For the last two days, I've been reporting from the Kentucky Derby as a guest of Axe. If you haven't yet read the first four parts of this odyssey, you should do so now, because what's about to unfold relates directly to those events. Go ahead - I'll mix a Mint Julep and be waiting for you at the bar.
All caught up? I can sure write the shit out of that stuff when I apply my drunken mind to it, don't you think?
So let's proceed with the tale. For, with the Derby, they say you should never rip up your betting slips until you've heard the official call, because sometimes the photos can tell a different story. And so it proved.
After we arrived back at the house, the evening concluded with a comparatively sedate denouement. Plasma lightstorms cast a purple glow across white tablecloths, laid by attentive staff in anticipation of a catered dinner. In one corner, a private Oxygen bar offered recovery to those for whom the atmosphere of Churchill Downs Grandstands had proved too lofty, while an abundant supply of cigars convinced the rest of us that we still belonged to the Elite.
And as the meal unfolded, we heard once more of The Fixers, the initiative from Axe that we were there to promote. It's a given that we writers - no matter how jaded - are apt to listen to a sales pitch more favorably when softened with alcohol, strippers and gambling.
It's an entertaining site - with sections where you can prank your friends by fooling them into believing you've uploaded their details to a Fling.com knockoff, and add their face to questionable situations. The underlying message is that no matter what depths of depravity the night can bring, Axe Shower Gel is there to scrub the stench from your skin and the decay from your mind, allowing you to start the day anew. All of which is summed up for those with a short attention span in the ubiquitous commercial spot.
And as I watched, I felt a tightening, as my balls softly curled up into my scrotum (coincidentally not unlike the way they react when hit with the menthol additive in Axe Shock). But in this case, the only active ingredient was my racing mind.
So now I need you to first watch this clip, and pay attention, because there's some things you should notice. From The Fixer's channel on YouTube:
And a dread came over me, a creeping slick of sweat that spread from my temple down my back. If you've experienced Fincher's The Game, Fowles' The Magus or even the goddam Truman Show, you'll know that feeling. That crashing realization that the world is not what it seems, and you've been played, manipulated. You've been Fixed.
Exhibits for the prosecution, a side-by-side forensic report, laid out for your careful examination.
There was nothing left except to enter a shower stall, grab the Axe Snake Peel Scrub. And scrub. And scrub. And scrub
My thanks to all the team at Unilever for a memorable and one-of-a-kind experience. Cheers, mates.