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Top Ten Cars That'll Get You Laid
It's not your personality, it's not how funny you are. Hell, I've seen guys who like like Eric Stoltz in Mask get laid. And what it comes down to is what you've got parked in your driveway. What you drive not only says a lot about you, but it also gives you some idea as to how much tail you're bringing home as well.

Case in point: I drove a 1995 Volkswagen Golf in the late 90's and scored with approximately 1 girl, who I'm quite sure only did so because I told her I could introduce her to the guys from Eve 6. (I couldn't and didn't). In fact, I had more sex when I didn't own a car than I did with the Golf. Taking this issue to heart, I researched a bunch of the offerings from today's car manufacturers and came up with the top 10 that are most likely to get you laid. Just to be clear on the rules, this is cars and SUVs only. No motorcycles. We all know dudes with bikes crush a lot of ass. Also, no conversion vans. Drugging and/or kidnapping a girl doesn't count. And seeing as the cheapest car on the list is around $27,000, you'll still need to have enough money in the bank to take her out for dinner and/or get the tattoo of your ex removed from your shoulder.

10. Ford Shelby GT500KR
Let me set the scene for you. You're at a bar playing pool. One of the bar's drunken patrons challenges you to a game. You win and ask for the cash he put up. He says you can collect your winnings in the parking lot out front. Not one to back down from a fight (nor in front of your girlfriend), you head outside. He's cracking his knuckles ready to pound your face in when, from out of nowhere, your girlfriend slams him in the face and knocks him out cold. The Shelby will attract that kind of girl. You may not want to take her home to your mom, but keep her around for when the shit goes down.

9. Mercedes G55 AMG Kompressor
This makes the list if for no other reason than it's the car Brad Pitt drives. The "G-Wagon" was born by proposals for a military vehicle in the early 1970s by the Shah Mohammad Reza Pahlavi of Iran, meaning that it's a solid vehicle that can take all bumps and bruises you (or a missile) throw at it. Plus, it's got a lot of space in the back, should the girl you're trying to impress feel the need to take you up on your offer then and there. It's running a supercharged V8, which means it blows more gas than your uncle after a visit to Taco Bell. But, if you're throwing down $110,000+ for a car, the last thing you're really concerned with is how much it's going to cost.

8. MINI Cooper S Convertible
This isn't the car you show up driving. This is the car you let her drive. And she will ... a lot. (Trust me) Yes it's cute. Yes it's feminine. But the girls love this car. Hand them the keys, and they're instantly imagining throwing towels and chairs into the back and heading off to the beach. Plus, they'll think you're sensitive and caring. Plus, with the supercharged engine and go-kart handling, you'll see just how fun it really is to drive. (Should you feel the need to put your masculinity on hold for a while.)

7. Lamborghini Murciélago
I wrote an article about my friend crashing his $313,000 Murciélago. It was a devastating day for him (he was uninjured) but an even worse one for his sexual conquests. The car is by and far, a head-turner. This doesn't just convey wealth but also rampant narcissism. And, for some reason, ladies often mistake self-importance for confidence. I was lucky enough to drive this car and, despite it looking ridiculously awesome, it was a less than comfortable ride. My question as to why there was no radio was quickly answered once we went over 40mph.

6. Range Rover
Want a great way to show that you're wealthy, sophisticated, and should the occasion arise, not adverse to climbing up a mountain in your imported Italian shoes? The Range Rover is probably the car for you. Make no mistake about it, this car is comfortable. Very comfortable. Too comfortable. They have taken both the "rugged" and "outdoors" out of "rugged outdoors" and replaced it with leather and navigation systems. The ladies will think you've got enough in the bank (especially considering the rate and cost at which these things break down) to support them for the rest of their lives. But be forewarned, while you may see it as a great way to head out to Tahoe for a ski trip with the buddies, she'll see it as a great way to transport the kids to Soccer practice.

5. Ferrari F430 Spider
One of these drove past me (and almost killed me) yesterday. I stared at it, mouth wide open, as it turned the corner and disappeared in a cloud of dust down West End Avenue. I didn't think about how close I was to death. All I thought was how cool it would have been at my funeral were my friends to know I were killed by such a kick-ass car. The girl in the passenger seat, who was just shy of being illegal and wearing not much more than a girl scout patch, seemed rather pleased that she'd found a man who needed to compensate for his minute genitalia with such a fast and stunningly beautiful car.

4. Tesla Roadster
Every girl wants to feel the wind through her hair - even if that hair happens to be sprouting from her armpits. And you're sure to gain points from the earthy-crunchy hippie chicks while driving this electric vehicle around. The roadster accelerates from zero to 60 mph (100 km/h) in less than four seconds, and has a top speed of 125 mph (201 km/h). Adding to those numbers, the cost of powering the vehicle is estimated at US$0.02 per mile. What's more - this car is probably the only American made car that doesn't look like it was designed by Homer Simpson.

