The written word. When done properly it can raise your heart rate. Language can inspire. Can change lives. Shift paradigms of thought. The prose of Shakespeare, Dickens, Wilde or Hugo has inspired countless millions. Only music has a more drastic artistic impact on society.That is why the world's oldest living chimpanzee deciding to finally write his memoirs is so important.
Cheeta is Hollywood royalty. He's a living legend. What inspiration would he be willing to impart on us? I sat down to read this masterpiece last week. I had no idea a monkey movie star could write this well. Especially without proper opposable thumbs.
For my money, Me Cheeta; My Life In Hollywood is in the top 5 books ever written by a monkey. The tome joins the ranks of some other simian-penned classics. Such as Donkey Kong's autobiography Barrels and Princess's; My Life From the Top, Ollie the Humanzee's Confessions of the Humanzee and Koko the sign language speaking gorilla's touching See What I'm Saying. The pinnacle of monkey authors is, of course, the great gibbon writer Jimmy Dekker. Dekker gave us the immortal adventures of chimpanzee private detective Deuce Dasher. Dekker's hardboiled prose and gritty realism made his detective trilogy instant classics. The writing was terse and bold. Deuce Dasher solved crimes, swigged banana daiquiri's and romanced dames in 1940's Manhattan. The three books, The Congolese Gorilla, A Murder for Mayhem and The Man With Arms Longer Than His Legs set the standard for noir thrillers to follow. Many authors since have mimicked Dekker's straightforward and economic sentences. And his template for the detached, wisecracking antihero private dick.
Cheeta has given us a work that belongs alongside these classics. The chimp is funny, vulgar and honest. Giving us tales of Hollywood as she once was. I have to say, the omission of Cheeta's book really exposes the fallacy of the Oprah Book Club. That lying skunk James Frey's book is a chosen selection and Me Cheeta isn't? that leads me to believe what I have always feared; Oprah hates monkeys. I can connect the dots. Sad.
Cheeta writes lovingly of his childhood in the Liberian jungle. Eating termites, figs and "moonfruit" while playing with his sister Victoria. His mother was a beautiful ape. Cheeta writes that her coat was "beautiful, the color of Coca-Cola refracted through ice, a deep black with an accent of copper." Cheeta was just a baby when the bwana hunters captured him and took him by ship to America. And by chance (or divine intervention?) to Hollywood.
The acting bug bit Cheeta upon his arrival in Tinsel Town and he started going out on auditions. Hollywood was in her infancy and the roles were bitterly fought over. Every day a new bus or steamer ship would arrive with other hopeful apes trying to break into the business of show. But Cheeta was determined. After a couple years of struggling with bit parts he was cast in the Tarzan films alongside Olympic swimming champion Johnny Weissmuller in 1932.
It was high times and fancy parties for Cheeta after that. Rubbing elbows with Errol Flynn, Ingrid Bergman, Marlene Dietrich, Shirley Temple, Clark Gable and the rest of the early Hollywood A-list. Soon came sexual maturity. Cheeta writes that "I lost my virginity to a number of voracious females not of my species while simultaneously entertaining la'crème d'Hollywood with a mischievous critique from Charlie Chaplin." During the run of the Tarzan films, Cheeta was living hard. Romancing leading ladies and sniffing cocaine off the "cleavages of Mary Astor and Tallulah Bankhead." Soon came addiction. Then depression. The Tarzan films were no more. Weissmuller was not there to lean on. Dark times for the most famous ape on the planet not named King Kong.
However, Cheeta fought through it. He became reborn when he dedicated himself to entertaining children and abstract art. It is a story of redemption. Of hope.
We learn of Cheeta's fear of snakes and water. And the bombshell, he hates bananas. Hates bananas! Didn't see that one coming. It's one rip-roaring anecdote after another.
Overall, this is a book that most humans couldn't write, let alone a 76-year-old chimp. You will laugh, cry and cheer. There's something for everyone when a monkey sits down at a typewriter and bears his soul.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I know I did not include the infinity monkeys' Complete Works of Shakespeare in the list of great simian writing. However, the work is a collection of efforts from infinity writers and the main credit should be given to Bill Shakespeare himself. Next month we'll be looking at some of the great monkey albums ever recorded.
Stumble This
Reddit!
For the record, I'm using that picture of you reading the book inquisitively as the picture that pops up on my phone when you call me. It looks like your eyebrows were shaved off and you painted them back on mid-way up your forehead.
