Space is a commodity. No where else on Earth, save for Sao Paulo, Mexico City, most of Japan, Hong Kong, all of India, your in-laws' house, Bangladesh, and Manilla, is there a place more crowded than New York City. We live on a dangerously small and cramped island filled to the brim with life and concrete. And many of us have someplace to be. Whether it be work, home, or meeting your drug-dealer on 110th and Amsterdam for some Chocolate Thai, we need to get there as quick as we can. And, due to the recession, we can't afford to take cabs everywhere. So we rely on the skull-fuckingly slow and wallet raping MTA to get us around, or we take to the sidewalks and do as the cavemen did - we hunt. Or gather. I'm never quite sure. The gist is - we walk a tremendous amount. And it's when things get in our way that we wonder why we never signed up for that handgun permit.

There are many things that bother me about sidewalk hoggers. These are just a few.

The Stroller Rollers
Ah procreation! There's nothing better, right? You have created life and you've brought it into the world. Why not show it off? Take to the streets, put the human larvae in the carriage, and walk at a snail's pace around the block showing off to the world that, really, you like the cockmeat. Because, let's be honest, if you didn't, you wouldn't have a kid. (Or you're a movie star with a flock of adopted children so multinational it looks like they fell out of a Fruit Loops box.)

Now, I understand that running a kid around the block a few times probably isn't the best thing. One small miscalculation on your part and the kid will end up dry-humping a tree with his brain pan. But there's really no need to walk slow enough that you can watch the seasons change. Put your ass in gear, work off some of that excess baby fat, put down the fucking cell phone for once in your life, and feel a little breeze through your hair.

While we're on the subject... I'm a twin. My brother and I had a double stroller. Not one that was side-by-side, but one that was more like Maverick and Goose. We were thin and non-width consuming. If you have more than one child and you buy a double-wide stroller, you should pay a fine for using up more of your allotted space - much like what airlines are doing to fat people these days. Getting around a double-wide stroller is like trying to pass a Jawa Sandcrawler on a unicycle.

New York Shitty
The health of the economy can be measured in the amount of dog shit left on the sidewalks. No dog shit? We're doing fine. Does it look like the dog got into the all-you-can-eat buffet at Caesar's and spent the night painting a Jackson Pollack with its ass? We're in a recession. Forget that we have to dodge homeless people and trash bins, but avoiding left-over dog shit on the sidewalk turns your average New Yorker into something out of a modern dance recital. Hopping this way and that. I have walked dogs before. I realize that grabbing an extra bag on your way out consumes the amount of energy it takes to run the Large Hadron Collider, but couldn't we just make the effort? I'd hate to think of how put out you'd be were you to actually stoop down and pick up the poop in the aforementioned bag, but I can't imagine it's anymore expense than me running the shit slalom course on my way to Starbucks.

Hold My Hand
Holding hands is insipid and an excellent way to spread germs. Next time you're with your significant other, look them over and judge just how clean they really are. Trust me, I have seen some fucked up things come out of ex-girlfriends. Shit was leaking out of areas so quickly and colorfully that I'd called the CDC and asked them to turn my apartment into a hot zone for Ebola. So while you're contracting hand herpes (look it up) the rest of the city is trying to get around your cornball sign of affection.

If you are walking down the sidewalk with your boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse, or real doll, and you're standing side-by-side and another person is walking toward you, you have to give them the right of way. They should not be expected to wait while you pass. It's quite simple really - the person closest to the inside of the sidewalk steps back for a few paces, let's the person pass, and then returns to the side of their companion.

The Flight of the Tourists
It's not that New Yorkers are rude. It's that we just hate you for making us late.

Spitting on Empty
Why does this occur? And I'm not just talking about certain ex-girlfriends or camels. There are only a few moments where it's okay to spit on the ground:

• A foreign entity, like a fly or arsenic, has entered your mouth and you need to get rid of it.
• Due to a 'bout of the ol' Swine Flu, you have a throat nugget that needs expulsion.
• You have just spoken the name of your mortal enemy.

At no other time is it ok to spit on the sidewalk. Not only is it gross, but it makes you look uncivilized. And so, while you continue walking on, those behind you have to dodge not only the strollers and the dog shit, but your clam baking on the cement.