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A Guide to Horrible Wedding Themes
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Your wedding day is a day you'll remember for ever. Surrounded by friends, professing your love for your significant other, and celebrating a new life together. It's not supposed to be about you and the cast from Deep Space Nine. Wedding season is upon us, and we've collected some of the worst ideas possible, should you decide that you want to go with a theme wedding.

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The Star Trek Wedding
Here's an idea, why not gather every single person you know, and demonstrate why you were shoved into lockers throughout high school? I'm sure no one will think less of you when you're "called to the bridge" to tie the knot. And the single men in the audience (let's face it, there will be a plethora), won't be pissed at all when they have to choose between a Borg or a Klingon to dance with. Granted, the fact that you've actually found someone else to share your life with is astounding given your bacne and constant runny nose. But do yourself a favor - realize that, at some point, you may have children (if you figure out how to put that phaser on stun), and they'll probably want to look at your wedding album. Seeing Mom dressed up like Scotty may not give them hope for their future generations.

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The Renaissance Wedding
Did you not see Braveheart? Because, the end of that wedding didn't turn out so well for Mel's wife. And really, why celebrate a time when we didn't have things like flushing toilets and Megan Fox? Trust me, you'd be plenty pissed off if you lived 500 years ago. Everything you ate would be dirty, you'd more than likely shovel shit for a living, and they never even heard of Google Maps. So why put the groom in tights and make him say shit in iambic pentameter?

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The Pirate Wedding
Take a quick spin around CNN.com these days and ask yourself if you really think it's the best thing to have a pirate themed wedding. (Though, I'd give you amazing credit if you pulled of a Somali pirate-themed wedding complete with machine guns and emaciated teenagers.) Sure, the success of Pirates of the Caribbean made us all fans of the buccaneer lifestyle, but when you're putting on eye-liner and forcing the bride to drink rum soaked in more rum, perhaps you've gone too far. Why not save yourself the embarrassment of looking like you got married on a ride in Disney World, and simply dress up like a giant dildo, walk down to City Hall with your bride-to-be, and take a picture of yourself getting repeatedly punched in the face. Trust me, you won't be nearly as ashamed as would in 20 years when you revisit the ol' wedding album. Plus, you'd save a boat-load of cash, assuming the dildo costume doesn't run you too much.

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The Lord of the Rings Wedding
Best case scenario: everyone mistakenly thinks you're having a renaissance themed wedding. Worst case scenario: the only outfit that fits your bride is the dwarf costume. Plus, you're really going to take it to such an extent that you require elf ears? Really? Attaching plastic tips to your ears is something you want to spend most of your wedding day doing? And isn't it just a bit craptastic that your wedding ring looks exactly like the one ring, and you're probably one of 50,000 different couples who have it? You may think you're original, but you aren't. And I have a sinking suspicion that the groom won't look nearly as badass as Viggo Mortensen. Shit, he may not even look as badass as the Cave Troll.

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The Star Wars Wedding
Take a long hard look at that photo above. That mask the groom is wearing? That's a bigger abomination than the prequels. And, honestly, when you're picking out costumes, who goes with Admiral Akbar? That's like saying your favorite candy bar is Zagnut. No one picks Zagnut and no one picks Admiral Akbar. Please, get some dignity. Shower. Shave. Brush your teeth. As much as you'd like to celebrate the rebel alliance, I'm sure your folks don't want to hang their heads in shame as you walk down the aisle and are met by Princess Leia in a (poorly fitting) metal bikini.

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15 Comments

Someone find the Guide of YBNBY Terms and Phrases. We have a few new entries.

said Tim on May 6, 2009 1:42 PM.

How bout the Jerry Springer themed wedding. That's always classy.

said E on May 6, 2009 2:00 PM.

No. No Echo. You are not going to sour my plans for a "Hoosiers" themed wedding. Where I, the handsome groom, am dressed in Jimmy Chitwood's jersey, Gene Hackman (Coach Norman Dale) officiates in a vintage gymnasium, our vows have the phrases, " I've seen you guys can shoot but there's more to the game than shooting. There's fundamentals and defense," and "run the picket fence at 'em." Then Hackman says, Mr. Chitwood, do you take this Hickory High cheerleader to be your lawfully wedded wife?" and I look him in the eye and say earnestly ... "I'll make it."

After that me and the groomsman run a reenactment of the final shot from the 1954 Indiana State Championship Game. I drill a 15 foot pull-up jumper at the buzzer. The crowd will go wild! Wild, I tell you!

No! You are not wrecking this for me! Hickory! His feet were planted! You were in no position to make the call! Hickory!!!

said Johnny Wright on May 6, 2009 2:17 PM.

What's with this Hoosiers nonsense? You told me you wanted a Xanadu wedding. Who are you lying to Johnny - me, or just yourself?

said Echowood on May 6, 2009 2:21 PM.

Xanadu is pretty goo--what a minute ... what am saying?!? Hickory!

said Johnny Wright on May 6, 2009 2:28 PM.

Always thought an "Outbreak" wedding would be fun.
Everyone quarantined and dead.

said Baierman on May 6, 2009 3:17 PM.

Personally, I'm shooting for a Kung Pow: Enter the Fist wedding.

WEE-OOO!

said TeaFizz on May 6, 2009 3:26 PM.

Johnny, its looks like you've spent more than a minute or two planning your nuptials. I think the Xanadu wedding would be way cooler, though..I mean, you could be on roller skates!! Maybe Jeff Lynne would officiate.

said CindylovesScara on May 6, 2009 8:11 PM.

Doesn't every young man have a 3 ring binder with detailed plans of a "Hoosiers" wedding? Sample menus, color schemes (crimson and gold) and the like?

No? Huh. may need to reevaluate a few things...

said Johnny Wright on May 6, 2009 8:27 PM.

My wedding was spectacular. It was just like the tribunal scene from Planet of the Apes.

I don't think I would have liked a themed wedding.

said Tim on May 6, 2009 9:15 PM.

Vampire wedding anyone?

said Vicky on May 6, 2009 11:16 PM.

I vant to suck your...

nah, it wouldn't work w/grandma there...

said sarcastic one on May 7, 2009 12:02 AM.

"NUQ DAQ YUJ DA'POL - NOOKH DAHKH YUJE DAH'POLE" - I didn't even know she was pregnant!

said E on May 7, 2009 12:36 AM.

My bad, that should have read - " jIH ta'be' 'ach Sov ghaH ghaHta'"
Don't ask me to be best man at your next Trekkie wedding, especially if it's post Shatner (WTF peeps).

said E on May 7, 2009 12:42 AM.

People would be more dignified doing a "The Day the Clown Cried"-themed wedding.

said Don't Swayze Bro on May 7, 2009 10:10 AM.
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