'Twas twilight last I tweeted, 'tween triumph and tragedy, while twisting a twig twirling and tracing trapezoids as if twine 'twas trilling toward my twin. I've been using Twitter for the last month and have realized that it has added nothing to my life. If anything, it's taken away from it. I'm not the man I used to be. I've lost friends, I've made enemies, and I speak like a taffy chewing Barbara Walters. I set out with lofty ambitions, and found that my 140 character insights, poetic haikus, were nothing more than discussing what I ate for dinner. I've shamed my family. I did not discover the meaning of life. And I spent an hour while at work, wondering if I should TwitPic a photo of my pubes. For the past month, I've discovered several insights about my twitter feed.
- It is possible to insult an entire state. (North Carolina is a great place if you're functionally retarded.)
- Announcing where and when you'll be getting drinks will result in a sum of zero people showing up. (Drinks at the Boat Basin @ 8pm! Come get your drinks/sunset on!)
- Talking about writing an article will result in a lot of help, and yet more disappointment when I don't follow through. (I'm putting together an article on the most intense action scenes in movie history ... any suggestions?)
- What you thought was funny really isn't, especially in light of a deadly pandemic. (Swine Flu isn't a pandemic. Disco Fever ... that shit was a pandemic! It affected almost all of us. Afterward, no one was the same.)
- Insightful remarks about life, or at least remarks you thought were insightful, will result in absolutely no response. (There is a direct correlation between the health of the economy and the amount of dog shit left on the sidewalk.)
- Attempts at appearing both dark and mysterious will have the opposite effect. (I was praised for being "abstemious" this weekend and had to rush home to look up the definition, which was hard because I was drunk.)
- There is such a thing as being too honest. (The truth: I've spent the last half hour in my office pulling extremely long hairs out of my eyebrows. This happens when you're 30.)
- And again...(I may have O.D.'d on Jamba Juice. I'm bloated, everything smells like raspberries, and I feel a dangerously loud fart building.)
- And yet again...(I'm intimidated by the girth of my nose hair.)
- It's possible to insult self-asphyxiation aficionados. (I'm torn between my love of self-asphyxiation and my allergy of plastic bags.)
- Obscure early 90's pop-culture references don't go over at all. (Seriously folks... Donna Martin graduates. Let's make that happen.)
- And finally, my morning experience is not without it's pleasantries. (Nothing like waking up to the sound of my cat vomiting somewhere in the distance.)
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Gee, Echo
I would say you have done pretty well in one month's time.
Look at all the enlightenment, the self-discoveries you have obtained. As for myself, I have learned.....I have nothing to say.
Have you come to a decision about twitpic'ing your pubes?
Echo, just stick to insulting the smallest states instead.
I understood the Donna Martin one. And the Jamba Juice one was funny--because I'm way too far away to be able to smell it.
Basically, what Twitter has taught you is that you are human and just say stuff--but it leaves a more permanent record of your thoughts w/o a filter.
If I ever have to go under anesthesia I am going to be spouting random phrases like "Echo twitpics his pubes" and "Dave thinks he's a douchebag"
I think you might be right...you'd better quit while you're ahead. And still have one shred of dignity left. You might have already passed that point, though.
As a longtime resident of North Carolina, I am going to defend my state a little. I was born in Connecticut Echo like you! But this state has been my home off and on since I was 7. It is retarded, and there are so many retarded people in it, but the state itself can be quite pleasant. We are one of the few states that have both awesome mountains and awesome beaches. The people suck dick, but then again, where do people not suck. They suck, they're fat, loud, pig-faced leeches that suck the soul out of others with their ignorance, bravado, and feeling that they are way more important than you. Anyways, we just passed a smoking ban here, if we can do that in the tobacco road, it at least shows we are not complete fuckups.
Your tweets make me laugh.
Now if only the same could be said of my tweets.
Cleet it almost sounded like you were talking about where I'm at in South Carolina for a moment there but then I realized that you do have better mountains than us (thus why I spend as much time as possible in Asheville). I personally think we here in SC do have you beat in the retard race though.
Cleet - My apologies, again, for insulting your adopted state. I apologized for my error over in our forums. It was more a dig at my significant other who was dragging me to a wedding at Duke rather than the state at large. Now, I'm four hours away from hopping on a plane down to South Carolina. So I'll see who truly wins the retard race.
I believe Conan said it best: "North Carolina: Doing South Carolina doggystyle for 346 years."
I think this tee sums it up:
http://www.tshirtwatch.com/blog/2006/12/16/north-carolina-slogan-tee-from-palmer-cash/
That's fuckin hilarious cleet and sarc! Hey if anyone ever heads down this way, let me know as I'm always looking for an excuse to travel!
I'm heading down to Myrtle Beach next month with my wife, 3 daughters and Mom. Please don't be offended if I don't bring them by to meet my good friend Bigus Dickus.
Girls: "Daddy, why do we have to leave? We want to play on the beach today."
Me: "We're going to meet one of daddy's friends who lives nearby."
Girls: "What's his name?"
Me: "Bigus."
Girls: "Bigus who?"
Me: "Bigus Dickus."
Wife: "Hmmmm."
Girls: "Daddy sucks! Daddy sucks!"
Wife: "Shutup girls, daddy never gets to see his friends."
Mom: "What's so funny about the name Bigus Dickus."
Girls: "Grandma?!?!"
Wife: "I can't wait to meet him."
Mom: "Best. Vacation. Ever."