By looking at the first photo I can presume that someone has found Tim's buttplug... Just saing.
Dammit Leo...
Echo, you are welcome.
What about Bonzo's tell all about the dark side of Hollywood in the 40's & 50's. So meaty...
Your taste in literature is impressive my young Padowan. Still can't believe what Bonzo said about Nancy Reagan. Wow.
No list of monkey written literature is complete without mention of Bill O'Reilly's collective works. That simian sure knows how to peel the bananas.
and here I thought the greatest monkey book ever written was "5 little monkey's jumping on the bed..."
JW, thanks for spending time at the library to dust this gem off the shelf.
J-dub, you are looking good bro. You are looking fit, like you could kick some ass if you wanted to. (compliment strictly in a heterosexual sense of course.)
So what's up? Is there a specific lady whipping you into shape? Are you trying to land a specific lady? Or just tired of the lonely nights and trying to land any lady?
I mean, it would be hard to believe that you may be depressed. I mean dude, the monkey book would solve that.
Tell me what's going on pal??
Iv'e got a single secretary that I showed the Three chords and a phone booth video of you and Echowood to, and she was interested in the J-dub. While watching the video she pointed and said, who's he? He's cute. I assumed she was pointing to Echo and said, I don't know, some dude that likes to twitter. She said: "No not the dark haired kid, the guy with the hat."
Thought I'd share that with ya. I know Echo won't like hearing that a chick prefers you over him but, I thought you should know. Maybe that happens a lot.
Hasta burrito.
I'm tell you thats Ricky Gervais if I ever saw him.
Where J-dub keeps getting pictures of him I do not know.
I mean look at him, Even wearing a Karl Pilkington T-Shirt. What more proof do you need?
Homeless Frank got it! Man, I was hoping someone would notice I was wearing a Karl Pilkington shirt. My brother Drew sent that to me last year for my birthday. I wore it in tribute to that lovable Mancunian with a head like an effing orange. Well done, pally. It is me though, not my hero Ricky.
Thank you Dave. You're a sweetheart. I'm slimmer and still ready to rumble. No real reason. I'm fine, just been running more and eating less. You can tell your secretary I said "Thank you" and "How you doin?"
More 3 Chords & the Truth coming next week.
Seriously, man.
I want my buttplug back.
I was just being observant. That doesn't give you the ok to call me sweetheart, because I think we both know that if we were in prison it would be me calling you sweetheart.
Gotta go, a fight just broke out in the office....
Yeah, I'm afraid I have to concur with Frank: Gervais and Wright - one and the same.
Remember Johnny's "Secret Mission?" well, it strangely coincided with Gervais' busy career:
Johnny went on "hiatus" on October 9, 2008, the same date that Gervais' "Invention of Lying" which he co-wrote, acted in and is co-director of, entered an incredibly tense and complex stage in post-production, involving (not surprisingly) monkeys and the Black Death.
From Gervais blog on the 9th: "Spent the day at Pinewood mixing for a test screening of This Side of The Truth in LA next week. It's come along very nicely. I honestly think there's no other film quite like it."
The next day, Ricky/Johnny was at the Wildlife Aid Centre in Surrey, commisserating with, of all things, badgers.
So what brought Johnny/Ricky back to the Empire of YesBut on February 7 of this year?
That was the day following the filming of the career-ending and now infamous "Necrophilia Elmo" skit he did for Sesame Street.
Johnny Wright - Ricky Gervais' Tony Clifton.
DSB, props to you for mentioning Tony Clifton... Great reference.
Is Swayze a detective? That was amazing. Reminds me of the kind of deductive reasoning that chimpanzee detective Deuce Dasher uses.
I concur with Leo. A Tony Clifton reference. Atta kid.
Oh, it goes deeper than that.
Much deeper.
If you post a matrix of Wright posts vs. Gervais events, you'll see they never coincide. Ghost Town premieres and promos? No Johnny. Gervais blogs about his cat or "lazing about?" JW posts.
It is either an uncanny coincidence, or the truth. As a skeptic and logician, I'm going to side with the truth.
This is starting to look like A-Rod and steroids. Eventually the truth is going to unravel and blow up in my face.
Strangely, I have a feeling that the snapshot of the event you describe will look eerily similar to the above photo.
What, more A-Rod steroid stories popping up today? I'm loving it. It's like Christmas. Comeuppance!
Bwa ha ha ha ha!!!