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I Wish Zombies Were Real
Tor_Johnson.jpgThe living dead. Limping through the streets of America, searching for brains to dine on. They are like sharks. Completely one-minded. Sharks eat, poop and make baby sharks. That's it. (Well, according to Richard Dreyfuss in Jaws that's what they do.) The zombies just roam around looking to feed. I don't think they know why they're doing it.

I wish zombies were real.

Life would be more exciting, no? What if zombies were real? I think it would be good for society.

The mundane existence we all go through would become much more exhilarating. Danger! Suddenly going to the corner to get a cup of joe could be like your own action movie. You're Bruce Willis every day. "Yeah, I'll take a cup, one cream no sug-- ... hang on. Look over there, outside the Baby Gap. Is that a zombie?" Our hero goes into his briefcase and pulls out a collapsible metal baton. With a deft flick of the wrist, the baton springs into action. Then you invoke your best throaty action hero whisper, "Keep that warm for me Henry, I'll be right back." You run across the street and bash the zombie's head in. The crowd goes wild! And Henry gives you the coffee on the house. That's a great day for everyone.

A_Galvanised_Corpse-1.jpgThere would much less apathy in life. You gotta be on your toes, baby. Can't skate through life anymore, suffering from highway hypnosis. It's Darwinism reborn. Survival of the fittest, fastest and those that carry cricket bats to defend against zombies. The wheat is separated from the chaff one zombie attack victim at a time.

I like the idea of people's personality coming through with the zombie-bashing weapon of choice. A sentimental Louisville Slugger with "Wonder Boy" burned into her side. A machete. Or an antique golf club given to you by your Pappy. A mashie-niblick, if you will. "On his deathbed, Pappy handed me the niblick and said, 'son, go kill you some zombies.'" Tears would flow after those last words.

vampire-slaying-kit.jpgOnce upon a time, shopkeepers sold "anti-vampire kits" to battle evil. Some experts claim the kits were carried by frightened travelers or even kept on hand at local parishes. I imagine a family traveling by horse drawn carriage that stashes the Vampire Slaying Kit under the seat just in case Nosferatu appears out of the darkness to steal the virginal teenager and bring her back to Bran Castle. The kits could include a wooden hammer and a number of crucifix shaped stakes to be driven into the vampires chest. A prayer book, a cross and a dagger. Sometimes a small pistol. Along with bottles with Pamant (holy soil), Agheazma (holy water), Mir (anointing oil), Tamaie (holy incense) and Usturoi (garlic). With zombies running around, specialized anti-zombie weapon kits could be mass produced. That creates jobs. See? Zombies would be good for the economy.

Suddenly local news would become watchable again. What maniacs still watch local news? "An 80-year-old woman beaten by local gangs and a raging inferno takes out the Sizzler, pictures at 11:00." Oh, kill me. They still give traffic reports on the news. Has anyone, ever, changed their route depending on traffic reports? Ever? Of course not. You just curse more and make another call on the cell phone. Local news could capture the drama of zombie sightings. You would know what areas to avoid. Steer clear of 33rd and Elm, you say? Zombies eating the Schwartz's? No problem. I'll go around.

Entrepreneurs could start up Zombie Zoos. And bring back the P.T. Barnum showmanship while they're at it. We can't have freak shows anymore with the barker and the megaphone herding in the kids to see Jo-Jo the Dog-Faced Boy. It's in bad taste for modern society. I accept that. Zombies on the other hand, you could exploit the hell out of them. They're dead anyway, let's have a little fun. "Step right up! See the zombie's try to juggle fruit and knives! See the undead feed on each other! Dare to pet the former accountant!" That's an entertaining day.

The Zombie Zoo could be a clever way to get rid of annoying celebrities. We could set up a zombie hit, taking out people that deserve to be put down like Old Yeller. "No, no Bret Michaels, just go behind that fence and there is some more skanks that want to prove they are 'here for you.' Keep going, they're back there downing apple martinis. Keep going ... almost there ... " Oh boy. The zombies infected Bret Michaels. They ate his bandana and wig and everything. Put him in the zoo. Let him strum "Every Rose Has It's Thorn" in the zoo instead of county fairs. It's no longer sad, it becomes high entertainment.

Most of you are like me, I'd wager, couldn't pick out your neighbors from a police lineup. I don't know my neighbors. Never have. Suddenly there is a zombie army outside your apartment complex. Instant band of brothers. We have to work together to get through this. "Grab the pickaxes and shovels, let's defend our home!" Camaraderie.

Because of zombies.

So, mad scientists and evil genius' that are reading this, see what you can do. And while you're at it, can we have Sasquatches and the Loch Ness Monster too?

That would be a good time.

Day-of-the-dead-Bub-small.jpg



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7 Comments

JW, zombies do exist. Not the violent bloodthirsty ones, but zombies nonetheless--the cure is caffeine.

All you have to do to spot them is sit outside the local coffee shops in a college town. They go in barely able to walk or talk after pulling an all nighter during exams week or nursing a hangover, and come out cured--cured I say!

said sarcastic one on April 13, 2009 7:06 PM.

I'll bring my metal baton and be on the lookout, SO. Thanks.

Oh yeah, 25 points to the first person to identify where the picture at the head of the post comes from.

JW

said Johnny Wright on April 13, 2009 7:11 PM.

plan 9 from outer space

said shadow_74 on April 13, 2009 7:33 PM.

25 points, Shadow. Save enough points and you can get a fishing pole and some Laffy Taffy's at the YBNBY Gift Shop.

said Johnny Wright on April 13, 2009 7:37 PM.

What would happen to those who would become victim to zombies? Would they become Zombies themselves.
This could prove some difficult choices. Why if Angelina Jolie or Gwen Stafani were to become zombies, I believe I would have to become one too.
JW, would you then blow my brains out with your rifle?
I guess you would since I would kill you anyway, being a zombie. But I would hope you would pause and apologize for killing me - twice.
What if you could capture me and chain me to a wall, feed me scraps of rat and pigeon in your basement? Like 28 days later.
If I had a laptop too, I could write a zombie diary which would replace homeless Frank no doubt.
I bet he'd taste good....

said Baierman on April 13, 2009 9:33 PM.

Yes, a victim of a zombie attack then becomes the living dead. It's tough, but it's fair.

So, yes Baierman, I would have to kill you. Bashed in the head with my cricket bat. However, I promise to keep you in the shed behind my apartment building like in Shaun of the Dead. I would bring you remnants of homeless people to snack on. Like Frank. I'm sure with a little Tony Chachere's seasoning he'd be pretty tasty.

said Johnny Wright on April 13, 2009 10:25 PM.

The only problem I foresee would be special interest groups and political correctness spoiling all of the fun. Sooner or later you would have some douchebag congressperson trying to streamline their career by touting zombie rights.
The word "zombie" would share the same fate as "cripple" and almost overnight they would be referred to as "post necrotic citizens"and being bitten by one would be described as "involuntary recruitment".

Joe Lieberman or Tipper Gore would jump on this one.

said Chad on April 14, 2009 4:41 AM.
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