Coming on the heels of our fourth (and final?) installment of America's fastest growing game Pit of Hades, we bring you another joyous exercise. We'll see who can take this one too seriously and embarrass themselves. Most of us have been chatting with our pals and a particularly repellant celebrity is mentioned and someone says "Man, if I could punch five people in the face, Perez Hilton would be on the list." Of course he would be. Slimy hack.
Well, you reprobates have all been pretty good lately, so I'm giving you the chance to actually make your list and put it out for public consumption.
Be creative. Be as mean as you want.
Bill O'Reilly and Rush Limbaugh seemed a little too obvious to me. They are a given. Like the free space in bingo.
I was going to put Jose Canseco on my list, but some Korean giant took care of it for me.
My list is as follows:
John Stockton - I love when Utah Jazz fans delude themselves and say that Stockton is the greatest point guard in NBA history. He is at best seventh. Magic is one, there is no debate. Followed by Oscar Robertson, Isaiah Thomas, Bob Cousy, Walt Frazier and Steve Nash. I'd take Tiny Archibald, Jason Kidd and Gary Payton over Stockton as well. The real reason I'd punch him? He was an incredibly dirty player hiding behind a choir boy façade. It isn't a contestable point. He was a dirty cheap shot artist.
The Times Square Naked Cowboy - Maybe you've seen this idiot on your vacations here to Gotham. He stands in Times Square in his underpants and has tourists put a fiver in his boot to get a picture. That's fine. Here's why I hate the guy. He doesn't play a song. He stands there with a guitar and says "I'm the Naked Cowboy, coming to a town near you." Learn a song, dammit! How about some Johnny Cash? Hank Williams? Something? Makes me crazy. Worst busker ever.
Hillary Clinton - I know I'm not supposed to hit women but I think the cankles, overall personality and testicles means I get a pass on a technicality.
Cristiano Ronaldo (Manchester United Forward/Metrosexual/Crybaby) - An international selection. Even his running is annoying. And I refuse to forgive him for his role in getting Wayne Rooney sent off in the 2006 World Cup. Quit putting more pomade into your hair at halftime and diving you sissy.
Andy Warhol - Yeah, yeah, he's dead, but "Napoleon in rags" was terrible. Avant-garde ... Avant-garde is French for horse crap. It's also code for "I really wanted to be an artist but I'm rubbish so I'll just claim it's avant-garde." Maybe I could slap around his skull a little bit and rearrange his bones to spell out "SUCK."
Howard Schultz (Evil Owner of Starbucks) & David Stern (NBA Dictator) - I figure I could get 'em both with one wild haymaker double-punch. I'll never forgive Schultz for selling my Sonics to the weasels in Oklahoma City or Stern for letting it happen. Recently the team-who-shall-not-be-named scored the third pick in the upcoming NBA draft. Meaning they could grab Spanish point guard phenom Ricky Rubio. (After Blake Griffin and Hasheem Thabeet.) The player I would want most in this draft. Rubio went on the record and basically said don't bother drafting me because I won't sign a contract in Oklahoma. Wanna bet he would have signed in Seattle? Best of luck re-signing Kevin Durant! Freaking travesty.
(SIDENOTE: I'd also like to give an honorary spot to the dope that is trying to visit all the Starbucks in the world. Dumbest quest ever? Perhaps. "Hey, cool, this one also has overpriced coffee, snacks and CD's just like every other store I've been to." Visit college football stadiums or something you swine.)
Michael Moore - "I relate to the common man and am still working class." Why, Mike, because you're fat and wear a baseball cap? Please. You're a money-grubbing phony. And your "documentaries" are laughable nonsense.
Larry the Cable Guy - No, I don't think he's funny, but that's not the reason I'd like to pop him. There is no Larry the Cable Guy. He wasn't funny as Dan Whitney so he came up with a character. Okay, that's legal. But he never appears out of character, as himself. Ali G is a character. Sasha Baron Cohen makes that clear to the audience and appears as the character when appropriate and as himself otherwise. Stephen Colbert makes sure the difference between him and his onscreen persona are known. Larry is a scam. And he's not funny.
Any Random Paparazzi Guy - Just to make a point. You are vermin.
Dr. James Fetzer (Founder of "Scholars" for 9/11 Truth) - A real dirtbag. Continuing to put out their bile for the gullible to read. There is no conspiracy. What makes these people detestable is they write books and give lectures to other dopes. Charging for it. They have profited from that terrible day they claim to care about. It makes me sick.
In this corner, you and your anger! In this corner, annoying people who have a metaphorical whooping coming to them!
Ding. Ding.
Post Script: 25 points to the first person who can name the great boxer pictured at the head of the post...
My list is as follows:
John Stockton - I love when Utah Jazz fans delude themselves and say that Stockton is the greatest point guard in NBA history. He is at best seventh. Magic is one, there is no debate. Followed by Oscar Robertson, Isaiah Thomas, Bob Cousy, Walt Frazier and Steve Nash. I'd take Tiny Archibald, Jason Kidd and Gary Payton over Stockton as well. The real reason I'd punch him? He was an incredibly dirty player hiding behind a choir boy façade. It isn't a contestable point. He was a dirty cheap shot artist.
