The 80s were highlighted by lots of cheesy feel-good music. Much of it cranked out, especially in the late 80s, by wimpy rock bands dubbed hair bands.
There was a catch though, in order for a hair band, or glam-metal band, to truly make its mark, they had to have a ballad.
And tons of them became hits.
That meant radio stations, keg parties, high school dances and MTV lit up with loads of hairspray, weepy lyrics, tender solos and high pitches male vocals.
There were dozen terrible songs to choose from.
These are some of the worst.
Worst Hair Band songs of the 80s
(Although if you love this music, these might be your favorites.)
Fly to the Angels - Slaughter
All that needs to be said about this song and this band - Take the "S" off their name.
I think the lead singer played Alvin in the recent Chipmunks movie.
Cheese lyric: When I turn and look, And find that you're not there
I try to convince myself, That the pain, the pain, It's still not gone.
Oh Mark Slaughter. They had to give you a tough name with such a girly voice.
Surrender - Trixter
Here's the 1980s version of the Jonas Brothers. (Except these guys got laid.)
In defense, Trixter was like 16 when they wrote this, so what did they know about love. They might have sucked as a band, but this song got them lots of tail.
Gag line: "You use words as a weapon. I use love as a shield. So tell me, why we on this battlefield."
Carrie - Europe
A love song about a girl, what could be so harmless about that?
And the answer is, Europe.
Forgettable lyric: Can't you see it in my eyes, this might be our last goodbye o...ooo....Carrie, Carrie,ooo....who..
PS - Can you guess what continent Europe still sell outs stadiums?
The Smile Has Left your Eyes - Asia
The songs pretty terrible. But the video just sends it FEDEX to crapsville.
Heeeerrree's Asia
Sad lyric: But I never thought Id see you
Standing there with him
So dont come crawling back to me
Sorry, I have no idea if Asia toured with Europe and America in South Africa.
Cryin or Crazy or Amazing - Aerosmith
Take your pick. These songs are catchy but to me, interchangeable. And they came on the same album.
You can sing the chorus of Crazy to the melody of Amazing.
The same goes for Crying with Crazy.
Come Steve and Joe, if you weren't the guys who wrote Big 10 Inch and Mama Kin, I'd rant even more.
"Crazy"
"Amazing"
She Loves my Cock - Jackyl
Damn right it's love song.
Why does it have to be a slow ballad to be a love song? Jackyl says She Loves My Cock is their love song and that's good enough for me.
Dreamy Lyrics: "And you know she's been all around the block.
She's tried a doctor, lawyer, even tried a jock
But she loves my cock
I'll spare you the full song but here's one fans take on it recorded live... (NSFW)
Nobody's Fool - Cinderella
Cinderella breaks out all the cliché' in this defiant ballad. Power cords, love lost, pounding drums.
Listen girl, we may have loved each other but now it's over sweetie. You take your road and I'll take mine. Cuz I'm not your fool!
Love is on the way - Saigon Kick
This was one of the last big hair band ballads of the decade. It may have still been on the air when Teen Spirit broke big. I forget.
Anyway, Love is on the way was Saigon's one big hit, thankfully.
Lyrics Silliness: Lets give it one my try tonight baby...and in the morning I'll be gone away.
High Enough - Damn Yankees
If there was a hair band super group. Damn Yankees was it. Made up from members of Styx, Night Ranger and Ted Nuggent. They made a ton with this hit then pretty much faded away.
Lyrical Jesus Christ!: I just made one mistake, I didn't know what to say when you called me baby.
House of Pain - Faster Pussycat
Tender song about a son missing his daddy. There was no one home in this house of pain. And if you weren't watching Headbangers Ball a lot during the 80s you might have missed this one too.
Too late for love - Def Leppard
Why is a band that had so many monster (and decent) hits in the 80s on this list? They threw in the towel on this ballad. They lyrics may mean something to someone but the chorus just repeats the title. Maybe it was the cocaine talking?
Lyrical laziness: But its too late, too late, too late
Too late for love
Yes its too late, too late, too late
Too late for love
As with many Def song you're supposed get sucked in by the production value, overdubs, all those vocal effects and not pay attention to the fact that this song blows. Blah.
Love of a lifetime - Firehouse
I was a big fan of glam rock. I ate up a lot of cheesy music (including some of the songs on this list) even though I knew it was mostly crap. But I hated this song the first time I heard and I still change the channel when I hear it today.
