ornate line
Jon & Kate Plus Who Gives a Fuck?
I wish I had a time machine. I wouldn't use it to place bets on sports teams, or see what my folks were like in high school. No, I'd go back a mere three months ago and tell my past-self to avoid all pop culture and television for the next three months. That way, I'd have no idea who the hell Jon and Kate Gosselin are and I could get on with my life. The mere fact that the Gosselins are sharing space with the dramatic events in Iran is mind-numbingly scary. We shouldn't be concerned that the parents of eight children are going through marital difficulties.

I had the misfortune of being involved (indirectly) in a "Flinstones Meet the Jetsons" type of television program crossover when the Gosselins invaded one of my favorite shows: American Chopper. I understand the promotional value of having stars of one high-rated show appear on another, but all it made me realize was how little I'd enjoy watching Jon and Kate Plus 8.

I can't be sure what went down, privately, in the marriage between Jon and Kate. Through the glory of editing, we're made to assume certain things and cast aspersions about certain people. Here is what I gathered from my one and only experience of seeing the Gosselins on American Chopper: if that were my wife, I'd wear ear-plugs.

Leaving the Flock of Seagulls haircut out of it, Kate Gosselin comes across as a whining control-freak. She belittles her husband in front of the kids (and cameras) and seems to revel in her new-found status as the most popular person in America. Jon, on the other hand, seems like a relaxed guy. The type of person I wouldn't mind getting a few brews with and watching a game. But he is a man suppressed. A man beaten into quite silence and reflection. I actually feel bad for him. He obviously loves his kids (they both do), but there seems to be a fading glimmer of light in his eyes that says, "this was not what I expected."

Divorce sucks, and whatever their big announcement turns out to be on Monday, I hate to see a marriage and family fall apart. But perhaps the entire world doesn't need a front-row seat to watch the destruction. Maybe this intensely private time needs to be just that, not one that's edited to have cliff-hangers before commercial breaks.

I won't watch the show on Monday. I don't like hanging out with my own family, so why the hell would I want to spend time with someone else's that's four-times as large?
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Echo! NO! You fool! You should have used the time machine to go back three months and then bet your life savings on the over for Jon & Kate appearances on the cover of US Weekly!

You would have broken Vegas like it was a JW necklace.

Now it's too late. Unless you use the time machine again. Just be careful not to screw up the timing, otherwise your original self will go insane when you see yourself, and then won't have access to the time machine now, in which case your future self will be hurled into an alternate dimension devoid of matter or reason.

And your original insane self will be stuck in the psychiatrist's office, reading about Kate Gosselin's stance on spanking in US Weekly.

said Don't Swayze Bro on June 19, 2009 5:10 PM.

You've just made my brain bleed.

said Echowood on June 19, 2009 5:15 PM.

Amen, brother. Two of the most annoying fucks on tv. Well, them and the whole cast of "I'm A Celebrity....."

said JediJeff on June 19, 2009 5:20 PM.

"I don't know where there marriage went wrong."
"When they had eight fuckin kids."

YBNBY Rules for Marriage:
1. The uterus is not a clown car (hat tip to Pablo)

said E on June 19, 2009 5:24 PM.

It really is yet another "you get what you wanted" for those that sell their souls on "reality" TV. Along with Jessica Simpson, and Hulk Hogan's family and everyone on the Hills and everyone on The Bachelor and ... I better stop. This could go on for a while.

said Johnny Wright on June 19, 2009 6:07 PM.

My 15 year old daughter is obsessed with this show. It is always on when I come in the room.

Whenever I see the way this c*nt talks to her husband, I am reminded of Sam Kinison when he said "I know what turns Mr. Hand into Mr. Fist"

said jeff on June 19, 2009 8:11 PM.

To pass this show off as anything other than written, produced, and edited by a large media company interested in turning a profit on the misfortunes of nameless nobodys, is a crime in any moral or ethical forum. In the end, viewers feel manipulated, and the "talent", has traded fame and fortune for their children's and their own invaluable privacy. This certainly could be the sequel to "bedazzled" only there is no way to redeem themselves and reset it all back to zero. The audience can walk away and try to dodge the shit storm of hype as everyone tries to cash in on the name and image recognition of this flavor of the month.

What's up next on the reality menu? Watch, "What's Up Your Ass?!" as cameras find their way up my ass in search of drama, suspense, pathos, and laughter as polyps fight it out with the local flora to establish a foothold before muscular contractions and some impacted fecal matter call for surgical intervention. The resulting 3 seasons are is filled with mystery and romance and another shit storm of t-shirts, DVD box sets, spin-offs, endorsements, and magazine covers of controversy you don't wanna miss. But wait there's more! Tune in!

said Video Martyr on June 20, 2009 12:05 AM.

Hmm, here I am focused on what's going on in Iran when what I really should be doing is watching this trainwreck show.
Thanks Echo, I will set my DVR and enjoy the carnage as this family falls to shreds. Yeah TV!!!

said Baierman on June 20, 2009 11:09 AM.

Yeah, I agree that their problem is that they had eight kids. I really don't give a f what happens I have never have watched the show except clips on The Soup.
Crap like this is the reason I really only watch educational TV or cartoons.

said nihil on June 20, 2009 11:37 AM.