The Times Square Naked Cowboy - Maybe you've seen this idiot on your vacations here to Gotham. He stands in Times Square in his underpants and has tourists put a fiver in his boot to get a picture. That's fine. Here's why I hate the guy. He doesn't play a song. He stands there with a guitar and says "I'm the Naked Cowboy, coming to a town near you." Learn a song, dammit! How about some Johnny Cash? Hank Williams? Something? Makes me crazy. Worst busker ever.
Hillary Clinton - I know I'm not supposed to hit women but I think the cankles, overall personality and testicles means I get a pass on a technicality.
Cristiano Ronaldo (Manchester United Forward/Metrosexual/Crybaby) - An international selection. Even his running is annoying. And I refuse to forgive him for his role in getting Wayne Rooney sent off in the 2006 World Cup. Quit putting more pomade into your hair at halftime and diving you sissy.
Andy Warhol - Yeah, yeah, he's dead, but "Napoleon in rags" was terrible. Avant-garde ... Avant-garde is French for horse crap. It's also code for "I really wanted to be an artist but I'm rubbish so I'll just claim it's avant-garde." Maybe I could slap around his skull a little bit and rearrange his bones to spell out "SUCK."
Howard Schultz (Evil Owner of Starbucks) & David Stern (NBA Dictator) - I figure I could get 'em both with one wild haymaker double-punch. I'll never forgive Schultz for selling my Sonics to the weasels in Oklahoma City or Stern for letting it happen. Recently the team-who-shall-not-be-named scored the third pick in the upcoming NBA draft. Meaning they could grab Spanish point guard phenom Ricky Rubio. (After Blake Griffin and Hasheem Thabeet.) The player I would want most in this draft. Rubio went on the record and basically said don't bother drafting me because I won't sign a contract in Oklahoma. Wanna bet he would have signed in Seattle? Best of luck re-signing Kevin Durant! Freaking travesty.
(SIDENOTE: I'd also like to give an honorary spot to the dope that is trying to visit all the Starbucks in the world. Dumbest quest ever? Perhaps. "Hey, cool, this one also has overpriced coffee, snacks and CD's just like every other store I've been to." Visit college football stadiums or something you swine.)
Michael Moore - "I relate to the common man and am still working class." Why, Mike, because you're fat and wear a baseball cap? Please. You're a money-grubbing phony. And your "documentaries" are laughable nonsense.
Larry the Cable Guy - No, I don't think he's funny, but that's not the reason I'd like to pop him. There is no Larry the Cable Guy. He wasn't funny as Dan Whitney so he came up with a character. Okay, that's legal. But he never appears out of character, as himself. Ali G is a character. Sasha Baron Cohen makes that clear to the audience and appears as the character when appropriate and as himself otherwise. Stephen Colbert makes sure the difference between him and his onscreen persona are known. Larry is a scam. And he's not funny.
Any Random Paparazzi Guy - Just to make a point. You are vermin.
Dr. James Fetzer (Founder of "Scholars" for 9/11 Truth) - A real dirtbag. Continuing to put out their bile for the gullible to read. There is no conspiracy. What makes these people detestable is they write books and give lectures to other dopes. Charging for it. They have profited from that terrible day they claim to care about. It makes me sick.
In this corner, you and your anger! In this corner, annoying people who have a metaphorical whooping coming to them!
Ding. Ding.
Post Script: 25 points to the first person who can name the great boxer pictured at the head of the post...
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Magic was better than Oscar Robertson? Hmm.
I'd say I agree with like half your choices. Warhol and Mike Moore gots to go.
Bono would be on my list. Hey Bono! Get off the cross we need the wood!
1. Dick Cheney - giving the Dark Lord a bad name
2.The programers for TLC ( The Litter Channel ) - when did learning have anything to do with how many snot-noses you can drop?
3.Dan Snyder and Vinnie Cerento - for playing live fantasy football with a team that deserves better and screwing up royally
4.Keith Obermann - What's up with that goofy smirk and the transvestite clone on later
5.Any hollywood star who thinks that since they're on camera, they're opinions are the only ones.
I believe that the fighter is the original " Rocky", Rocky Marciano.
Five rings E. Magic can't be touched.
I don't want to dis Magic, but Oscar has a ring and he didn't have Kareem...
While we are in the Basketball arena I'd like to jackslap Bobby Knight. Very successful coach and an asshole and a bully. Fuk him and his dipshit fans.
25 points to mekon12. That is the amazing Rocky Marciano.
I like to Dan Snyder pick. Solid.
Magic Johnson -- as a commentator, not a player. Way to LA (Kobe specific) biased for me.
Tipper & Al Gore -- She ticked me off back in the 80's with all her music censorship stuff. He gets a Nobel Prize for a Powerpoint Presentation???