That fucking chorus urks me to no end. Firehouse - burn. It pains me even to link it here...
Did I miss your most hated 80s ballad?
Then by all means, add to my list. If it's worthy, I'll add it to this master list.
Stumble This
Reddit!
I was gonna mention Damn Yankees, but I see you took care of it. Good call.
Baier-The only YBNBY writer that I wasn't pissed off at, finally put his own nail in his coffin by writing such a piece.
Come on Baier! I've got to admit that this is a hell of a piece of work. However, deep down I wonder if you wrote it specifically to piss me off.
9 years ago on the floor of the Joint at the Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas I, a poor, extremely good looking, college student, stood and watched Las Vegas Native Mark Slaughter Sing Fly to the angels. After the song he came down in the crowd and gave me five. I looked him in the eyes and shouted "You Rock Mark Slaughter!" He looked back at me and said: "No, son, Now you will rock." Something happened that day, Something I can't explain, it was like he passed his mojo or something on to me. I left the Joint that night with half the women following me. I have naver been the same.
The moral: Don't bash what you don't understand Baier.
I can't believe you included anything Aerosmith, and Cinderella?
Screw you Baier.
Dave, I remain a big fan of this music. How do you think I compiled most this list. I've still got the CDs to prove it.
I must be able to laugh at my past, if I am continue to rock on.
Course, I did say, "Although if you love this music, these might be your favorites."
Dave, half the women would have followed you even if you were at an Engelbert Humperdinck concert--have you seen your icon photo? Giving credit to the 80s hair bands is a crutch---embrace your hunkiness and stop giving those guys credit!
And yet, with all of those groupies, you still managed to hold onto your virginity.
Amazing.
What's with the new font? Looks itallicy. No good.
Love Mama Kin, Olde Aerosmith rocked.
What new font?
The comments seem to be in a different, less rockin, font. Maybe it's just me.
Man, I hated this stuff. Just a bunch of pricks in tights.
Well done Baier.
Thanks JW.
I'll burn my best of Poison, Warrant and the Bullet Boys CD for you.
Methinks somebody left a tag open ...
... and even though I hate hair bands, I can't believe you put Cinderella in there. They get a pass as far as I'm concerned. Aerosmith too, except that you nailed the lowpoint for them; that album almost seemed like it had to be a joke. (Kinda like when Van Halen released Diver Down.)
I'll just assume that you felt Poison, Warrant, etc ... were simply too pathetic to include in this analysis.
Leave Poison out of this...their "talk dirty to me" line worked many, many times for me....
Baier- Sorry if I seem angry, I guess I really get angry when I think people are selling out.
Take for example JOHNNY WRIGHT!
Next time you see Johnny ask to see the tatoo on the small of his back.
What you will see is a butterfly tramp stamp. If you look closely, and I mean very closely you will see that the tramp stamp covers the words of Brett Michaels himself, in italics:"Every Rose has it's THorn.."
Don't let Johnny fool you.
WHAT NEXT JOHNNY? A CRUSADE TO KILL MONKEYS????????
How old were you, Sarcky? Twelve?
Well Tim, you have a soft spot for Princess Cinderella. I loved Heart BreakStation, but that's it from them.
Poison, Warrant - I thought their ballads hold up. Something to believe in, Every Rose, Heaven, I saw red, they're solid. In my small mind.
Sometimes she cries almost made the list though.
I think Pump was the first album Aerosmith didn't write themselves. Which makes sense. They started outsourcing
Wow, I didn't realize those Aerosmith songs were three different songs. Those must've come out while I was working Oldies or Country music. When I saw them in concert, Sweet Emotion was a current hit.
Tim, the classic lines* never go out of style...I may have first heard that song way back then, but that line still worked as recently as last week...
watch those angelic daughters of yours...
*right up there with "Do you have a mirror in your pants? Because I can really see myself in them...."
"When I saw them in concert, Sweet Emotion was a current hit."
You really know how to hurt a guy, don't you Miss C.
I can't kill monkeys out of respect to to Lord Hanuman.
Sarcky, if those lines work for you ...
I don't even know what to say.
Some nights Headbanger's Ball got pretty rough to watch in those waning days of the 80's when half the songs were ballads. Being a two hour show they couldn't fill it all with the popular ones Bierman mentioned so there were some obscure ones as well. "I Don't Wanna Kiss You Goodbye" by Tuff kept my attention all the way through for the sole purpose they were playing something worse than Love of a Lifetime. I thought Kix was the ant's pants but I could never get behind "Don't Close Your Eyes."
