Last night I was busy researching an article for mental floss on cryptid apes from around the world. Level of difficulty: no Sasquatch or Yeti. No problem, I found plenty of them. It was after midnight and I was looking at these pictures of the Skunk Ape. See, most cryptids don't have a set of photographs, so this was fascinating but oh so creepy. Look at those eyes staring at you. Would you be able to get close enough to a huge hairy creature staring at you like that to take a picture? I was looking through these to decide which one to use. I was sitting all alone in the office after midnight in total silence. The hairs on the back of my neck were beginning to stand up. After all, this ape roaming the small towns of Florida was obviously looking at me with a pair of glowing eyes I swear I've seen before looking in the window. Then...
...there was a huge crash to my left.
I jumped out of my skin! Then I felt a huge rush of heat all over. Then I hyperventilated. The kitten had knocked over a stack of things my kids didn't put away on the their computer desk. It still took a while for my heart to settle down. So, to replicate this adrenaline rush, you should wait until everyone else goes to bed, turn off the TV and the music, and then read about all the mysterious ape-men hiding in the shadows all over the world.
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having seen some shit 1st hand that i can't explain, i'll pass on the creepy pics. there is plenty out there i just don't want to know about.
This is one of the few cryptid pics that can't be immediately dismissed. I can't tell you what that thing is. It seems way to detailed to be a costume. I've seen some other angles that have close-ups of the fingers of the beast. Weird. If I remember right those pics were sent anonymously to a Florida newspaper some years back. Something like that.
"I think Bigfoot is blurry. That's the problem."
Mitch Hedberg
nice to see a mitch quote. i miss him
I've seen a cryptid myself.
I was visiting my father's family, in a rural zone. They lived in a ranch 3.5 miles far from the "city", which was not more than almost hundred houses, 4 streets and the road leading to the next place.
I went there to have a drink with some friends and we planned to crash on the house of the girl I was 'dating' then, but her father hadn't traveled as he was supposed, so we--two cousins and me--had to go back to the ranch.
It was one of those nights when the sky is cloudy, but not fully covered, so every now and then we could spot the moon. As soon as we were into the dust road, half a mile from the civilization, we realized we should have borrowed a flashlight, because we could see nothing but an inch in front of our noses.
We were not scared, but it had rained half an ocean a couple of days ago, so the road was full of puddles and some holes where one could break an ankle. Thus we moved on, carefully and one of my cousins had got a branch with which he went in front of us testing the terrain and leading us through a safe path.
We had walked half the distance when we spotted something strange. Half a mile ahead, on the roadside we saw a glimmering light, as if a small baby star had fallen on Earth and was taking a nap on the bushes. We had to decide there, right in that moment, if we should go ahead, get back, or wait 4 hours until sunrise to keep walking.
I won't lie. The amount of booze I had put in my system made me the most fearless and fierce motherfucker in the whole world. I voted we should go ahead and check that out. It was in our way, and if we waited until sunrise we'd have to pass by there anyway. I took my cousin's makeshift cane and went on, with both my cousins shivering in fear walking some 5 steps behind me so they could get away if the whatever that was assaulted me first. Bastards.
When we were reaching close to the light, we could see that it was not only a light. There was something else. There was a small creature between us and the light source.
The weirdest sight of a living being I had ever. It was 3 foot tall, had small legs, and its arms touched the ground. That was what the shadows told us.
Since I had took the leadership of that quest daring them to follow me and I had blamed them for being such pussies, I had to prove them I wasn't bullshitting. I had to go there and face whatever that was.
I took a deep breath and moved out of the road, into the bushes, and went ahead, slowly and quietly, moving inch by inch, sweating as if I were in an oven, my heart pumping and thumping like a drum set, my hands shaking as hell.
When I stopped, I realized I was 10 feet away from the light, and by a lucky shot I had sneaked to a safe position, I was facing the critter's back.
My heart still freezes when I remember the grunting noises I heard at such distance.
I gathered all the remaining courage I had, set my legs ready to burst in a frantic sprint and poked the beast's back with the branch so strong I threw it on the floor. Along with the fall came the most terrifying yelp I've ever heard. Not even a pack of wolves howling to the moon would freeze all my blood at once like that sound.
I ran. Oh hell, how I ran. I noticed my lungs trying to escape through my mouth, my heart was about to explode, that loud, fierce and disturbing "aaaaaayyyyyyyyeeeeeeeyyaaaayayyyeeeeee" noise echoing in my head and then I heard what I would never expect to hear... the best could talk... and it yelled in a loud and clear voice:
"LET ME SHIT IN PEACE, YOU BUNCH OF MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!"
"the best could talk..." should be "the beast could talk..."
Damn typo...
That was the best story I've read in a while!
A 3-f00t tall, English-speaking beast shitting in the forests of Brazil?
What are the odds that it wasn't Herve Villechaize?
This isn't a 'brush with death' story ... it's a 'brush with celebrity' story!
Fantasy Island's over... better move on and play new roles.
I think it was him--with some weird costume--the real chupacabras.
My close encounter of the turd--sorry, third--kind was near the region of the chupacabras' attacks here in Brasil.