It's time we started realizing that Palin has adult ADD.
Here's someone who went to 5 colleges in like 6 years, bounced around all sorts of jobs while having a kid after kid. Eventually she worked her way to Governor then VP candidate.
She has achieved a lot, I'll give her credit for that.
BUT. BUT.
She obviously gets bored, distracted and loses her train of thought - easily.
That and she needs constant stimulation.
Here's what the next 2-3 years will look like for her...
She'll do some speaking engagements for 3-6 months.
Write a book.
Promote the book.
Move on to punditry on FOX then maybe fill in for Hannity before taking a time slot on FOX with her own show.
That'll last a season or so, then she'll contemplate a run for President. Realize there's not money in it.
Quit FOX.
Get a reality show which follows her exploits as she comes out of retirement for the beauty pageants circuit.
Then she'll probably have another kid.
Where does the Playboy shoot fit in to that plan Baier? I still have my fingers crossed there.
Nice analysis Bman. ADD. You're right she is erratic.
No playboy. It might insult her witchcraft loving preacher.
"EVERY FORM OF WITCHCRAFT!"
http://www.yesbutnobutyes.com/archives/2008/09/sarah_palin_app.html
Why are liberals so afraid of Palin..? Especially liberal women...Some folks just can't deal with a strong, intelligent, conservative woman..and did I mention she can shoot..?
i'd think by now, the only people she can get votes from are her hardcore fans. people who would vote for her even if she spouted stupid shit all the time.
the only thing affraid of her now are the wild animals she stalks.
you can cover up some stupidity. i just don't see her recovering from all this. unless she can give birth to a non-hispanic, black, french speaking, handicaped lesbian biker woman. THEN, shes got a shot.
Maven, I love strong, intelligent, conservative women. I just think they should also be coherent.
Palin can shoot, but not from the lip.
I know she is easy to pick on, but she really does bring it on herself. We still don't know why she quit. I'm not being funny, I honestly have no idea what she is saying when a microphone is in her vicinity. Not the foggiest notion.
From weird cliches to nonsensical analogies to wondering why she chose the words she chose and put them in the order that she put them in, I have no good guess what she is talking about. When you see the words transcribed, it makes even less sense. If the words were only released on paper, you would think that a crazy person wrote them. It's unreadable.
For example, this is a direct quote from Sunday:
"And getting up here I say it is the best road trip in America soaring through nature's finest show. Denali, the great one, soaring under the midnight sun. And then the extremes. In the winter time it's the frozen road that is competing with the view of ice fogged frigid beauty, the cold though, doesn't it split the Cheechakos from the Sourdoughs? And then in the summertime such extreme summertime about a hundred and fifty degrees hotter than just some months ago, than just some months from now, with fireweed blooming along the frost heaves and merciless rivers that are rushing and carving and reminding us that here, Mother Nature wins."
Unravel that ball of verbal yarn. Go ahead. Give it a go. Bloody hell...
Someone tell Palin that Silence is golden.......
And Duct tape is Silver....
One or the other ought to shut her up...
i'm with ya JW. i don't agree with alot of your politics but i don't hold that against you. i believe 2 different views are better than one. i'm with you in the way we view her. i wanted her to work out. i tried giving her second chances. i can't do it anymore. i can't even listen to her speak now days.
I appreciate that pally, I really do. For what it's worth, I am a registered Independent. Ask Echo, I am a moderate. With Sarah Palin, it does transcend politics and go to common sense and the insulting of the electorate's intelligence. She is a bad politician and completely incompetent.
Above all, weighing in more than left and right, red and blue, is funny. And this nutty broad is just funny. Kick in the nuts, fat guy falling down, waterskiing squirrel funny.
JW
I'm really going to miss her.
BTW Here's a photo of me at an anti-Palin rally on the Capitol steps in my hometown Juneau, Alaska last November.
http://usera.ImageCave.com/chadhead/palinbitch.JPG
Good times.
Chad teaches us all that sometimes subtlety is way overrated.
i'm down as a republican but only because i'm to lazy or stuborn to change it. i read my voters guide and troll reuters and the wsj but i vote how i feel, not on party lines.
i also respect other peoples opinions. even when they are wrong.
nice one chad. i only wish you had a bigger board so you could express how you realy feel about her.