You men are easy.
It's all in the inflection/breathiness....
and it's easier to jump a guy when he's doubled over with laughter....
Another line that works is reassuring a guy when he's stressed is letting him know that every cowboy sings a sad, sad song.
(when he's stressed that every cowboy)
darnitall--I need some caffeine
Tim, remember SO is from Long Island.
And, sadly, that line probably worked a lot with my fellow Long Island boys.
I blame the teased hair and the mullets!
Baier, I have seen photos from all regions of the US circa 1986-1988...there was some Aqua Net being sprayed everywhere....
And I can tell you that those lines work on men in general...
Wait a minute ... I thought you were saying that the lines worked on you, not FOR you. My mistake.
You could have spoken jibberish and the result would have been the same if you even looked cross-eyed at a guy. That's how we roll.
That's why I choose the cheesy lines--to amuse myself. Why go all intellectual if you don't have to?
Borther Bill's forum topic is up to 494...let's break 500 folks!
Feel free to demonstrate you technique, we do have video comments SO
Baier, thanks....but I'm saving it for the courtroom and the cranky judge/indecisive jury.
"Your Honor, do you mind if I tawk dirty to youa?"
E....nice attempt to bait me and get me to use the video--but I can assure you that you came nowhere near nailing my accent (or anything else about me).
Points for effort, though....
and judges are intelligent--it would have to be more subtle...
[stolen from the internet...]
The top ten things that sound dirty in law (but aren't)
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last
minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be
good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one
he could.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't:
1. Think you can get me off?
Sounds raunchy. Brett Michaels would be very proud.
For the record, I'm not sure what a LI accent sounds like but I'm picturing a bubble gum snapping Bon Jovi fan... (not that theres' anything wrong with that.) Fran Dresher maybe?
I recall the headbangers ball era. I didn't run into many people in real life that had hair like these dudes. Or wore spandex. I would point out that Metallica wore jeans and eschewed hair spray, which is probably part of the reason why they are still around.
Finally, if you want to read something funny, read Motley Crues book. It was hilarious.
Fran is a follower of YBNBY and her accent is not pure Long Island.
She has a Queens accent, and it's a magnified/exaggerated version.
As for bubble gum and Bon Jovi....circa 1988, yes. Today, not so much (but then again, Bon Jovi has gone country).
Myself, I have lived a few places and been around enough accents to make mine a mutt conglomerate of sounds---so even I couldn't accurately describe it anymore.
But it does not sound like Marisa Tomei in My Cousin Vinny.
"Myself, I have lived a few places"
"Ive seen a million faces an Ive rocked them all"
When you make love, do you look in the mirror?
Who do you think of?
Does he look like me?
Do you tell lies?
And say that it's forever?
Do you think twice, or just touch and see?
Ooh babe
Oh yeah
When you're alone, do you let go?
Are you wild and willin', or is it just for show?
Ooh C'mon
I don't wanna touch you too much baby
'Cos making love to you might drive me crazy
I know you think that love is the way you make it
So I don't wanna be there when you decide to break it
Lookin' like a tramp, like a video vamp
Demolition woman, can I be your man?
Razzle 'n' a dazzle 'n' a flash a little light
Television lover, baby, go all night
Sometime, anytime, sugar me sweet
Little miss ah innocent sugar me, yeah
Now lets try a little pickup with some grunge power ballad:
I've been locked inside your heart-shaped box for weeks
I've been drawn into your magnet tar pit trap
I wish I could eat your cancer when you turn black.
My favorite inside source
I'll kiss your open sores
I appreciate your concern
You're gonna stink and burn
Bet that one worked all the time didn't it Johnny??
I don't know what "grunge" means. We didn't call anything grunge.
Cobain was a talented musician, but to be fair, I don't think quoting lines from the song Rape Me, is going to make you a hit with the ladies.
Unless you're trying to pickup Courtney Love, then it might. Supposedly Heart Shaped Box was written about her vagina. And some people say romance is dead.
Johnny, you know that I have been smiling as I have been giving you crap as of late right?
Nothing says love like a smiling crapfest.
Yeah, Metallica owned the 90s and sold out in the 2000s.
I long for the Metallica of 1986 or 88.
Of course I do, my son.