Seriously... isn't there some obscure law on the books somewhere that could prevent parents from subjecting their kids to this kind life-ruining exposure? The kids are already freaks... 8 in a brood means that your childhood is not normal, and chances are that they are gonna grow up outta this circus with some serious issues. Going the extra step of having a film crew follow them around during their developmental years ain't gonna help things... might as well take the kid with scoliosis and make him wear roller skates if people will pay to watch, right?

Jon and Kate Do 8 (to 10, for child abuse)!

said Buford on June 20, 2009 12:56 PM.

Aweome post.

said Billhelm on June 20, 2009 1:05 PM.

Note to Buford: State of Pennsylvania is auditing the show for child labor violations.

I feel sorry for the kids. The family should have been guided by the story of the Dionne quintuplets, who ended up separated from their parents and spent their childhood as a vaudeville / carnival attraction.

said Kevin L. on June 20, 2009 2:45 PM.

Like everyone else here, I had never watched an episode of this show, but I did see the same episode of American Chopper. The thing that caught my attention was when Paul Sr. asked the dad what his first thought was when he knew his wife was having sextuplets, and he said it was something like complete panic. I can't imagine how I'd react if placed in the same situation, but I can imagine the payday from a reality show could help send alot of kids to college. Also, I would think a mom with eight kid would have to be a bit of a control freak, no?

No one says anyone here has to watch, ya know.

said Jellio on June 21, 2009 12:42 PM.

I don't watch this show, or any reality show with any degree of faithfulness, so I don't know if J&K did artificial insemination or if they used fertility drugs. But what I do know....is that when a person decides to artificially inseminate, they have a choice of how many fertilized eggs are implanted. If you aren't ridiculously affluent, and you already have a set of twins, why would you choose to have 6 implanted? I know that generally not all the eggs you have implanted actually become full term babies, but there's that chance, so why take it? Why not have 2 implanted?
And same applies for fertility drugs....if you are struggling with 2, then don't pay lots of money to take drugs that cause you to pop extra eggs.

Bottom-line.....if you don't have the money to support 8 kids, then don't have that many.

Then you wouldn't need to sell your soul to the devil that is not-so-real reality TV to pay for all the kids that you can't afford to raise.

said Vicky on June 22, 2009 1:03 AM.

Try to avoid TLC ( The Litter Channel ) these days, since they seem to promote the uterus as clown car and think that popping the rugrats out like chicklets is a learning experience. Just when did this have anything to do with learning, more like something for the humps at VH1, at least they make no bones about being trash. The only ones I feel sorry for now are us, we'll be paying for this train wreck in the future!!!

said mekon12 on June 22, 2009 9:25 AM.

When you already have twins, your budget barely covers it, why, oh why should you want not six, but even one more fertilized egg inside you?
Damn, haven't they heard about the overpopulation growing number?

Seriously, it's not reasonable what they did. I had watched some of the episodes--my wife likes everything related to kids and babies and similar stuff on TV, but thankfully she's not a clown car--and I have to say... Echo, you're damn right. This guy has been constantly trampled and beaten and cut by his control-freak wife.
He's been chewing and swallowing it for a long long time. This out-of-marriage affair, that I got to know from you guys--was maybe an easy way to soothe all the headache he's been enduring since his wife started to be a bitch.
I'm afraid he's going to find his rupture point one day and go on a wild rampage over her, hopefully he'll let the kids alive, and then run to the woods and live like a wild animal. Like the man he wanted to be, not the ball-less man that's shown on TV.

By the way, Echo... they've been on American Chopper, right? That's confusing me, because I don't know what to think... Are the Teutuls making choperized-baby-bikes? Or are they starting a new concept of a bike towing a minivan? Maybe it's a extended chopper, where you can sit 4 (mom driving, two bigger girls in the middle and dad on the rear seat) and two side cars that can hold 3 kids each. It's like a limo-chopper.

said Leonardo Carvalho on June 22, 2009 10:27 AM.

They made Jon a pretty badass chopper (and Jon is actually a good rider). They also re-did a scooter for Kate, which was nothing more than putting paint splotches on it.

said Echowood on June 22, 2009 11:33 AM.

Maybe now he can get himself a time off from her...

But I liked the side-cars idea better...

said Leonardo Carvalho on June 22, 2009 11:36 AM.

I caught the very tail end of the show - they filed for divorce yesterday.

I'd love to be in the court when their lawyers move to have the proceedings sealed - to protect the family's privacy. Just to see the judge laugh himself to death.

said Kevin L. on June 23, 2009 8:02 AM.

That was good, Kevin.
I wonder how will they split the kids. Will the kids be numbered from 1 to 8 and one gets the even and the other gets the odd numbers, or maybe they'll pick 4 numbers each from a hat and see what they've got.

said Leonardo Carvalho on June 23, 2009 9:12 AM.

Note to Jon - just cause you knock up a chick (8 times), doesn't mean you have to marry her. You only have yourself to blame bro.

said E on June 23, 2009 11:14 PM.

Hey, Divorce is a serious issue...

Especially when there's a T.V. show involved

said Sheriff Pablo on June 24, 2009 10:15 AM.

Echo and I were talking last night about the odds that there will be a ratings induced reconciliation. I say it's 5-2.

said Johnny Wright on June 24, 2009 10:48 AM.

Who the hell are those morons? I couldn't care less about them!

said Hector Brenes on July 8, 2009 4:48 AM.

oh ok, now I see where the american chopper thing is coming from.. was thinking along the lines of teeth at first...

still trying to figure out who gives a fuck though...

in a clown car?

said anonymouse on July 12, 2009 12:15 AM.
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