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Thoughts During a Massage
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As a Valentine's Day treat, my girlfriend and I decided to get a couples massage, which is essentially an excuse for spas to increase prices around holidays like Valentine's Day or Mother's Day. She was very adamant that we go, and I was radically hesitant.

Previously, I've had two "official" massages. Meaning, it was not given by a significant other after hours and hours of me whining about a sore back. These two "official" massages left a lot to be desired.
  1. Massage #1: When we pulled up to the "day-spa" in a strip mall in Vegas, I knew it was trouble. This was for a bachelor party and was pre-planned. The staff was of the Asian variety and I instantly began forming excuses as to why I wouldn't want a "happy ending". Insisting to my masseuse that I really only wanted my back done. Hoping she'd get the hint and not ask me to flip over. She didn't, and within five minutes she was rubbing my inner thigh and asking, in incredibly broken English, if she could "take care of me." This phrase was met with a subtle, yet altogether horrifying flick of her fingers on my genitalia. I declined, and realizing she wasn't getting a hefty tip, asked to leave.
  2. Massage #2: My ex-girlfriend had manicures and pedicures done almost every other day. She spent so much time at nail salons, that she picked up the Korean language. On one of the many times that she visited the nail salon down the street from our apartment, I sat in a chair, waiting for her nails to dry. She asked one of the women - a particularly large woman - to give me a back massage. If someone had filled a sack with bricks and hit me repeatedly on the back with it, I would have been in less pain. I couldn't wipe the pain tears away quick enough from my eyes.
So to say I was reluctant to hop back on the massage table again would be an understatement. And yet, on Saturday afternoon I was face down on a table with a towel covering my ass and with my girlfriend three feet away from me getting a rub down for a woman. And these are the things that went through me head.

  • I tend to fart. A lot. And each time I do, I laugh because farting is incredibly funny. I'm not sure I've gone more than a few hours without expelling flatus in the past 10 years. And when I try to hold it in, I just have to fart more. And with only a sheet of cotton between me and my masseuse, I was afraid I'd rip one straight into her face and knock her on her ass.
  • The boner issue. It's one thing to pop a chubby when you're with your woman. It's something else entirely when you're getting a rub down from another woman and your girl is right next to you. So, as I do when I'm trying to outlast my partner during sex, I began listing all the baseball teams, their cities, the names of their stadiums, and their mascots in my head.
  • What made this harder (sorry for the pun) was that I'd occasionally touch boob. When a guy touches boob, it's like touching a hot surface. You know you've touched it. Even if it's covered by one of those water-filled bras and tucked behind several layers of wool sweater ... we know. We always know. And Mr. Winky knows too. Which is why each time my masseuse grazed a part of my body with her breasts, I began listing the nicknames of states in my head.
  • Talking. We were in a very nice spa, and they took great pains to make sure we were relaxed and comfortable. They spoke in whispers and created a feeling of calm. But I'd paid good money to get a rubdown in the same room as my girlfriend. Shouldn't I be able to talk to her? And yet, neither of us said a word. What was the point of getting a couples massage if we weren't even talking? We would have had the same exact experience had there been four feet of concrete between us.
  • I rarely snore. Instead, I do this odd mouth breathing thing which is nothing more than large exhales of wind. And I may or may not have taken a Xanax before the massage, which only made me more relaxed. But would the masseuse be angry if I fell asleep? Conversely, would she feel satisfied if she relaxed me to the point of actually falling asleep? According to my girlfriend, I did fall asleep, did the mouth breathing thing, and she was embarrassed that she'd brought a human oscillating fan into the room.
  • That whole happy ending thing. I knew I wouldn't be offered it. This place was too nice. And it would be a bit forward to go down the rub and tug route with my girlfriend next to me. But what if they did? What if they offered it? How should I respond? Shit, these places claim to be "full-service" maybe that's what they mean. It was dark in the room, she could "have a staff meeting" with me and Lindsey would never even know. Though, ultimately I wasn't offered one and was sort of insulted that I wasn't.
Looking back, it was a good experience. I left without bruises and with all of the sperm I walked into the spa with still safely entombed in my love cherries.
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5 Comments

Well, as a male and a massage therapist of 9 years, I have seen it all. The thing that would help you the most is to realize that:
A) no one but your wife (or a whore) WANTS you to get a hard-on. Ever. We avoid that shit like the plague. Male and Female.
B) Everyone sleeps, when you fall asleep on the table, GOOD. now I don't have to talk to you.
C) you can say anything at anytime. you are not going to break the mood. talk about the amount of pressure you want. make jokes. It's your hour, we don't care, entertain us.
D) please don't fart. or do and get a free aromatherapy addition to your treatment. (sage oil).

said LMT09 on February 18, 2009 9:55 PM.

I've been a massage therapist as well for nine years. And I totally agree with the comments above. But one more thing. Three words that don't belong together: Strip. Mall. Spa. Strip malls are for cashing checks, and getting lunch. Not relaxing spa time. Next time, spend some cash go to a nicer spa in a hotel. You will be amazed of how different you're experience is and, no one will ask you about "happy endings".

said bunder on February 19, 2009 7:00 AM.

I did massage for a few years..people do fart. What can you do? Definitely hard not to chuckle a little if one slips out.. I can't remember anyone getting an erection and I'm sure I would have remembered that, but I know it does happen.

I don't really understand the concept of couples massage if they are charging you more than just 2 standard massages.

Echo, it was probably the weird breathing thing that kept you from being offered the happy ending..

said CindylovesScara on February 19, 2009 7:44 AM.

GOOD FOR YOU for even having a system in place to outlast your partner during sex. Most men don't care enough to try. And doubly good for you for not doing for the "happy ending" on your bachelor party. A lot of guys figure "I'm not married yet, what's the big deal." Your girl is VERY lucky to have you.

said Heather Dawn on February 19, 2009 9:21 AM.

Heather, is it really that big of a deal? I do both of those things from purely selfish reasons... I try to outlast my partner* so that I get more later, and I'm just not comfortable with handjobs from strangers I have to pay. (Strangers I don't have to pay are a completely different matter.)

Echo, you would have thought they could put on some Jimmy Buffett or Dave Matthews to get you in the mood for love at least... Not fair.

*My system: Start naming Vice Presidents as far back as I can. If that fails, I move on to treasury secretaries.

said LostInDaJungle on February 19, 2009 12:05 PM.
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