The cast of the OC/Hills/similar shows -- Exactly why should I care who & what these people have ever done other than live in a swank subdivision???
As much as I love him, Magic is a horrendous commentator. Watch how he says something that isn't funny, laughs at his own comment and everyone else on the show laughs too because he is Magic Johnson.
my five.
1. bret favre. what a dick.
2. howard stern. radio has-been dick.
3. john stewart. t.v. has-been dick. watching him is like trying to watch mad t.v..
4. this one is a pick'em. any of the catholic pervs. you pick one, i'll punch the fucker.
5. dennis radar (the btk killer) what a douche. and a dick.
Phatlard reappears with a solid double down the line. BTK. What a dick...
1) The paparazzi who stalk pseudo-celebs.
2) The magazines that buy the pics from the paparazzi
3) The people who buy the magazines (do we need to know that 'celebs' pump their own gas? really?)
4) The celebs who are only famous because they hang out where the paparazzi will be.
5) The women who birthed the pseudo-celebs and the paparazzi.*
*exception--me, in case my mini-rant brings on the karma that will make me the mom of one of those folks (I blame the FH's half of their gene pool)
1.) Amy Winehouse...oops looks like someone beat me to it
2.) A twofer - Kurt Cobain and Eddie Vedder for ruining rock and roll in the 90s
3.) Fred Durst - Do I need a reason?
4.) Kobe Bryant - Hey Asshole, You're not Jordan and you never will be. He was a team player, you aren't. Get bent.
5.) One single random person on the street - Just because
As for point guards: Mark Price, Great talent on a horrible team.
note to self---stay off of the street today.
I'm not the kind of guy that hits women, never did it and hopefully never will, but as I'm only sending a virtual punch...
1. Paris Hilton
2. Omarosa
3. Octo Whore
4. Girls who think they're 10x hotter than they actually are NOT.
5. The motherfucking owner of a motherfucking poodle that hates me and tries to bite me every time we meet on the street. Actually today I want to hit her food-hole with the sole of my shoe, because when her little devil tried to chew my leg and I jumped to escape, I landed on its pile of crap. Creamy stinky shit! I hate them both.
No matter how hard I try to avoid them changing the streets I walk on, the time I'm passing there, we end up meeting. I think the girl hates me and does it just to piss me off. At least two times a week. Bitch!
I'll check back later for more punches... it really calms us down... it's relaxing...
How dare you, Sheriff. You know what I'm talking about.
I loved Mark Price too.
SP, really?
Are you going to argue that the men who wore make-up and used hair spray yet didn't shower for weeks on end (according to their own books) in the 80s didn't ruin rock and roll?
If you are, that's fine.
Rock and roll is an ever evolving form....and any form of it beats any boy band and the choreographer they rode in on.
Agreed Sarcky... although we have to agree that emocore can't be classified as rock n' roll...
I kind of like Amy Winehouse.
Does anyone like Paris Hilton?
Her ass lickers like her paying the bill at the night club, her dog like her buying expensive golden dog food, she likes herself...
I don't know if anyone else does.
The paparazzi I guess. I wonder what the people who watch her tv show are thinking.
They are thinking "Where the hell is the remote--and when do I get out of this full body cast?"
"I wonder what the people who watch her tv show are thinking."
"her tv show" and "thinking" don't belong to the same sentence... no sire!
I know i know, But Motley Crue in their 50s STILL rocks harder than Nirvana and pearl jam ever did, and Guns and Roses in their prime (Read: Axl, Slash, Duff, Izzy, Matt.) are the best rock band the 80s ever produced. (Metallica - Close second) I should say that Cobain and Vedder killed Metal, not rock. Thank god metallica and ACDC brought it back to life last year...
....Unless J-Dub is a secret Fred Durst fan, in which case I still apologize for nothing.
I need to add one to my punch in the head list.
The idiots that reply to craigslist ads in order to try to scam innocent people...
luckily it is usually easy to spot them if you read the responses. No one is ever that polite or in that much of a hurry in real life.
I now amuse myself by giving them very outlandish responses. You want a week at the rental rate of $150/night (vacation home--not my services)? That will be $5000 please.....
And I throw in a dash of sarcasm as well. You mean you are really eager for your wife's employer to pay for you honeymoon? Wow!!! Send me fake money ASAP--after I give you all of my vital info from this and the next lifetime!!!!
Oy.
Did I mention that was to be paid in small, unmarked bills, left in a purple nylon attache case in the phone booth near Madison Sq Garden?
That's how i order pizza....
That fucking assface that does those Six-Flags commercials. "More punches more fun!"
Pornface Pelosi. But then again if you punch her she'd probably orgasm.
David I-have-turned-out-to-be-a-creep Letterman.
Jim freaking ain't I all sugar and spice nice Nance. God, I would really like to punch that smarmy puss.
That may be the first person ever to pissed at Jim Nantz.