yahoo (yä'hōō) n.
an uncultivated or boorish person; lout; philistine; yokel.
Back in the Olden Days, when you had a nagging question, you consulted a doctor, counselor, librarian or other trained professional.
In the Not-Quite-As-Olden-Days, you called into a radio show or listened to the sage advice of a psychologist (or an actor who played one) on TV.
Nowadays, there's Yahoo! Answers, which resolves your queries using all the power of the Internet. And by "power" I mean "skull-thumping moronity."
The basic idea is as follows:
- Some dipshit formulates a question that neither the voices in his/her head, Glenn Beck, nor Google can answer.
- This dipshit types said question into Yahoo! Answers, often ending the question with a question mark (sometimes several, for those really nagging questions.)
- Other dipshits from all over the world post their answers.
- Still more dipshits vote on which of the other dipshits' answers is the least dipshitty.
- If Question-Posting Dipshit accepts the "Best Answer" picked by the Voting Dipshits, then the question is deemed "resolved," and QPD goes back to sodomizing a sheep, sticking body parts in light sockets, and/or coming up with more dipshit questions for Yahoo! Answers.
Got it? Cool. Then let's explore 10 of the forehead-slapping-est nuggets of populist curiosity, shall we?
Really? Poop? The "Best Answer" chosen for this one was written by a nurse, and is a 210-word paragraph that basically says, "take a shower." I'd take it a step further and add, "stop shitting the bed." This two-pronged approach should work quite effectively.
(By the way, if you think I'm making these questions up, just click on the quotes to see them in context on Yahoo! Answers.)
Can you catch AIDs off of a dog?
On a film.. a dog licked a mans asshole.. couldn't he catch AIDs now?
Come on, now. Everyone knows you don't catch AIDS from dogs, you catch it from public toilets that have been used by George Michael. In fact, a dog's saliva is so chock-full of antibacterial enzymes, that film star's asshole is now actually impervious to AIDS. (Unless you're talking about Chicken AIDS -- see next question.)
Can you catch aids from sex with a chicken?
a mate told me he'd dun it, an he is well scared, wot do i tell 'im?
Ah, the classic "for a friend" advice solicitation. This poster may as well have picked the username "ChickenFucker2009."
And the best part? The "Best Answer" voted by the Dipshiterati does not include any variation of "don't fuck chickens," but rather, "tell your friend to use protection when having intercourse with birds."
Unfortunately, the follow-up query, "what kind of protection?" appears to be missing -- I haven't really read the fine print on condom wrappers for a while, but I don't seem to recall any particular brand being "beak-resistant." (It's clearly an untapped market for a budding entrepreneur, though.)
About as much time as it takes you to look up the word "suppository."
Does a person who doesn't know the difference between "they're," "there" and "their" know they don't know the difference between "they're," "there" and "their"?
But seriously, the answer is no -- once a retarded person realizes he or she is retarded, that person instantly ceases to be retarded (in much the same way a 2nd, identical bump on the head cures amnesia.) After such an epiphany, the formerly retarded person then has the option of leaving the Republican party.
If muslims ever were to infest and take over Italy, will they dynamite all of the priceless arts, Michalangel?
Michelangelo, Sistine Chapel ceiling, cathedrals, Mona Lisa, and all that other evil stuff that offends muslims?
No, dynamite is too expensive -- they will use home-made explosives crafted from old turbans. Fortunately, Italy has gotten proactive about this impending threat of infestation, lining their borders with No-Muslim Strips™ and sprinkling Raid Muslim Powder™ all over the country's carpeting.
And the Mona Lisa is safe either way, as it is kept in The Loofa, which is in France.
Where can I buy a retarded monkey?
I want a pet monkey, but I don't want it to be smart enough to escape from my car while it's parked outside my office. Are there special shelters that house retarded monkeys?
If anyone would know the answer to that question, it's this man.
How do you make your son gay?
i've always wanted a gay son...but i don't exactly know how to make him gay
Unfortunately, this is no longer possible, since Bravo cancelled "Queer Eye." However, you can make your son at least bi, if you happen to have multiple seasons of "Entourage" on DVD.
Your ex-girlfriends'. While you're having sex. And try to create a smell of poop and/or sweat while you're at it -- that'll show her!
When ants start to swarm your semen, is it a sign that your blood glucose level is high and you are diabetic.?
No, it's a sign that you're about to get kicked out of your company picnic!
Well, friends, that's about enough moronity for one day -- I can feel the stupidity starting to infest my brain like a Muslim infests Italy, and I need to save a few IQ points for tying my shoelaces later. But fear not -- there are plenty more questions being asked of Yahoo! Answers even as we speak....