3. BMW 750Li
My dad once told me, "BMWs are like hemorrhoids, sooner or later every asshole has one." And the fact of the matter is, girls date assholes. Just look at the entire cast of The Hills. And if you have to drive an asshole mobile, why not make it one of the finest ever built? The long wheelbase gives you more room to "stretch out" should your croquet match be rained out and you'd still like to throw a few balls through a wicket.

2. Rolls Royce Phantom
Let's get one thing straight up front ... it's incredibly tacky to drive this car. You should have a chauffeur at the helm, while sitting in the back with your lady drinking champagne. This is the car that'll get any girl. I had the incredible fortune to ride in one, and was picked up from the airport in it. And, like horseflies on a rotting carcass, the paparazzi swarmed the car and took pictures of me ... while I sat in the back wearing a faded sweatshirt from Old Navy. (And despite me having accomplished absolutely nothing in my life.) This car doesn't just convey wealth ... it conveys old wealth. Like, Mayflower wealth. (And, to a large degree, being a hip hop artist). This car won't just attract the girls with the breast enhancements and spray-on tans, it'll attract the women who can pinpoint the Mediterranean on a map because that's where they keep their yacht anchored. The women who can honestly say they've never eaten at Burger King. There's so much power in this car that one needs to know how to handle it. Any car that comes with pop-out umbrellas deserves respect.

1. Audi R8
Certainly not the most expensive car on the list, there's a reason the R8 is in the number one spot - it's the car Robert Downey Jr.'s Tony Stark chooses to drive. (Along with, incidentally, a Phantom) And Tony not only bedded the illegally hot Leslie Bibb, but got all mushy with a freckled Gwyneth Paltrow. The R8 is one helluva mean looking car. Sure it's got the typical Audi grill and lines, but everything is adjusted to be more aggressive. A lot of the R8 is based on the Lamborghini Gallardo, including its aluminum frame, which most likely accounts for the sub-4 second 0-60mph it pulls off with it's V10. Less than 10,000 were built by the end of 2008, meaning that when you get around to start looking for a date, she'll no doubt find the uniqueness in the car that much more appealing. But really, if you're driving a car like this, who has time for sex?
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I can testify that the Audi R8 will get you more ass than a toilet seat. Women love to get in them, and once the engine gets humming good the juices start flowing. Of course, the layout of the interior is unsuitable for car sex unless you're a contortionist.

The only one I might argue with is #9. Those wagons look like a porta-potty on wheels. Replace that with an Escalade. I hate Escalades, but they convey a sense of wealth and stupidity that convinces women they could separate you from said wealth quite easily.

The VW Golf is a decent car though, and the GTI versions of it will get you some British tail if you cross the pond. However, here in the States even the beasty tricked out Golf only makes you a nerdy car guy. What a shame.

Now a bigger question is what KIND of laid will these cars get you? For instance, that Shelby is great if you want a girl who listens to LeAnn Rimes and likes to flash her melons at Bike Week. The Rolls will get you a girl who will have sex with you but also wont be adverse to paying someone else to do the dirty stuff. The Escalade will get you some crazy hoes that will do just about anything to keep their claws in you. "I'd better let him (perverse sexual act that is best left unmentioned) before some other crazy ho does it and steals my man." This is why NBA players drive Escalades... And why they date crazy hoes that do ALL that crazy sh*t. Tesla Roadsters will get you vegan girls who are all about equality and leg hair.

Echowood, you are probably best off getting another Golf. I'm not sure you could handle an Escalade woman.

said LostInDaJungle on June 9, 2009 9:31 AM.

Nice but missed the Mercedes CLS, that's a pantie dropper for sure.

said etantao on June 9, 2009 9:37 AM.

No Bugatti Veyron? Sure they are 1.5 mil, but you know anyone with that vehicle is getting serious tail.


said JediJeff on June 9, 2009 9:40 AM.

a few guaranteed panty-peelers (again depending on the girl)

1985 Lambo Countach.


'85 Ferarri Testarossa


'69 GTO Judge


the first 2 are for girls who get wound up by speed
the last is for those midwest Farmers-daughter types.

said Sheriff Pablo on June 9, 2009 10:27 AM.

That GTO is a beaut!

Also there's the Masserati grand turismo. a doctor at my school has one and thats an awesome car.


Bently continental


said etantao on June 9, 2009 3:16 PM.

Very good list. Lamborghini always makes my top 10. In fantasy-land, I'll own one someday.
And as always, your humor is well placed. "We all know dudes with bikes crush a lot of ass." Still laughing at that!

said Vicky on June 9, 2009 6:17 PM.

Thanks Vicky! If I ever own a Lambo, I'll be sure to take you for a ride.

said Echowood on June 9, 2009 8:13 PM.

I once married a man who drove a '69 Judge. It was royal blue. Too bad the car was long gone by the time we tied the knot, but I still had those high school memories...

said Miss Cellania on June 10, 2009 3:31 PM.

The last time I got laid in a vehicle, it was in a Honda Minivan parked outside the lady-in-question's Mom's house. But I don't think that had anything to do with the Honda.

said Scaramouch on June 10, 2009 4:38 PM.
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