With the release of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, it's time to look into the Michael Bay vault once more. Instead of car chases, we're looking at women. Specifically, the female leads in each of his movies. Bay has a penchant for brunettes, and often these women serve no other purpose than to look concerned in a monitor-filled room during the climax of the movie. What follows is a detailed study in these characters and the women who play them.
Actress: Téa LeoniCharacter: Julie Mott
Movie: Bad Boys
Bay's love of dark-haired women was never more apparent than his dark-dying of the normally blond Leoni for his first feature film. Her character's range is given nothing more than the emotions of angry, sad, and (I'm guessing) lethargic. Perhaps it's just Leoni's performance in the role, but her words seem to fumble out with no more effort than someone talking to their grandparent's bestfriends about stewed peaches.
Actress: Vanessa MarcilCharacter: Carla Pestalozzi
Movie: The Rock
"Losers complain about 'their best.' Winners go home and fuck the prom queen."
"Carla was the prom queen."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
Thus sums up Vanessa Marcil's, newly pregnant Carla, who just arrived in San Francisco unaware there's several VX poison gas rockets aimed at the metropolis. I had to do some research to figure out what else Marcil was in. Though, it should be noted she was not only married to Corey Feldman between 1989-1993, but is the second girl on this list who dated Brian Austin Green.
Actress: Liv TylerCharacter: Grace Stamper
Movie: Armageddon
Yeah, so what? So I cried when she's saying goodbye to her father at the end of the movie. Maybe it's because I was emotionally invested in the movie, which was written, incidentally, by J.J. Abrams. Or it could have been that I knew the movie was ending and I wouldn't have a chance to watch more shit blow up - save for one giant meteor. Grace Stamper has a little more character and drive than the rest of Bay's women, often talking back to her father, and dealing with roughnecks on an oil rig. Still, she's reserved for monitor room status at the end of the flick while the rest of the "men" are out saving the world.
Actress: Kate BeckinsaleCharacter: Nurse Lt. Evelyn Johnson
Movie: Pearl Harbor
As mentioned in an earlier episode of 3 Chords & the Truth, I saw Beckinsale in person and found her incredibly attractive. Her beauty is sort of bleached out by the 40's-era costumes, though she does wear a nurses outfit for a good portion of the movie. Her character definitely gets shit on - having her boyfriend killed in battle, (spoiler alert) having him not really be dead, falling in love with her boyfriend's bestfriend, having HIM die, but only after we find out he's the father of her unborn child, plus the hospital she works in gets bombed, her friends die, and she sticks her finger into a man's neck to stem the bleeding from a ruptured aorta. Kind of makes you appreciate your job at Starbucks doesn't it?
Actress: Gabrielle UnionCharacter: Syd Burnett
Movie: Bad Boys II
Oh Gabrielle Union, how you brought so much joy and excitement into this movie. Not only do you take part in one of the craziest car chases ever filmed, but you throw on a bikini and get freaky with a Cuban drug lord in the ocean off South Beach. Not content with sitting in a room while the action takes place around you, you're in the back of a Hummer careening through drug shacks while firing a semi-automatic weapon at the bad guys.
Actress: Scarlett JohanssenCharacter: Jordan Two Delta
Movie: The Island
Woah, let me check my playbook here Mr. Bay, but it looks like you've pulled an illegal maneuver. A blond? A blond as your lead female? Can it be? And yet, there's Scarlett in all her cloned hotness running from the dude from Amistad and the dude who was sort of good and sort of bad in Fellowship of the Ring. And really, that's all she does. She runs. The entire movie. Just Scarlett and Ewan McGregor running.
Actress: Megan FoxCharacter: Mikaela Banes
Movie: Transformers
I'm not sure if you've ever heard of this girl named Megan Fox, but she's become quite popular lately. This is due, no doubt, to the one scene in Transformers where she reaches into Shia LeBeouf's trunk and fixes his engine. (This, sadly, is not a euphemism.) As a quick sidenote, and one that will reveal my true geeky-ness, her character's last name is "Banes" and her father is in jail. You see, Lorraine Banes from the Back to the Future trilogy had a brother named Joey who spent some time behind bars. If we find out that Mikaela is Marty McFly's cousin, I'll have a nerdgasm in my pants.
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The man has a knack for finding the next big cover girl that's for damn sure.
How about a nod to the old school Bay discovery:
Kelly McGillis. Top Gun. Blond.
I don't know if Bay discovered her so much as Bruckheimer did. But yes, McGillis gets the nod as a genuine hot chick in a testosterone-filled dude flick.
Scarlett was so hot in that dumb movie. But Armageddon continues to be a guilty pleasure - excellent flick.
Megan Fox. Damn girl. Even her frikkin name is hot. Hubba.
I was watching an interview with her (she's articulate too), and they asked her what it's like to act against things that aren't really there, cause like Transformers aren't real they're just computer stuff, and she was like "It's pretty easy, you either run or scream. Sometimes you run and scream at the same time." Beat that Streep.
Scarlet beats them all in hotness and acting.
Oh! I have always had a weakness for Téa Leoni. There is just something about her! I believe she is single again..correct?
*Interesting tidbit on the McFly connection....stay on it, we need to know.
First of all, Leoni is separated, but it isn't clear that she's through with David Duchovny. But if she is, I would bet that those at the bottom of the list would be nerds with sex problems.
In other words, if Duchovny's out, the Loyal 77 are DEFINITELY out.
This is pretty much my top list of hot chicks, Scarlett, Megan, Kate, and Liv
"and she sticks her finger into a man's neck to stem the bleeding from a ruptured aorta." Huh? The aorta's not in the neck.
Not that I care. As long as Bay's taste is women is this good, I'm gonna overlook minor details.