JW
It's hard for me to take you seriously when you write this:
Nobody's Fool - Cinderella
Cinderella breaks out all the cliques in this defiant ballad. Power cords, love lost, pounding drums.
Wow.
Does you mean they break out all the cliques of high school? The power
"CORD" clique? (Do they all wear corduroy?) The Love lost clique -
perhaps the lonely theater kids?
I suppose terrible writing / spelling in a blog is an inevitable CLICHE, but if you're going to attack the venerable genre of hair metal, at least take the time to proofread beyond running a cursory spell check.
Baier, you forgot including Boston. I got one of their CDs as a birthday present. I guess who gave me that doesn't like me..
Tim, you're the one here who can talk about declaring your love with a crapload of emotions!
Strunk & White scores from downtown!!!
"Does you mean?"
Yes, I does mean to write cliche'.
You just got served.
Leo,
The only Boston I know to be nothing but a bunch of hair and spandex is the Red Sox. You must have gotten a CD of a Boston cover band.
You means what?
I know, they "doesn't fits"--I couldn't resist--in the aesthetic description, but I've got their CD Walk On... Pick any one--Magdalene, for example--and the lyrics fit in some of the cases stated up there...
"Every band has one pussy song. That's how they find out who the fags are."
I was a lead guitarist in a "Hair Band" in the 80's (81 to 87) in the Boston area and we were guilty of ALL the most horrendous cliches of that era. We played mostly original material, following the protocol of the time, including the infamous "Love Ballad" sung spectacularly by our dynamic female lead vocalist. I'll spare you the details of our two most popular ones, except to say that we made the band "Asia" sound profound. When I listen to recordings from that time, I cringe at our naivet'e. Yet, at the same time, I remember all the hilarious great times we had, along with all the groupies, who were probably attracted to our "Sensitivity" and "Creativity" and "Deep Understanding of things Profane and Sacred". At least until they met the road crew anyway. And, like 10,000 other bands that we played with at the time, we "almost got signed" to a major record label that "we can't name".
I remember it as one of the best times of my life. It was also remarkably stupid. But still lots of fun. I got more beaver than many of you will ever get in 10 lifetimes, with the eager consent of the lovely young ladies involved. Many of these songs you mention remind me of those times, both good and bad.
I also came away with my wonderful wife of 18 years. Now I'm a balding, slightly overweight, minimally successful contractor, rapidly approaching the half century mark, living with my wife and 9 year old daughter in a mortgaged house with car payments etc... Life has been good - not easy, but good. and I recommend this silly path to anyone who chooses it. Thanks for the great laughs on this list. It brings me back...
Wolfe, great story.
I'd love to do an interview!
Awesome Wolfe! Thanks for sharing, that was good. I wish I had been in a band.
Wolfe,
That was a very thoughtful and insightful post. There's no room for anything like that around here.
Also, please be aware that you have used up your quote allotment for the year.
Sincerely,
The Loyal 77
P.S. Baierman is really not all that great with the grammer. When he says interview, he really means "interview". Please take all proper precautions.
Wolfe, great story...and I can guarantee that even if you were only with your wife in your lifetime, you really have still gotten more beaver than I ever have, or ever will....and I'm okay with that.
'cause I'm guessing that a female taking care of business herself does not count.
Sarcky, I think this needs to go under review. Fellers, let's go to the tape!
P.S. I absolutely LOVE the fact that you added the 'or ever will' clause to your statement of beaver scorecard.
fine print...covering my ass....loopholes...researching...all things I'm good at and must be compensated for...hence, law school.
Yo SO, I read a book recently called One L it was about a guys first year at Harvard law school. Interesting book and a good read. You might check it out. Supposedly the first year is the toughest. Go getem tiger!
Wolfe was in a hair band in the 80s, but afterward he's been married 18 years. Damn, time flies when you aren't paying attention. I've been marveling at how so many on the net look at the 80s as "the good old days" and it just reminds me of how much older I am.
Thanks for sharing Wolfe. Hope you come and stay around.
Tim, I just kept wondering over this 'or ever will' and could not prevent thinking about PFC... beaver... ever will... beaver... PFC... mapple syrup... beaver... ever will... jump cable... PFC... beaver...
**sigh**
Let's get back to the imaginary real life.
"I got more beaver than many of you will ever get in 10 lifetimes."
Wolf, as a the only virgin of YBNBY, I would like to congratulate you on such a magnificent quote.
I may need some clarification are you referring to your own beaver?