(I couldn't find any visual representations of the number "trillion" that weren't totally nerdy, so I used this kickass album cover from a 1970s Canadian band of the same name. Economics rawks!)
It was officially announced yesterday that,
In that strange intersection of economics and politics, there is a new fashion: Trillion is the new billion.
You see, our current economic shitstorm has spiraled so rapidly that the lexicon for describing it has moved beyond our comprehension, to the point that we have become desensitized to these grim numbers -- except economists, who apparently are so nerved out about those three extra zeros that they need to do a monster bong hit before they can talk to CNN:
'Number' itself can be parsed 'number' or 'numb-er.' And maybe in this case, the latter is a better pronunciation.
To which CNN replied, "Shhh! I think I can hear my own ears! Duuuude, we should totally listen to Comfortably NUMB right fucking now, hahaha! Hey, you got any Fritos?"
But seriously, though, it's true -- ordinary words DO sound totally weird when you're baked, and a trillion IS a big number. To give you some perspective on just HOW big a trillion really is, here are some facts.
Fax.
Faccccctsss.
According to Senate Republican leader Mitch McConnell, "If you spend a million dollars every day since Jesus was born, you still wouldn't have spent a trillion." (Unless any of those dollars were spent on gay stuff or abortions, in which case, all bets are off.)
Hey, did they even have dollars when Jesus was born? Didn't they use, like, shekels or something? I bet a trillion shekels was a lot back then, though, too. Shekels. Shhhhhekelllllls.
If you stacked a trillion $1 bills on top of each other, you can be damn sure some asshole would just knock them over.
A trillion has so many zeros, you can't even type it into your calculator without it turning into all those annoying teeny-tiny numbers up here like this. And you definitely can't turn the calculator upside-down to spell out "BOOBS" either.
If you were to write out a check for one trillion dollars, sure, the written part would be a snap, but to fit all the digits in the "$" box, you would have to make the zeros so skinny and odd-looking that the cute bank teller would probably think you were a serial killer or something. In fact, I think she's groping around under the counter for the silent alarm right now....
Yes, I realize that technically Charles Manson is a mass murderer, not a serial killer, but c'mon -- what a great picture!
If a trillion really is the new billion, and sixty was already the new forty, then is Mick Jagger really still old? (Show your work on a separate piece of paper.)
If you were to pay someone a trillion dollars in billion-dollar bills, it would take almost a thousand of them. And it would probably be really boring to watch, too, even if the person was counting the bills out loud in front of a studio audience, like on "The Price is Right." (Or maybe it was "Wheel of Fortune.")
Speaking of billion-dollar bills, did you know that's the only denomination besides the $100 bill, or "Benjamin," to feature a non-president on the front? Take a look for yourself -- yep, it's Billy Mays, of OxiClean, Orange Glo and Kaboom fame.
And speaking of game shows, if they were to give away a trillion dollars on "Deal or No Deal," there would not be enough hot chicks in the world to hold all the briefcases...even if they hired a million briefcase-holding hot chicks every day until Jesus came back!
A trillion is roughly equivalent to 300 to 400 shitloads, or 500 to 600 assloads (depending on geographic location and weather conditions.)
If you were playing hide-and-seek and decided to count to a trillion, you would open your eyes to find that your playmates have been dead for thousands of years, and people are wearing these crazy-ass silver jumpsuits and big, puffy boots with like, rockets on the sides. (Assuming you counted using the "One Mississippi, Two Mississippi" method.)
A trillion is such a gigantic number that if a bunch of huge corporations were to give their executives a few billion taxpayer-supplied dollars in bonuses for running their companies into the ground, I bet nobody would even notice.
So, care to blow our minds with some other perspectives on how big a number a trillion is? Or perhaps an even bigger number, if one exists? Leave a trillion comments below!
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If Burt Reynolds could relive the 70's 100 more times he still wouldn't have shagged a trillion chicks.
Close but not quite.
Ok, I'll start ...
Ahem.
ONE.
Also, I'd like to say that I actually have that album. It is an awesome album.
I must have listened to it, like, a trillion times in high school and college.
If Trillion is the new Billion, someone on the Forbes list has decided that they're totally inadequate and have to buy out a country somewhere to move on up.
If Chad relived last year 100 more times he still wouldn't have been shagged by a Trillion truck drivers.
Close but not quite.
Damn, Dave's being a jerk to the unregistered guy.....
must be thursday.
Love ya man!
and as inane as always.
Dave you could bore the brown off a turd.
Stick to things you understand like pro wrestling and molesting your little brother frat boy.
It's Chad, he's been around for a long time. Throwing out Douche bag comments. I think I dubbed him a douche bag after Johnny's 911 conspiracy post. He's always crossing the line.
Today he just happened to hit a sore spot by disrespecting Burt Reynolds.
Sure he shagged a lot a chicks in the 70's, but he loved every one of them.
Chad just made it sound cheap.
If Dave continues to use YBNBY to share his wisdom, we will reach 1 trillion souls saved sometime late next week.
Coincidentally, that is about the same time that McDonald's will pass the '1 trillion hamburgers sold' threshold. The massive undertaking of changing the signage across the world will employ so many that it will single-handedly save the economic crisis.
That IS impressive. Co-incedentally, McDonalds passed the one trillion points added to it's clientele's collective cholesterol count back in 1972.
And yeah, i remember him now Dave.
Fire at will! Man The Douchebag Harpoons!
If trillion is the new billion, can I have a million?